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Being Her

Summary:
A series of one-shots in Claire's perspective throughout the series For Her.


Notes:
Um, will not go in any order. they come as i get bored enough to write them. PSSSTTT if you want a new story, go review with her!


61. Bella ii

Rating 5/5   Word Count 519   Review this Chapter

“Claire, just so you know… I can hear what you’re thinking. All right? Just to warn you.”

Then stop stalling, Isabella Cullen. I appreciate that she told me, since I like to keep my thoughts private. I’ll try to stop them from getting off-topic, now.

My name is Bella. Her voice echoes strangely in my mind, before she sighs and continues.

“In that case, I guess… look, I don’t know how to say this. And it hurts to even think about. I’ve never talked about it before.”

Spit it out. I’m getting very impatient here. I have to know this. I need my answer. I need to understand how he could possibly… Bella starts to talk again, and I listen closely.

.“I never chose to forgive Edward. Honestly, if I’d sat down and made a logical decision that first time, I might never have spoken to him again. He broke my heart into a thousand pieces because he was stubborn and selfless and stupid. But I didn’t have any choice.”

I want him to have a choice… I know what it’s like not to. Not that it’s the same thing at all…

“I loved him so much. Too much, maybe. And if my choices were living with him, for a while, not sure when he’d leave me again, and then being alone, or just plain being alone… Isn’t it obvious?”

I consider that for a moment, biting my lip. “Yeah.”

“I forgave him. I had to.” That’s not very satisfying. Not what I want to hear. More force. More coercion. More having to.

“But… Bella, Quil doesn’t blame me. He’s never angry, or even sad! He won’t let me apologize. He won’t let me tell him that it was a mistake. He won’t let me swear I’ll stay with him forever and I could never love anyone else. He won’t--” Bella cuts me off, grabbing one of my hands to stop the rant I didn’t even realize was sort of pouring out.

“I don’t let Edward feel guilty. He’d jump of a cliff if I’d let him and I can’t live without him. Pretend the cases were reversed, for a minute. Would you forgive Quil, if he left you? For your own good.”

“But that’s not why I left him! I left him for my own good. It was selfish. And heartless. And cruel. And thoughtless!” Okay, not strictly true. Except the last part. It was really stupid. I didn’t think it through.

I’m not talking about you, Claire. “I’m talking about Edward and myself. But even if his motivation wasn’t totally pure, even if he left me…” For another woman. Or because he got bored. Anything. “I would forgive him. Because I have no choice. Do you understand?”

“Yeah. But I don’t understand… this probably makes no sense at all to you. But I can’t understand why he loves me. I know, the imprinting, but how am I supposed to deserve it?” I freeze, waiting for an answer to the hardest question of all.