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The Lonely Wolf

To phase the first time: disorienting. Horrible. Terrifying. Painful. To become a monster: sickening. Strange. Agonizing. Estranging. This we know from Jacob. Must it not have been so much worse to be Sam? He did it all... and he did it all alone. A story in the perspective of the first of our beloved werewolves, Sam Uley. From shortly before the time of his first phase to his marriage to Emily Young.

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38. Chapter 38

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I can’t go after her any more. I just watch as she turns away. I’ve done enough damage, after all. And what can I do to patch that up?

I turn away also, walking back towards the house and back to Emily.

Emily! I grin at that mere thought.

My beautiful Emily. I need to reassure her again. She doesn’t get it yet, not fully, how completely and eternally I am hers, how utterly I belong to her, and how truly I never wish to be otherwise.

It takes me just a few steps to get back to the stairs. The little yellow house I’d once planned to buy shakes as I trample up the steps. Maybe I’ll live here one day after all.

I feel a blush stain my cheeks at the thought. Embarrassing, a little, to consider it this soon. We’ve only been dating for… a few days? I’ve lost track of time, I am so very happy. It seems like I’ve been Emily’s forever. The time before her is shockingly dark. Like night before the break of day, before she became my sun, drawing me in with this inexorable force of gravity, the sunshine lighting my life up in an irreversible way.

I knock on the door and she smiles when she sees it’s me. Her smile only has one side.

I wince.

“Sorry. It’s kind of grotesque, I know.” She gestures at her face. “It’s not pretty.”

“No, Emily. Not that, darling. It’s not that I don’t think you’re beautiful. You are, in my eyes, the most perfect person on earth. That aside… It’s the guilt, that’s hurting me right now. What I did to you, I just feel so positively awful. I destroyed you, darling. I hurt you, and it’s the one thing I want least in the world, to see you hurt. Let alone to hurt you myself. I feel guilty. I don’t hate seeing you. I hate seeing what I’ve done to you. You’re in pain, and it’s my fault, and it kills me that you can’t really smile anymore, Emily. Because I’d kill or die to make you smile and I’ve ruined that forever… I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”

“Sam,” she whispers, putting both hands on my shoulders. She has to stand directly on her tiptoes to do it, but she looks right into my eyes, licks her lips, and then speaks. “I love you. I forgive you.”

She doesn’t say it lightly. I hear the weight behind the words. But it’s definitely honest. She means it, for whatever reason. She truly doesn’t hold it against me… not that she never blamed me, but that she’s honestly chosen to get over that, to think of something else now, to move on. She wants me to move on.

I smile and brush my lips against hers, once, softly. “Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome.” She takes my hand. “Hey, when do I meet Jared?”

“Whenever you want. I can bring him over this afternoon, if you’d like. He and I are going to a party on the beach tonight, some kids from Forks coming up. You can come…”

“No thanks. I gotta unpack my stuff. But Jared can come on over before?”


I nod and she smiles at me.