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Jasper and the Goose

Summary:
Well, it's pretty obvious. Jasper is out hunting when he encounters... surprise, surprise, a goose.


Notes:
Yeah, well... Looney requested it, and I can't be bothered with the rest of my stories at the moment. They bore me desperately, but I've promised to finish them. This is an idea I've had for a while... just ask Looney! (speaking of whom, you should totally read her new story - eight days. It's fabulous, if a little... unfinished ISN'T THAT RIGHT LOONEY?!?!? See ya at the bottom! You will have the final vote in this! When you get to the bottom, pretty please leave me a little review saying who you think should... Well, I'll finish that thought at the bottom...


1. I ~ It

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1219   Review this Chapter

Its evil eyes glared at me from the bush. I stood, frozen right where I was, frantically screaming in my head for someone, anyone, to come help me. Right now, I wouldn’t even mind Emmet, though he’d tease me mercilessly if he knew how scared I was. No, not scared, terrified. Suddenly, a loud honking erupted from the bushes all around me. There were more of them! I screamed, no longer caring about my pride.

“HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

It had all started earlier that day, when Emmet had tried to eat one of the rabbits outside our house. Esme, who was rather fond of the fluffy little critters, had scolded him profusely and sent him off to hunt. When Alice and I returned from shopping, she told us to follow on, to keep an eye on him. We’d met Edward on the way, and persuaded him to come with us. He was reluctant to come at first – though his eyes were black, he didn’t want to leave Bella. So Alice had said she’d go watch Bella, and Edward could go relieve her when he’d sated his thirst. Edward had reluctantly agreed, and Alice had squealed and sprinted off, presumably to drag Bella off shopping, even though we’d only just got back. So it was a ‘boys only’ hunting trip, in a manner of speaking, as we were all more than 50 years old and technically not even human so… anyhow, where was I? Oh yeah, we were hunting…

So we ran up to the mountains, because Emmet said he fancied a grizzly bear, and Edward decided to treat himself and try to snag a mountain lion. I'm not really fussy when it comes to hunting, but there is one creature I hate above all others. One animal – a bird – which I avoid like the plague…

The humble goose.

I hate geese. I don’t know why, after all, I'm a vampire, pretty much indestructible, and I could easily destroy it, the frail, warm – blooded thing that it is. Except, whenever I see, smell or hear a goose, I freeze up. Can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t think. Yeah. I know, completely wimpy. Hence the reason I was currently up a tree. Wait, I was up a tree? How’d I…

I sensed someone approaching. From their emotions, I could tell they were curious, nervous, but not amused. So, they didn’t know that a fearsome vampire war veteran was stuck up a tree, surrounded by geese. I sniffed the air. Human, definitely. Familiar… perhaps someone from school? Oh well, I had nothing to loose but my dignity

“Hello?” I called, in the vague hope that the human was near enough to hear.

“Hey, is someone there?” A male voice replied. I cringed; I recognised that voice. This was not going to be pretty…

“Yeah, where are you? I could… I mean… Uhhh…”

“Hang on, I'm coming! Are you hurt?” He shouted, in a business like tone. His fear was replaced by pride and expectation, and I didn’t have to be a mind reader to guess that he was hoping to find an injured hiker, rescue him and bring him back to civilization, and safety, where girls would swoon and beg him to go out with them. I snorted. Fat chance. At that moment, he burst through the trees at one side of the clearing. He looked all around, confused. I decided to give him a helping hand.

“I'm up here, Mike.”

“Jasper? Hale? You’re the one crying for help?”

“Yeah Mike, believe it or not.” I swallowed the venom that was pouring into my mouth – fought the thirst which commanded me to leap from the tree, rip, tear, drink all of his warm, crimson blood… I could almost feel it, taste it, as if it were already gushing from his fragile body into my mouth…

“Sooo… Why are you up the tree? Are you stuck?”

“Uhhh… not exactly…” I smelt another vampire approaching, and recognised the scent. I could’ve wept with relief, if vampires could cry.

“It’s okay Mike, my brother’s coming now. You can go.” Mike was suddenly nervous again.

“Which brother? Cullen or… wait, no…” despite the geese still hidden in the bushes, I still laughed at the idiotic human’s confusion. Mike was so thick!

“Jasper?” Edward called as he approached the clearing. Mike’s confusion changed to anger, and I could sense Edward’s amusement, either at my predicament or Mike’s thoughts.

“What predicament?” He asked, frowning at me. Mike was really confused by now. Mentally, I explained about the geese. Before I had even finished, Edward was beside me in the tree, fear emanating off of him. He hadn’t even bother to travel at human speed, and poor Mike looked as if his tiny brain was about to implode.

“Oh God… Edward, please do not tell me you are afraid of geese too!” He nodded weakly clutching at the tree as he smelt the foul fowl.

“Wait,” said Mike suddenly ecstatic “You guys are afraid of geese?”

“Of course not!” Edward exclaimed, grimacing, presumably at Mike’s thoughts on the situation.

He turned to me and nodded. “He’s going to tell everyone at school tomorrow – especially Bella and Alice. He seems to think that if he tells them they’ll want him instead of us.” He muttered in a voice inaudible to humans.

“No way! Dude, you guys are so totally afraid! Sweet!”

“We’re not scared Mike!” I growled fiercely.

“Really? Then why are you up the tree?” My witty retort was cut short as a girly scream filled the air. Emmet came sprinting through the trees, three angry geese in hot pursuit. He soon joined us up the tree.

“Emmet, you are afraid of geese too? What the hell?” I was, quite frankly, astounded. Big, strong, bearlike Emmet, afraid of geese? What was the world coming to?

“I know” agreed Edward, answering my unspoken thought “Here we are, three terrifying monsters, hiding up a tree from a flock of local water birds, whilst our natural prey, a pathetic human, stands below us, laughing at us! It’s…”

“Embarrassing?” suggested Emmet, clinging to the tree trunk, as if he was never going to let go.

“Definitely.” Edward agreed, shaking his head sorrowfully. “Emmet, if I were you, I’d be worried. Mike is planning on telling Rosalie how scared you are, and the mental images… they’re not pleasant…” Emmet growled, his fear temporarily forgotten, swept away by his anger.

“I'm gonna kill that son of a…” He screamed again, as the creature I’d been hiding from finally revealed itself, strutting from behind the bush as if it owned the place. I heard a whimper, and looked to see which of my brothers had made it. Edward shook his head, amusement nudging the fear slightly from his tone as he whispered;

“Mike” Then I realised that Mike was just as afraid as – if not more than – us. That revelation almost put me in hysterics, especially as I watch the slightly podgy form of Mike Newton flailing desperately as he struggled to pull himself onto the first ranch of the tree we now occupied. We laughed, some, but not all, of our tension dissipating as we watched him. But all too soon he was safely, if not securely, ensconced within the leafy foliage, and we were left with no form of distraction, to face our feathered foe.