Text Size Large SizeMedium SizeSmall Size    Color Scheme Black SchemeWhite SchemeGrey SchemePaper Scheme        

Cold Memory

Summary:
I can’t help but think back to that time, all those years ago, when Edward left me standing in the woods by myself to deal with heartbreak that he caused. Here I was, heaped on the floor in our bedroom because again he left. I can’t keep doing this to myself, letting him cause me so much pain and I still stupidly love him and now as I watch the rain fall outside, I can’t help but realize that maybe it really is over. Maybe…


Notes:


1. Cold

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2319   Review this Chapter

You have a way of coming easily to me

And when you take, you take the very best of me

So I start a fight cause I need to feel something

And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

I felt his arms wrap themselves silently around my waist as I stared out the window at one of the only sunny days we had had in months in Forks. I couldn’t help but sigh and move out of his reach, not wanting to feel his touch lingering on my skin any longer. Mistakes had been made, on my part and his and when the truth finally came out, it hurt too much to admit.

“Come on Bella, it was a long time ago, before I even met you.” He said calmly a pleading in his voice that I had never heard before.

“You lied and not only that but I can see the way you look at one another. I’m not stupid Edward and I’m not just some dumb eighteen year old anymore…” I felt the bitterness of my words snake their way up my throat and out of my mouth like bile.

It had been over ten years since Edward had changed me on our wedding night, ten wonderful years. Until she showed up that is. Tanya, one of the females of the Denali clan from Alaska. Yeah, the one Edward went to visit within his first week of knowing me. Now she was back, showing up in our home because she missed Edward and wanted to see him. Well that turned out to be brilliant plan.

“I know you aren’t! Why can’t you just understand that she and I have a past and that’s where it stays, in the past?!” He yelled at me before stomping out of the room, leaving me to crumble in on myself once again.

I can’t help but think back to that time, all those years ago, when Edward left me standing in the woods by myself to deal with heartbreak that he caused. Here I was, heaped on the floor in our bedroom because again he left. I can’t keep doing this to myself, letting him cause me so much pain and I still stupidly love him and now as I watch the rain fall outside, I can’t help but realize that maybe it really is over. Maybe…

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day

Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through

I've never been anywhere cold as you

I couldn’t cry, but if I could there would be some major water-damage to our bedroom floor where I was still currently sitting, my back up against the wall. I guess that’s how I had always felt with Edward, like my back was up against the wall and standing in front of me with a gun was fate, telling me that I was meant to be with Edward. But, maybe I wasn’t and that scared me…it scared me to death. Edward had been so cold to me over the past few days, ever since his little secret had been exposed.

My mind drifted back to the day and I remember that day perfectly, the day Edward left me…

He took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder—like the liquid golf had frozen solid.

“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.” He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.

There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.

“You…don’t…want me?” I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

“No.”


I tightly shut my eyes to the rest of that memory and every memory of what had happened afterward. It was the worst time in my life and now I was having to relive it because some tramp decided she wanted to come visit and stir up some trouble with her ex-lover. Only now it was ten times worse because I was no longer human and I didn’t know where the rest of the Cullen’s were at right now because Edward and I wanted to live on our own for a bit.

I still couldn’t process the cold look that had gleamed in Edward’s eyes as he pretty much told me to get over the whole thing because it was in the past. Yeah, his past, something I thought I knew everything about. We had always been honest with one another; never keep anything secret because we wanted to prevent this kind of thing from happening. Well, at least I wanted to keep it from happening.

“I think we need some time apart.” I jumped at the suddenness of his voice and the fact that I didn’t even hear him enter the room.

“Where am I supposed to go?” I asked coldly as I stood from my spot on the floor and faced him; his eyes showed no emotion and they looked glassed over.

“I don’t care, but we need some time apart.” And that was all he said as he walked from the room without a parting glance.

I collapsed on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands as the memories haunted me once again. Memories of that day and how much I couldn’t stand to be away from Edward; my Edward.

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray

And I stood there loving you and wished them all away

And you come away with a great little story

Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

“Well that changes things.” I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb. I couldn’t realize what he was telling me. It still didn’t make any sense.

He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. “Of course, I’ll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it’s time for a change. Because I’m…tired of pretending to be something I’m not, Bella. I am not human.” He looked back and the icy planes of his perfect face were not human.

“I’ve let this go on much too long, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t.” My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins.

“Don’t do this.”

He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.

“You’re not good for me, Bella.” He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument.

How well I knew that I wasn’t good enough for him.


