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The Lonely Wolf

To phase the first time: disorienting. Horrible. Terrifying. Painful. To become a monster: sickening. Strange. Agonizing. Estranging. This we know from Jacob. Must it not have been so much worse to be Sam? He did it all... and he did it all alone. A story in the perspective of the first of our beloved werewolves, Sam Uley. From shortly before the time of his first phase to his marriage to Emily Young.

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10. Chapter 10

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I creep in the door at six in the morning, trying not to disturb Leah. Part of our new agreement is that she doesn’t ask where I’ve been when I sneak in at these improbable moments. Conversely, I try to make what I have to do as little pain to her as possible.

What I have to do is hunt vampires. I watch over our land, running all night and walking all day, shifting back and forth in shape. It isn’t easy, but it’s better, I must say, than before Quil confronted me. At least I know I’m not all alone in this. That by itself is something of a relief.

Well, I am the only one who suffers this, true, but I’m not the only one who knows. I feel much, much less insane now. After all, other people know. I’m not crazy.

It makes me feel so much better, even if the one person I want to tell more than any other, I am forbidden, more than any other… Leah…

I will never tell her. But I will never leave her. I’m sure someday she’ll get sick of having to live like this, on the fringe of my sad and lonely life, without being privy to my secrets, always shunted reluctantly to one side- I know someday I won’t be worth it, and she’ll give up, leave, find someone better… and as much as I know that would be the smart thing to do, I don’t give up.

Because I know Leah loves me, and she’s said she’ll stay. And once Leah says something, all the powers on Earth cannot move her. She is truly a force to be reckoned with, my Leah, and I am certain she is not movable. If she gives up on me, it will be her own choice. She won’t allow anything else to shunt her aside.

I rush, quietly, up to our bedroom, trying to move near-silently and also speedily, so I can be there when she wakes. I’m not attempting to conceal my absence. I just don’t want her to wake up alone. I’d like to be there to hold her, kiss her in the morning, help her as she growls at the alarm, laugh with her when she beats the thing into submission… I just want it to be like it used to. I want to go back to my old life as much as possible.

But it isn’t possible.

I have gone through a permanent transformation. I will never be a simple person again. I will never again know peace. Instead, I must always strive, always try, just to maintain a façade of normalcy, to put on a face that smiles to keep Leah happy and safe.

I’m so sorry…

I walk past our bathroom and saw something horrifying. Leah kneels on the floor, her legs sprawled out behind her. Her arms are around the toilet, and I can smell, with my new sensitive wolf nose, the too-sweet reek of vomit. It’s actually similar to the stench of a vampire.

“Leah?” I whisper. She lifts herself from the floor and stares at me with empty, tormented eyes.