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The Lonely Wolf

To phase the first time: disorienting. Horrible. Terrifying. Painful. To become a monster: sickening. Strange. Agonizing. Estranging. This we know from Jacob. Must it not have been so much worse to be Sam? He did it all... and he did it all alone. A story in the perspective of the first of our beloved werewolves, Sam Uley. From shortly before the time of his first phase to his marriage to Emily Young.

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18. Chapter 18

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It’s been a week. The beat of the forest is the only sound I hear, the music of the world chiming around me, the nature all I know.

I drink from the burbling and vast streams I encounter, varying from brooks to full rivers rushing along the wood. It is different, drinking with this mouth, using my tongue to lap up the moisture like a dog.

I am a dog. I currently resemble one more than a human, that’s for certain, despite my huge size and terrible teeth.

A big, scary, mean dog. I am an animal, no more and no less, without senses or emotions or thoughts recognizable as human. I do not feel as I once did. I don’t even live, by some definitions. Oh, there is breath and a beating heart, all the trappings of existence, but I note the ringing emptiness where once I had a soul. Now I am just legs and fur and outsized paws and vicious teeth and thirst and hunger and fury and exhaustion and running and pain.

So much pain.

Great. Now I have thought of it. That means it’ll be hours until I can think of anything else.

She doesn’t want me.

I love her… I shouldn’t, but I do, and I can’t help it, and I love her, and she doesn’t want me.

She doesn’t want me near her. She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t even want my friendship, let alone my adoration, my very soul which I’m offering up.

She wants me to go back to Leah.

I should. But I can’t. I can’t do anything but love her.

I should do what she wants. But I don’t have the strength.

Forgive me.

Leah, forgive me.

Emily, forgive me.

My child, forgive me.


I beg you.

Forgive me.

Maybe I’ll never go back. Maybe I’ll stay like this forever, chasing my tail like a damn puppy for the rest of my life. Hiding out in the forest, watching the world spin by from a distance.

No. That’s not an option. I can’t do that. I have to try to make Emily my own.

While I’m out hear in the forest, I can’t protect her. I can’t protect anyone, and there are vampires near. The tribe needs me. My imprint, my soulmate, my one love, my Emily needs me. My child needs me.

Leah, who was mine, needs me. I can’t be hers. I can’t give her what she needs.

I can do all the rest.

I have no choice. Again. I have to go back. I have to continue chasing Emily like a lovesick idiot, and I have to support Leah, and kill any vampires who threaten us, and figure out how I’m going to eat and where I’m going to sleep, because I don’t have a job and I just broke up with the woman who has the keys to my house.

Quietly, my emotions sorrowful and not angry, I find the stillness that allows humanity to overtake me and walk naked through the woods to try and find home.

Wherever it may be.