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What Reason Is There

Summary:
A look into one day of Bella's empty life while she was alone and not aware.


Notes:
This is a little sad. All people in here are property of Stephenie Meyers.


1. What Reason Is There

Rating 5/5   Word Count 697   Review this Chapter

I sat up, gasping from the terror of my most recent nightmare. It had particularly vicious last night. I shook my head, banishing it to the volt of nightmares in the back of my mind.

As I became more awake, I looked around. I was still expecting the awareness that wakefulness was supposed to give you. It didn’t come though. It hadn’t come for months now, since I became numb. All I felt was nothing.

Nothing. It was the only word I could use to describe myself, my life. I had no reason for anything anymore. Nothing had meaning.

When I walked outside, felt the cold wind sting my cheeks, I didn’t really feel it. All I felt was the numbness it brought, the memories I tried so hard to repress. The cold felt like him touching me. I wasn’t allowed to think about that.

I no longer could read anything. It only brought back all the discussions we had had about books, and that was a one way path to pain.

I never had liked to watch TV. But now, I couldn’t even if I had. I would remember him sitting next to my father, cheering on some sports team. Or sitting next to me, watching a movie.

My appearance meant little to me now. His sister used to always prattle on and on about how looking good was always important, and that made me care even less. I showered everyday, brushed my hair and teeth, watched my face. I just never tried to do anything other than what was expected of me. If that meant leaving my hair in a messy pony everyday, so be it.

Music was simply impossible now. I had a pile of broken CDs collecting dust in my trash can. He had been so gifted at music, that even hearing it brought back wave after wave of painful memories. The only thing I could even listen to now was rap. I didn’t even count it as good. Just sound in the background. Though I never had to listen to anything in my truck. I had already torn out the stereo they had gotten me.

I was so confused as to what to do. Why should I keep on going with what little life I had? There was nothing in it except the blank numbness of my mind.

There were some reasons, I slowly remembered. Images of my father drifted into my mind. He would be devastated if I died, physically. I was already dead on the inside, and he knew that. He tried to cheer me up, but he didn’t understand.

I barely understood myself anymore.

The girl I saw in the mirror wasn’t me. She was a ghost, a shadow of the girl who used to be in her body. She had sallow skin, and dark shadows under her eyes. She was sickly thin, and looked frail.

Another image came to my mind. One of my mother. She was the person I had gone to for everything. She talked to me about boys, and all the confusing things about becoming a teenager. I could tell her everything. Except for my pain. Even if I wanted to talk about it, I couldn’t explain everything to her. She would just send me to the loony bin.

With other’s thoughts strong in my mind, I slowly got out of my bed. It was time to start another day, no matter how difficult.

I slowly got dressed, though I wasn’t sure what I was wearing. I brushed my hair, and walked down the stairs.

Charlie was waiting for me, just like any other morning. He probably wanted to make sure I actually woke up, and wasn’t a cold mass on my bed.

I actually felt guilty about the pain I brought him. It was one of the few emotions I could feel.

But I didn’t think too much about it. I didn’t think much about anything. It was the blissfulness of unawareness. There was no pain, and there was no thinking that would bring pain.

I went on into yet another empty day in my empty existence.