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Malicious Mascara

Emmett finds mascara in the girls' bathroom. Can he outsmart it or will it outsmart him?

What happens when Emmett gets into a whole lot of chaos, instigated by curiosity and lack of self-control? A series of mishaps and fanfiction chapters of course!

1. The Clump

Rating 4/5   Word Count 1097   Review this Chapter

Emmett’s POV

My Rosalie is gone. Edward is gone. Alice is gone. Jasper is gone.

And more importantly, Carlisle and Esme are gone. Good. PERFECT!

I’ve always wondered what the girls keep up here. I know Rosalie’s got those monster high heels which damn hurt, let me tell you. You do NOT want to be on the receiving end of those things when she gets mad.

And it wasn’t even my fault! I mean, come on, everyone knows you shouldn’t walk through a doorway that has a bucket of V8 in it. (V8 has got to be the worst smelling human source of nutrition!) And you shouldn’t sit in a red wooden chair that has red food coloring in it. (Hehe. Menstruation.)

So it would make sense that you shouldn’t drive a car that I just fixed. (Needless to say, her car went BOOM! Too bad she didn’t.)

Well, anyways, I snuck into their bathroom—their lock was really crummy—and lo and behold, I found treasure.

That is, if you could call bottles and even more bottle treasure. Oh. That was disappointing. I thought they would have some kind of feminine valuable and I was really hoping to find something Jasper was hiding from the rest of us. Hey, if you knew the things I knew… I shuddered.

But sadly, no. It was just guck, the kind humans put on. You know, make-up.

I started to walk away when I became curious. What is that guck, anyways? Hmm…




These certainly didn’t sound promising. No wonder Bella puts up a fight everytime.

I opened the so-called mascara. Gross. It looked like Jasper’s melted Blackberry. Yes, I melted his cell phone in 450 degrees boiling water. I sniffed it. Ew! It’s even worse! It smelled like Eric that one time he came to school a few weeks ago.

We were sitting at our table in our usual spots, none of us eating except Bella and the other humans. That one squirrel face. What was his name again? Bike? Tike? Crap face?

Oh yeah, MikeNewton was chewing way too loudly. It made the disgusting food look even more disgusting—sort of like his face. What a newt.

I took a sharp intake and then stopped breathing completely. What was that? My siblings’ faces were distorted with disgust for a brief moment before being replaced by a calmer, more serene look. Bella looked as though nothing had happened and Mike still looked like crap.

Could I do it?

I breathed again. Nope, I couldn’t. I looked around, trying to pinpoint its origin. Then Eric Yorkie walks in. And I smelled it, even though I wasn’t breathing. His smell was so strong and so foul that it infiltrated my defenses!

Guys, you’re going to have to go on without me! Edward smirked. Fine, don’t care about me.

I can’t stand it. Damn that Dorkie! What does he do? Bathe in werewolf spit?

“It’s his new cologne. He hopes it will impress Bella.” Edward muttered.

Oh, so he does bathe in werewolf spit. Eric walked by me and plopped himself down next to Bella. I stifled a laugh as Bella was suddenly repulsed, betrayed by her own nose.

Well, the scent got the best of me. On his next trip to the bathroom, I followed him. (No, you perverts, I am NOT a stalker. I’ll accept Secret Spy Alpha Force Agent Emu.) Long story short, Eric found himself lodged in one of the toilets, completely surrounded by soap… and vampire spit.

I looked at the instructions on the mascara.

Place on upper and bottom eyelashes for longer, thicker lashes. For external use only. Do not consume.

Huh, I wonder what would happen if I accidentally brought this along our next hunting trip and I accidentally slipped some of it into Edward’s food. Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll start convulsing and change colors. Maybe Bella would appreciate a more colorful Edward. A purple Edward would be a nice change.

So it’s for the eyelashes. How do you do this? I carefully brushed it on, pulling the wand downwards. And poked my eye. Good going, sexy. Yes, I am sexy. Don’t deny it.

I got up real close to the mirror and I tried again. This time, my eyelashes were facing inwards, repeatedly poking my eye everytime I blinked. Not only that, but a whole black clump stuck on.

I pulled my eyelashes upwards with my fingers. Great, now they look like zebra stripes. I blinked. That feels better, but there was still that obnoxious clump.

I batted my eyelashes. Hey, I look kind of cute when I do that. No, no. Emmett, you are one sexy man, not sexy girl. Focus!

That obnoxious clump is sooo going to get owned. I WILL PWN YOU MALICIOUS MASCARA!

This time, I tried pulling it out instead. Ouch! My enemy had glued itself to me with its evil sucking tentacles.

Time to bring out the guns.

I never thought I’d say this, but maybe Rosalie’s heels could come in handy for purposes other than sticking them up Jasper's—ok, I don’t think I need to go into details here.

I found her high heels and smacked my eyelashes with it. I missed and hit my nose instead. Dog dick!

Several expletives later…

I then found Alice’s comb and I started combing my eyelashes. Ah! Ah! It felt like the time I had decided to let Alice do my hair.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked. I sure wasn’t.

“Positive.” Alice dunked my head into the cold water.

She yanked me out, pulling me by my hair.

“Aaaah!” I growled.

“Sorry.” She smiled darkly. Oh evil, evil girl.

I knew that was payback for the time I took her new car out and crashed it. (Whoa. I just realized this is a flashback in a flashback. Freaky.) Of course she saw it, but not before it was too late. Again, not my fault! I swear, it’s not my fault there happened to be a tree in my way. In my defense, I was going at least 200 mph. There was no way my small brain could’ve seen it. But the tree could’ve moved, you know.

Swoosh! Snip! Spray!

Grab! Tug! Yank!

“All done!”

I looked at my reflection.

“Oh my dead body. Alice!”

I turned around but she was already gone. I looked back at my reflection. She had given me cornrows!