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Small Smiles and Lies

Summary:
“I love you,” murmured Tanya’s mind, gaze and lips as she slowly leant forward. When Edward told Bella that Tanya had shown "an interest" in him in Denali, what exactly did he mean? Did it go further than Bella could have percieved? Edward battles once more with his concience before the wedding day. When he has so much to lose, can he decide whether hurting her is better than lying to her?


Notes:
Hey, I haven't written a story with chapters for a while... so bear with me! I should have the rest of chapter three up within a few days. I only intend to write four, but it all depends on how I end the next two... So enjoy!


4. The World for Her Smile

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The World for Her Smile

The rain was the only sound that broke this silence. The quiet stretching out was the type that felt never-ending. If it had a colour, it would be cerulean- a clear, cloudless blue. Like the zenith you stared into on a perfect summer’s day. The kind you never see the end of- it just keeps stretching out into the space behind it, the space that you can’t see either. Eventually, you have to look away because it doesn’t end. White cracks start appearing in your vision, and you know you will go blind before you ever see its finish…

Edward finally opened his eyes, but knew what he would see. Bella still lay there, sleeping the enchanted sleep of some fairytale princess. Yet, he was the one who had bitten the poisoned apple. He had kissed Tanya, touched her, when he had never felt anything more for her than the casual affection he felt for any member of his family. She was barely a friend, more of an acquaintance. Edward had spent more time talking to himself in that hidden musical cell than he had spent having any sort of meaningful conversation with her. He had been wrong, so very wrong, to think for any length of time that he felt for her one thousandth of what Jasper felt for Alice. Or even one millionth of what he felt for the insentient, impossible girl who lay in front of him now.

For a while, Edward had wondered whether he would ever find what Tanya felt for him with another. After they had moved back to Forks, it had been on his mind for weeks. Eventually, it had drifted into his subconscious. He had been dragged back to his music, by force of habit more than anything else. It didn’t hold the same level of attraction as it had before… it was no reason for existence- but what else was there to do at night? Edward smiled at Bella quickly, remembering the first time he had found a new way to spend the moonlit hours. When he met Bella, he had thought of his brief epiphany again. She dug up all the youth in him, all his past. She had made him realise that what he had imagined feeling before was nothing compared to what he had found. Tanya had made him desire companionship, someone to stay with him through the empty, never-ending years. His relationship with Bella was so much more than what he had thought of then. He had truly never felt anything like he had in those first few weeks or anything like the emotions that stirred deep in his chest just from looking at his fiancée. Edward had wanted what his family had. He had found Bella. He would never stop thanking life for the luck he had been blessed with.

Throughout his speech, he had been listening carefully to Bella’s vitals. At first, he thought she had been saying nothing so she could hear everything he whispered in his raw, remorseful tone. About halfway through, when her breathing was still the same steady rhythm and her heartbeat hadn’t erred from its predicted pattern, Edward realised that she had no idea what he was telling her. These words were probably the only things that could make her have second thoughts about their fast approaching wedding day. He had thought about kissing her to tempt her from her night visions, or placing his cool hand on her near-translucent features but perhaps this was a sign. When he would drop bombs for her peace of mind, give the world for her smile, what was the point in hurting her? He knew, especially after the all too realistic pictures from Jacob Black, that he could never cause her or himself such pain again.

With a sigh, he stood up and in a blur he was back in his watchman’s position in the corner of the room. No, he wouldn’t leave her. Or maybe couldn’t. Not unless she asked… the thought had barely come into existence when Edward shook it away with vehement fury. This revelation would certainly tip the scales in favour of Jacob Black- but as Edward had told Bella before, he was essentially a selfish creature. A humourless smiled flashed across his lips at the memory. He couldn’t bear to lose her again, especially due to his own weakness, his own pointless stupidity. He had been wrong to let his emotions rule his actions. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

Edward’s eyes drifted back to his Bella’s face. It would have been mostly hidden in the dark shadow of the duvet to anyone with normal human vision, but Edward could see every inch with microscopic precision. Her jaw was slightly slack, her eyelids were still. She had passed the phase where her mind would be conscious enough to verbalise her dreams; there would be no more interesting comments from her tonight. He decided to go home and change for something to do- no doubt Alice would want them both at the house bright and early to look at more identical shades of cream to choose from for the napkin rings… Still, anything for a perfect wedding- and to keep Alice happy.

With one more stroke of her chestnut brown hair, he leapt to the window ledge and landed in a silent crouch. His shadow covered the wall above her, like some cartoon superhero trademark. Edward glanced back from the open window to visually caress her features one more time, and then he was gone. The moon could have reached out and grabbed him, he was gone at such a speed. There and then gone- there was no other way to describe it. The moonlight hit the opposite wall once more, uninterrupted by any mythical shadows. The room was still, as if he’d never been there at all.

It took a few moments for Bella to prise open her jaw. She had heard every word, woken by the sound of his beautiful voice aching with such pain. She gasped in some much needed air; her tongue was raw where she had bitten it. She sat up straight, so tensed that her backbone felt like a metal rod. Edward was gone. How could she trust him again? More lies, more deceit- perhaps Jake had been right. Bella looked up in anguish at the ceiling, speaking to some God she didn’t know if she believed in. How could Edward have done this to her again? He had told her what he done with Tanya… kissed her, touched her… and then disappeared into the night. Had he realised she was awake, but frozen by her fear that he would leave? Had this been some sort of hassle-free farewell? Perhaps he had cleared his conscience and then left her again, for the beautiful and quite obviously available Tanya.

Bella’s eyes widened, drinking in as much of the watery moonlight as she could- like it would wash away the terrible thoughts playing like a stuck tape through her mind. Her lips, blood red from where she had bitten them to keep them shut in Edward’s confession, ripped apart to allow her breath to escape in a sudden rush. He was gone, and she was screaming to cover the sound of her heart breaking, breaking, breaking.