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Abandoned. That's how I felt when he left me. I was about to lose my sanity, wondering if he'd come back. And Renee? She was just trying to help.


1. Abandoned

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I was awoken by a dim light and whispering. I looked at the clock, a quarter past eleven. Charlie should be in bed. I looked to where the light and the whispers seemed to be coming from. I turned over and found two people standing by my dresser. “It’s warm there, she won’t need a sweatshirt,” I headr one of them whisper. I think I’m imagining things. Is that my mom‘s voice? I can recognize Charlie’s figure in the dim light. I quietly turn on my bedside lamp.

Everything was blurry at first, I rubbed my eyes. When everything became clear, I could see Charlie holding a bag and my mother holding a shirt of mine standing by my wardrobe. They both stopped in place and started to stare at me waiting for my response. “What are you doing?” I asked my voice cracking.

Mom began to walk towards my bed and she sat down. “Hey sweetheart. I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you,” she said sweetly.

I, for one, was confused. Personally I don’t mind being woken up. He haunts my dreams; my dreams of him are now nightmares. I cringed at the thought of them. “But why are you packing my clothes? Am I going somewhere?” I asked confused.

“You’re coming home honey,” Renee said softly.

“I am home mom,” I told her. She sighs. I felt as if I was missing something here. I haven’t snapped out of my sleepy daze just yet, but I can see I am missing something.

“This is going to be harder than I thought,” I heard her mutter. “You’re coming to live with me in Jacksonville. It’s time to come home Bella,” she explained. I sat there for a quiet moment, taking all of that in. “Coming to live with me in Jacksonville,” the words played in my head. Jacksonville. Far from Forks.

It hit me, Charlie can’t handle me now. So he is giving up. Some father he is. “Why? I’m fine mom,” I attempted to convince her. I could feel the tears building in my eyes.

I failed. “No you’re not honey,” she said softly. “Come on we need to get you packed. That way we can leave when you wake up. Our flight leaves at seven tomorrow.” She walked back over to my dresser and started to put clothes in the bag Charlie was holding. Charlie avoided looking at me the whole time. A minute passed. I lost control of my body when I stood up and began to walk towards my closet. I thought of nothing. I could feel the relief my parents felt as they watched me.

I could feel their eyes burning into my back as I grabbed a hold of one of my shirts hanging up. I heard them both sigh as they watched me pick it up. Then their eyes left me. All self control was lost when I threw the shirt and hanger across the room towards them. I just felt this rage. I don’t want to leave; this is where Edward and I met. A shooting pain in my chest arose when I thought of his name and another piece of clothing and the hanger it was on went flying across the room.

“Bella settle down,” I heard my mother say calmly. Her voice was calm but her eyes were wide in shock. As if she was asking what happened to her daughter? I’ll tell you what happened, Edward Cullen broke me. I want to scream. The pain in my chest is burning now. A shoe goes flying this time. The shoe goes towards Charlie’s head and he ducks.

As I throw clothes out of my closet I scream, “YOU CAN‘T MAKE ME LEAVE!” Angry tears are now building in my eyes.

“Bella ca--” Charlie begins to say as another shoe goes flying across the room.

“NO! I can’t calm down. I won’t calm down,” I tell them. The burning in my chest is on fire.

“We understand Bella,” Renee shouts over my screaming. She doesn’t understand. When did someone leave her? When did the one person she loved and trusted most leave her out of the blue?

“You don’t understand!” I shout at her more angry tears building in my eyes and then spilling onto my face. I begin to throw some more items out of my closet.

Charlie begins to shout over the loud noise. He’s angry now, “I do understand Bella. I know how you feel.” I freeze in place. Charlie takes this time to add calmly this time, “You feel abandoned. I felt the same way when your mother left with you.” Abandoned. He abandoned me. Edward abandoned me. The rage came back when the thought of his name caused the image of his face, with the crooked smile I love and miss so much, popped up in my head.


I was abandoned by the person I love and trusted most. The one person who could ever break me broke me.

When all of my clothes are thrown out of my closet I stand still trying to catch my breath. At this time both Charlie and Renee walk over ready to comfort me. No one can comfort me except him. We all know that he isn’t going to comfort me this time. He will never comfort me again. I will never see him again. Ever.

They were almost to me at this point. The thoughts of never seeing him again set in and the burning rage was back. I shoved them out of the way and headed towards my dresser. I began to dig out all of the clothing out of the drawer they had opened earlier. This drawer was full of sweatshirts, I began throwing them everywhere in the room. Once the drawer was empty I opened the next one and began emptying that drawer.

It will be as if I’d never existed.

Those words in his voice caused me to throw the clothes with much more force. I heard my lamp fall to the floor as a bundle of shirts hit it and knocked it over. I didn’t even flinch as it crashed onto the floor. “Bella that’s enough!” I heard Charlie shout over the noise in a firm voice.

“No it’s not! The pain isn’t going away,” I shouted through angry tears. It will be as if I’d never existed. Never. Existed. Who was he fooling? He will always exist to me. Always.

Forget me.

I kept hearing his voice in my head. It wouldn’t go away. I started on another drawer. Why did he do this to me? Why? He had to have known I could never forget him. I will never forget him; I don’t wish that I could forget him. He is the only one for me.

I’m not good for you.

Not good for me? He was my oxygen, the reason I breathe. He’s the reason I kept my sanity. With him gone my sanity is hanging by a thread. I can feel my sanity slipping as I hear his voice in my head once again.

You’re not good for me, Bella.

Those very words made more tears come. Were these angry or sad tears?

