'Once You've Loved Somebody'

I sat on my bed, looking out the window that hasn’t been opened in what feels like a lifetime. Tears silently roll down my cheeks, saturating my sheets that have already been drowned. The moon shines on, making the tear tracks on my cheeks stand out.

I think about everything.

I should go out tonight
Get on with my life
Break these chains of solitude
With a little luck and a little help
I might even find myself
In the arms of someone new

Why did he have to go? These past few months have been hell. It feels as though I have been enclosed in a room. No windows, no doors, no feelings. No feelings except numbness. The never ending numb I can’t even notice because of it. I need to get out and go…

Where? All my friends have given up trying to talk to me, comfort me. And no wonder. I have become a robot; waking every morning to struggle through another day without feelings. I need to start living again… but I can’t

'Cause once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you

The tears fell into my lap, making the pain worse. Every drop that landed on the bed was another part of my old life that I was remembering. Him, his voice, his smile, his touch. I shied away from it all during the day, but at night – I escaped from that room that enclosed me.

For the first time in a long time, I took a good look at myself. That made the tears fall faster. I hated what I was now.

Look what you've gone and done
Ruined everything for anyone
Who tries to steal this heart away
I can't get you off of my mind
I've tried to tell myself a million times
A little time is all it takes

That was what I needed. “Time”, I repeated it over and over again. It was my mantra… but I knew I was lying to myself. I would never get over him.

'Cause once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you

When he left, he took a part of me with him. My heart and soul.

I gave you everything that I had to give
I don't know if I can go that far again

I don’t think I will ever fully recover.

'Cause once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you

I lay back down on the bed and covered my face with a pillow, trying not to let these thoughts push me over the edge. I closed my eyes and pictured myself standing on the edge of a cliff. This was where I was now. On an imaginary cliff. My cliff.

If I fell, I would fall straight back into that room that has held me for so long… but this time it would offer no return, I knew that much. I needed to come back, step away from the edge of that cliff that I pictured so realistically in my mind. I needed to wake up from this eternal slumber I had drifted into.

For him. For myself.

Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you

I still do Edward, I willed him to hear. I love you.