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Old Existence

Summary:
FOURTH IN THE FATE'S COURSE SERIES. How are we supposed to go back to living as if she had never touched our hearts, and our lives? oldexistancebannersmall.tiff


Notes:
Surprisingly, I actually have a plot planned out. Weird! I understand every song is Linkin Park... I'm OBSESSED! <3 LP


5. Chapter 5

Rating 4/5   Word Count 1173   Review this Chapter



I had checked into a motel in a small town I didn't know the name nor care if I did. All I really needed the room for was for showering and cleaning up, but I wanted to rest too, even if I didn't need it.


I felt relief from the scalding water pulsing across my shoulders that only felt like a slightly warm massage. I felt my hair stick to my back, weighed down by the water and reached for the shampoo.


"Happy," she whispered and my hand jerked, sending the shampoo skidding off the top of the toilet and across the ugly tiles. I stepped onto the thin shower carpet, and my feet soaked it through to the hard floor. I bent and picked the shampoo, and stepped back into the shower, not feeling any big change of temperature.


I scrubbed the lucid green, cheap shampoo into my hair, ignoring the way it made my hair feel slightly gritty and dry against my scalp.


I used all of the thin shampoo, then tossed the bottle into the trash can under the counter. Next, I moved for the conditioner, wondering why she had told me at that exact moment to be happy. Was it her sense of humor talking, telling me I should be happy with that cheap shampoo? I grinned. Knowing Lizzie, it might have been just that.


"Be strong," she whispered to me as I leaned against the cramped shower wall, letting the conditioner soak in. I watched the ashes swirl with the water, making it cloudy and opaque.It reminded me of Aro's milky eyes.


"How?" I asked as I watched the foggy water flow down the drain.


She has no answer for that, I thought. Little did I know is that later that night I would find the answer to that question.


I was sitting on one of the maroon, horribly uncomfortable armchairs, one knee tucked to my chest with my cheek resting on it. My hair blocked my eyes from wandering around the room, but they were closed anyway.




(AN Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmukW1sNlIk&NR=1 )




"I regret nothing."


I raised my head quickly, still hoping. I need to stop this. Every time I get high hopes, when they disappear I come crashing to the ground, always harder than before.


"Bella was the source of everything that kept our family together and the peace between the pack and our coven. You all need her."


She wasn't talking to me. Who was she talking to?


"All I can hope is that Jane was destroyed, and that you are all safe.


I am thankful for whatever latent reason, that tears, yes tears, are running down my face right now."


My lip trembled.


"I am gone. I'm afraid. I don't exactly know where I am, but I want you to know...


Don't resent me.


When you're feeling empty, keep me in your memories, but leave out all the rest. All the grieve and depression. Leave it. I now know how powerful and important memories are. Cherish them for what I hope is forever for you."


There was the answer. That was how to be happy? I would do it for her. I would do it for Lizzie.


"Don't be afraid. If Jane died and you are safe, then I am surely not scared. Beneath my hard granite skin, I had been weak, but finding you again made me strong.


So...... when the time comes, forget the wrong that I've done, and help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.


And forget all the hurt you hide inside yourselves so well. Someone else can come and save me from myself. I caused my end. Fate is a strong thing, and always for the greater good."


That's why I was here. To let the hurt out.


"I was the thing that actuated the end of my existence. Because, it's impossible to save you from yourself.


If I had lived, it would have been all wrong. I always felt that I can't be who you are. I can't be.


But I will tell you this. Dying feeling loved is the best thing I've ever felt. Tell Collin I thank him, and love him."


I would have to tell Collin this. I owed it to him. If I hadn't been in trouble, she would still be alive.


"Tell Cne she can finally feel wanted. She can finally feel. And if she cries for me, I want her to know to move on. She's finally free for the first time.


Emmett I can still beat you in a fight.


Edward I'm a better driver than you.


Bella I love you and Jacob doesn't hate you."


I buried my face in my hands, sobbing softly.


"Jasper I hope you felt how much love I did before I died.


Alice my future had been so set in stone, there was no way of preventing it since the day of my car crash, even though I didn't realize it till I was jumping in front of Jane.


Rosalie you're even more beautiful when you smile.


Esme, my mom,I love you and you couldn't have given me more love.


Carlisle thank you for being my angel all those times I killed.


This story of my life has been dedicated to you, my dear family.


I love you.


I'll miss you.


Forever,


Elizabeth Cullen"




"I love you so much," I whispered from between my fingers. "How can I not?" I lifted my hands, brushing my damp hair away from my eyes. Something white was laying on the bed. I floated over to stand beside the bed. I lifted it gingerly, and unfolded it.


I regret nothing.


That was all I had to read before screaming and throwing it onto the bed...Before crashing to the ground, sobbing.


"Keep holding on," I heard her whisper, and I felt invisible arms wrap around me. I was shuddering uncontrollably.



~~~~~~~~~


I can't believe I was here. Just hours ago, I had promised myself I would never be here again. Here I was. That's commitment.


I sighed shakily. "Lizzie? Lizzie, if you're alive, why are you hiding from us?"


The wind blew and the leaves fluttering were the only thing my acute hearing picked up. How can you expect me to keep holding on if every time you indicate you're alive you crush it?


I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. I was so close. So close to believing, and I was holding it off. I didn't want the pain when the possibility was crushed. I can't give in to this.


Was that my problem? Should I totally give into the feeling it was alive and let it be thoroughly flushed out of me? Maybe that's what I needed to do. So I WOULD visit this place again. I would embrace the pain. You have to get worse before you get better. I'm not going to be stuck in this numbness forever.


Because that's how long I would be stuck. Forever.