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The Lonely Wolf

To phase the first time: disorienting. Horrible. Terrifying. Painful. To become a monster: sickening. Strange. Agonizing. Estranging. This we know from Jacob. Must it not have been so much worse to be Sam? He did it all... and he did it all alone. A story in the perspective of the first of our beloved werewolves, Sam Uley. From shortly before the time of his first phase to his marriage to Emily Young.

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15. Chapter 15

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It’s not exactly convenient. I never would have chosen it. I know that. I should regret it, hate it.

I should probably stay with Leah, too. That might even be what Emily would choose. Doesn’t it predispose a certain amount of vanity to assume the most perfect creature on earth can’t be happy without me?

And yet…

I can’t stomach the thought that I’ll ever be anything but hers.

This is deeply inconvenient. I mean, it had to happen now. She couldn’t have come for dinner the same night Leah introduced me to her family the first time, could she? That would have been so much easier.

Then again, I wasn’t a werewolf then. I might not have been able to do this… imprinting, I think it’s called. Imprinting.

Like stamping. Pressed forever into me. It’s a good word for it. She’s deeply a part of me, the image of her forever behind my eyes.

Leah is not the woman I’m meant to be with. I thought she was but… Emily has proved me wrong.

What do I do now?

I want, more than anything, to be with Emily, for the simple reason that I adore her, almost as man worships a goddess. She is perfection embodied. She is everything anyone could ever want.

That is obvious, almost a prerequisite to this entire process. I know that. But what do I do to make her happy?

That’s more important than my fleeting and inconsequential desires. The greater good is whatever she’d like most.

She might want Leah to be happy. But I have to offer her the choice, offer her myself. She needs to know her options. I don’t know her well enough to choose for her, though if I am very, very blessed, one day I may.

I have to tell her the truth. And in order to do that… either way, whether or not Emily accepts me, I need to leave Leah.

It is so desperately awful. I feel terrible at the deep and pervading sense of relief that accompanies the mere thought.

Strangely, the love for Leah is not gone. I still feel the same as I once did. But I am not one man. I am two beings- man and beast. That is very, distinctly, true.

The man loves Leah, just as he always did.

But the monster so barely hidden beneath my skin feels things, does not possess reason to counterbalance emotion, and thus renders the latter so much stronger. And it feels, it knows with a deep and inherent instinct, that Emily, not Leah, belongs to it.

Right now, the wolf is in control. Not just because I wear that shape.

Because I do as it wishes.

I could, maybe, maybe, stay with Leah. If Emily wanted it. Yet I would be miserable every moment. I need her. I love her.

And then another thought besides the noble self-sacrifice, staying with Leah despite my desires, supersedes everything.

If I do not make Emily my own, someone else will come along and break her heart, just as I am breaking Leah’s.

So I have no choice. I have to do as I want, selfish as it is, because I can never let Emily be hurt.