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I Love Your Existence

Summary:
Edward never came back, Bella never jumped...instead both became musicians. What will happen when they experience a connection in their music? my first story, be gentle.


Notes:
i love music and i decided to write this because it was chewing my insides. hope you like it...


1. Connections/Almost Lover

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2095   Review this Chapter

Bella’s Point of View

I took a deep breath.

“You can do this. Bella.”I said to myself.” Breathe In, Breathe out. It’s going to be perfect.” My lungs threatened to burst out of my chest. I was near hyperventilation. It seems to me that I could never gather a deep breath anymore. The hole in my chest had expanded in the recent weeks since I got this job. Being a professional singer/performer, had taught me to release my feelings. Especially the ones I had bottled up. My lyrics were heartbreaking and sincere, and that’s how I got discovered.

My manager, Steve, found me on La Push beach taking what Jacob liked to call my “music days”. Those were the days where I sat down and let myself wallow in the self loathing and write songs of what came from the whole mess. I had taught myself to play guitar to accompany my lyrics. Steve heard me singing them and gave me his card. Beautiful, was the word he used. I took it from him and immediately made the decision to not call him. I didn’t need other people reveling in my agony. Jacob hassled me for days about him. Saying it was a great opportunity and that I should call Steve. I did it just to get him off my back. Steve invited me to Seattle to meet the head honcho at his record label. I recorded a quick demo. Two days later I was signing a record deal.

Now, I’m in New York. Playing on tour with Sara Bareilles and Michael Buble. In front of hundreds of people. Surprisingly, I had a great voice. Angela said it was a mixture between Amy Lee and Allison Sudol. Haunting, deep, but lovely at the same time. Jake taught me how to read sheet music, him being a fellow guitar player himself. I had a hard time listening to music after HE left.

When he did leave, it was torture. I was virtually catatonic. When Renée came to forks to take me to Florida with her I finally started to live again. After the couple days of throwing and breaking things, I started to cry. Charlie said it was weeks before I could go out in public again. But even then I was still broken, lifeless, and dead. You could see it in my eyes. The only reason I was still living was Charlie and Renée. I couldn’t do that to them. Mom suggested I start writing to let go of my caged emotions.

First I wrote in journals, then in poems, and finally in song. I had always felt connected to music, so it kind of flowed through me and on to the paper. Slowly I became more myself. I would eat and talk like a normal person. It was all a charade though. Every day I lie to the people I love. Quickly, I came to terms with the pain and the hole in my chest. The horrible nightmares that came with them. If that was the penance for remembering HIM, I would pay it.

Jake and Angela helped me out a lot. They were the only ones that had gained enough of my trust to tell them about how much pain I was really in. They understood, well at least they tried to understand. Jake was always there for me. Even when I didn’t want him to be. He was like the little brother I never wanted. Within a few weeks of knowing him, he turned into a Quileute werewolf. It was a tad bit freakish at first but now, it doesn’t bother me. I seem to attract crazy supernatural creatures like a magnet. Angela helped me through the whole “OMG! You have a record deal” phase that everyone was in. thank goodness we graduated and I moved away. She applied to Washington State. We talk everyday, maybe even twice a day. She was a great emotional help for me. Angela is a really good listener, and even though she doesn’t really know exactly how I feel she at least tried to sympathize.

“You ready babe?” Becky, my best friend, came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder with her drumsticks. She is the only girl in my band. I was so happy it was her, and not john (my bassist). He is creepy. Becky is my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without her. Being on tour with only three girls definitely could send someone over the edge.

“Yeah. I guess…”I trailed off. Tonight was the biggest venue I had ever been in. To tell the truth, I was terrified. “I just hope I don’t trip or throw up over everyone.”

“Oh Bells don’t worry about that. We made sure all the cords were taped down flat and we got you a cordless mic. It’s all good. Just go out there and do your thing” yes. I am that clumsy. Screaming and applause erupted from the stage as she stepped out of the curtains.

“Thank you!” I yelled after her. All of my nerves gone with the sudden burst of adrenaline that just coursed through my veins. I took a deep breath and ran after her.

The applause got louder. I felt my lips curl into the ghost of my real smile. I had no idea that so many people listened to my music.

“Hey everybody! I’m Bella Swan.” I raised my hand in a hello gesture and turned to the piano. I put the microphone into the cradle and laid my fingers against the keys. “This first song I wrote for Edward.”I winced at the casual use of his name. No more slips… “I have some advice for you love, whoever told you that a human’s mind was a sieve lied to you. I’ve tried everything. Nothing can make me forget the memories.” And with that I let my fingers play. The first key was haunting, and slow. So ghostly, it was beautiful. Becky taught me to play after she first started in the band. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, with all of the memories of HIM playing my lullaby, but I did do

******************************************

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my skin
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
NoWell, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

******************************************

I think it’s kind of funny how things turned out. I was in love with a musical genius/prodigy, and I wasn’t musically inclined at all. But once HE left I figured out my own musical talent/passion. I found my calling. The only weird thing about the situation is that haven’t listened to anyone else’s music since then. Heck, I barely even listen to my own music. I don’t even own anymore CDs. Everyone in my band thinks it’s annoying that they can’t blast any music from the bus’ wonderful speaker system. They quickly figured that lesson out the hard way when I broke down after Shawn (lead guitar) put Clair de Lune in the player.

Sometimes I wish that Edward would find my music. I wish, in some weird and perverse way, that he seen how much pain he had inflicted on me. I also wanted him to know that he was forgiven. Even if he didn’t love me, I still love him. I could never hold a grudge against him for doing what he thought was right, no matter how much it hurt me. I wished he would find my music. But wishes are just wishes and most of them never come true.

My next song was easily the most heartbreaking song I had ever written. Billy, Jacob’s dad had tears in his eyes when he first heard it. And that is a hard feat, let me tell you. It wasn’t a song about my anguish or pain; it was a song of my love for HIM. Edward.

Edward, Edward, Edward. My one love. His name pulsed through my brain. Thinking about him made the song fresh in my conscience. Please hear this. I love you. Please come to me. I pleaded in my head.

I got up from the piano and grabbed my black fender guitar. I sat crossed legged on the floor and started to play “You’re Guardian Angel”

******************************************

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cause you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

******************************************

The last note stabbed my heart with certain finality. The hole I tried so hard to plaster over ripped wide open. My eyes filled with tears with at the pain.

I managed to choke out a small, “sorry”, before I hurried off the stage. I needed to get a handle on my self. I just couldn’t figure out how to do that at the moment. All I could think of was him, his presence, his face, his voice. I knew he heard it. It was impossible, but he did. By some supernatural connection, he heard my song. That wasn’t the most horrible thing about it. If that was all that happened, I could have dealt with it. But no. The most horrible thing was that I heard him singing along with me. His beautiful angelic voice blending in with my broken one in perfect harmony. I felt him. As if he was right next to me, singing those words of never ending love and devotion. But that couldn’t have happened. It was unimaginable that he could have ever known the words to my song, because I hadn’t even recorded it in the studio yet.

This was by far the only hallucination that I did not welcome with open arms. There was too much pain connected to this particular one. Sooner or later I am going to crack and they are going to have to put me in the psychiatric ward. I walked to the wall that was farthest away form the stage. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I slumped down the wall and let them run down my face.