I’ll probably never been good enough for Edward Cullen, but I sure as hell am better than him. I pick myself up from the floor and go to the closet, pulling out the largest suitcase I could find. If he wanted me gone, then fine, I’m gone and I’m not coming back. I had given up so much for him, everything was for him and yet still he keeps things from me. Quickly I throw things into the suitcase, not even noticing what it is that I’m throwing in there and honestly I could care less.

I can’t do this anymore, I can’t be isolated like him, building up walls and burning bridges as if nothing else mattered. I may be immortal, but I’m not above keeping human contacts and even though I couldn’t change what I was, I sure as hell could change my scenery, even if only for a little while. I’m sure Edward thinks I’ll be back in a few weeks, unable to live without him and he’s right, I can’t live without him. So, I’m just not going to live at all.

I guess I had made up my mind, that was easy. I stopped packing, seeing no sense in it anymore since I wouldn’t need clothes where I was going. The Volturi would be shocked to see me, of course, they’re also going to be shocked by my request. Let’s see how well Edward can cope without me once I’m gone for good. Yeah, a suicidal vampire, like that hasn’t happened before.

I rush down the stairs and almost come crashing in to the small figure that’s standing at the bottom. Alice, damn. I immediately turn back around and head back up the stairs to the bedroom, Alice hot on my tail. Silently I sit down on the bed, my eyes adverted to staring at the floor, too ashamed to even try to look up at Alice.

“I don’t know why you two are fighting and I don’t care. There is no reason for you to even think about going to Italy. He loves you Bella, he always has and he always will, what more do you want?” I still didn’t look at her, but I knew what Alice was saying.

“He lied to me Alice, he kept something from me and even if it is in the past it still hurts.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice, even if I tried.

“So what? He loves you, not her.” She said simply and yet still she didn’t understand.

“I want to leave him, even if it’s only for a week. I want to leave him and break his heart like he broke mine.” I sounded childish and even though I know that, I can’t seem to let the past go.

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day

Just walk away, ain't no use defending words that you will never say

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through

I've never been anywhere cold as you

He smiled gently. “Don’t worry. You’re human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.”

“And your memories?” I asked. It sounded like there was something stuck in my throat, like I was choking.

“Well…” he hesitated for a short second, “…I won’t forget. But my kind…we’re very easily distracted.” He smiled; the smile was tranquil and it did not touch his eyes.

He took a step away from me.

“That’s everything, I suppose. We won’t bother you again.”

The plural caught my attention. That surprised me; I would have thought I was beyond noticing anything.

“Alice isn’t coming back,” I realized. I don’t know how he heard me—the words made no sound—but he seemed to understand.

He shook his head slowly, always watching my face.

“No. They’re all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye.”

“Alice is gone?” My voice was blank with disbelief.

“She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you.”


“I’ll stay, I just can’t push this to the back of my head Alice. It hurts too much.” I sobbed, but no tears came.

“I know, he shouldn’t have kept that from you, but just let it live in the past. She’s gone, Edward told her to leave and never contact him again.” Alice said matter-of-factly.

“He did?” I finally looked up at her, amazement clearly showing in my eyes as she smiled.

“He loves you Bella, now quit being so absurd and come downstairs and make up with him.” She laughed her musical laugh and tugged on my arm, leading me towards the open door.

I couldn’t believe that Edward was just going to forget all the things that he had done and said to me or the things that I had said to him. I guess it is a good thing he can’t read my mind still to this day, because if he did he would clearly hear the doubt and fear that still sat in the far corners of my mind. But no, I smile instead as I see him, standing at the bottom of the stairs, that same crooked smile spread wide on his face as he gazed up at me.

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you

And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

“Goodbye Bella,” he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.

“Wait!” I choked out the word, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs to carry me forward.

I thought he was reaching for me, too. But his cold hands locked around my wrists and pinned them to my sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. My eyes closed.

“Take care of yourself,” he breathed, cool against my skin.

There was a light, unnatural breeze. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with the gentle wind of his passage.

He was gone.


Weeks passed, everything seemingly back to normal, at least to the outside observer. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t shake the past that was haunting me, nor could I feel like Edward was truly sorry. He kept looking over at me, constantly with a smile on his face, one which dripped with a fake happiness. I didn’t know what to do or think anymore, I was just so tired of the whole thing.

“I love you…” He spoke softly to me, his lips gently kissing their way down my neck and back up again.

“I love you too…” I shivered, not from the kisses, but from the mere coldness that permeated from his voice every time he spoke to me.

Everything about him was cold and I couldn’t help but to love him still.

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day

Every smile you fake is so condescending

Counting all the scars you made

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through

I've never been anywhere cold as you