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The Lonely Wolf

To phase the first time: disorienting. Horrible. Terrifying. Painful. To become a monster: sickening. Strange. Agonizing. Estranging. This we know from Jacob. Must it not have been so much worse to be Sam? He did it all... and he did it all alone. A story in the perspective of the first of our beloved werewolves, Sam Uley. From shortly before the time of his first phase to his marriage to Emily Young.

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28. Chapter 28

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I walk through the open doorway.

The wounds on her face have barely started to scab over. They are an even angrier color, having darkened a little, becoming an ugly dark red.

“Oh, Emily.” My voice is soft, hushed with tragedy. She is no longer bleeding, true, but these marks will never fade, not completely.

“Sam.” She smiles a little, and it’s lopsided- half of her mouth is permanently twisted down, lined forever with the gash that runs down it, scraping her jawline and turning her grin into a permanent frown.

“Have you… decided? What can I give you? What would make this better… I just want to help. I’m not going to ask you for forgiveness. I’ll never deserve that. But if there’s anything I can do to make this less painful for you, let me know.”

“Anything?” she asks.

“Anything up to and including my life. I’d have to be pretty creative to commit suicide, Emily, but I’m sure I can manage. Throw myself under a bus or something. Listen, I just want you to not look so totally miserable. And I don’t care about anything but that, anything except making you happy.”

“Sam…” she sighs, gently. I ache to reach out to her.

“What is it?”

“You get one chance. Do you understand me? One.”

“What do you mean?” She can’t. She can’t truly intend to be with me. To make herself mine? To choose my company, my presence, and my love after I’ve hurt her, ripped her open and actually, literally, physically harmed her. It’s worse than what I did to Leah, what I did to Emily through that. No, this is my most grievous sin yet.

And because of it I’m going to get a chance with her?

“I want you. I didn’t… I didn’t mean what I said. I’m-“

I grit my teeth. “Don’t you dare apologize. Not to me. I deserve every word you said to me, every word you could say. I deserve your hatred, Emily. I’ve earned it, haven’t I?” For once, I’m not struggling to restrain fury, though I can feel the rage rush through my veins, red as blood, beating futile wings inside me. No, there is another reaction.

There are tears in my eyes, and I blink back the humiliating moisture.

I am miserable. I despise myself, absolutely and completely. I used to be a good person. What the hell happened?

“No.” She is quiet, but her tone brooks no argument. “You have tried your best to earn my love, and you can’t be blamed for this. You’re all alone, struggling with this huge burden. It’s not fair to you. And you have genuinely been wonderful to me, except for…” she trails off. “What I’m trying to say is that I think… I’m not going to go ahead and say it now, because it isn’t time. But there’s a very good chance I may be falling for you. I want you to be with me, at least temporarily, experimentally. Try it out, with me.”