I grabbed my head and trapped some of my hair in my hands as I made fists. “Stop it! Please just stop,” I pleaded to the voice in my head, his voice. I shut my eyes tightly. Damn tears. Bella, you’re being absurd. You’re the one being absurd. The voice snarled in disagreement. We are good for each other, we belong together. The burning in my chest became inflamed and I opened my eyes and lowered my hands to the next drawer. I pulled it out fiercely and threw it to the floor. I can feel the adrenaline flowing through my veins.

“Bella!” Charlie shouted over the noise, I ignored him. He began to walk towards me cautiously as I began to dig through another drawer.

When I began to throw more clothes I could hear what my mother was saying, “Charlie let her get it all out.” I could see out of the corner of my eye that she had grabbed his arm. When the drawer was empty I picked up the bag they had been packing and dumped it out then threw the bag towards my parents.

I am unstoppable at this point. I can’t stop. When I feel the power to his voice comes back. His topaz eyes pop in my head and I scream and move towards my bed. His eyes won’t disappear. Under his eyes is his crooked smile that I love so much. I begin to throw my pillows off of my bed. His entire face with his bronze hair is now clear inside my head. “No! Stop it!” I scream uncontrollably. Why won’t this stop? I can’t take this. I tear my sheets off of my bed and then let them fall to the floor.

My bed is stripped now. I breathe in rapid gasps. My chest rises and falls, rises and falls. I love you. I scream again. You don’t love me. If you loved me, then you would be here, right now, holding me as I’d fall asleep to your lullaby. When you’d finish, your face would be buried in my hair, listening to my heart beat, hearing me mutter the dumbest things as I slept.

That just made it worse. The voice began to hum my lullaby, his voice. It kept going over and over and over again. I screamed clutching my head again.

I looked around my room searching for something to help get rid of this pain. Nothing is helping. The one thing that can stop it, the one person, is the one who caused it.

“Edward is just a boy, Bella,” I stopped listening to Charlie after I heard his name.


He wasn’t just a boy, he was my world. My entire universe actually. I glanced around my room again and found my shelf. I walked over. I picked up one of my books, a romance one, and I threw it across the room. Romance doesn’t exist. That person is just going to stab you in the back as soon as they realize you can’t live without them. I threw some more books; one hit Charlie in the shoulder. You’d think he would be good at dodging things; he’s a cop for heaven’s sake. Edward would be able to dodge it….

More pain. A couple of more books go flying across the room. I can’t take this. This burning pain in my chest just doesn’t stop. “I want this damn pain to stop!” I yelled, mostly to myself and the voice in my head. “Stop,” I beg. “Please just stop,” I plead in a soft voice. I can feel the sob in my chest. The tears begin to build in my eyes, sad tears this time. I began to walk towards my bed so I could sit down when I tripped over the pile of clothes that I made, behind me. Instead of getting up and walking to my bed, I just sat up and hugged my knees to my chest.

The tears in my eyes began to fall. I buried my face in my folded arms on top of my knees. My body began to shake with sobs. Why did you do this to me? Because I love you. I pulled my knees closer to my chest. I’m too mentally exhausted to argue with the voice. I felt someone sit next to me. As soon as they touched me I knew it was my mother. She wrapped her hands around me and ran her hand through my hair.

After ten minutes of crying I turned my head to face my mom. Charlie was standing a couple of feet away; I guess he figured this was mother-daughter time. “I miss him mom,” I told her. She wiped my tears with her thumb.

“I know,” she told me, moving her hand to my back. She began to rub my back just like she used to when I was little and upset. I closed my eyes for a moment.

Another sob escaped my lips, “I want him back.”

“I don’t,” Charlie muttered angrily.

Renee glared at him for a moment before saying, “We know.” She wiped another tear from my face. Do these tears ever stop?

We sat silently for a while before Charlie broke the silence, “Come on Bella. Get some clothes packed. Your flight leaves at seven.” They are still making me leave?

I lifted my head from my arms. I looked at mom in the eyes, “Mom I can’t leave. You can‘t make me leave.”

“It’s for the best,” she said in a soft whisper.

I sniffled once, “Leaving would just make it worse mom. I need these silly reminders of him to keep me going,” I explained. “Leaving Forks would be like leaving him behind, I can’t do that yet mom. I’m not ready.”

She nodded. Charlie thought the whole thing was getting ridiculous. “We’ll talk about it more in the morning, okay?”

“But the flight is at seven. That’s,” I look at my alarm clock sitting on the table next to my bed, “seven hours from now.”

She sat silently thinking. I watch as she thinks. I miss having her around all the time. Even when he was here I would always feel this pain in my gut when I thought about the distance between my mother and me. We weren’t just states away; she doesn’t even know me anymore. I’ve changed so much in the last couple of months.

“I’ll call the airport and see if I can get a flight at a later time, so we can talk.” I smiled a little. I honestly don’t want to talk about it, but she is doing all she can to help me. It would be rude of me to tell her to just go home. I really do miss talking to her, but I don’t want to talk about this particular situation. “Now get some rest, you need it.” I just nodded in agreement. I am tired, both mentally and physically. I’ll need the rest to come up with a way to get my mom to take that flight back to Jacksonville without me.

My mother stood up then helped me up. I walk to my bed and lay down; Renee picks up my quilt and covers me up with it. Charlie brings over a pillow and hands it to me; I place it under my head and lay my head on it. My mother bends down and kisses my head, just like when I was younger. “Get some sleep, okay?” I nod. “I love you, Bella.”

“Love you too,” I say before I yawn. I close my eyes.

“Good night,” I hear Charlie say after picking up my lamp and placing it on the table. After he turns it off he and mom leave my room.

I waited until I heard them go down the stairs before I stood up and walked over to my window avoiding all of the clothes. Wouldn‘t want to slip and have Charlie and Renee come rushing up, now would I? I opened my window. When I laid back down and got comfortable I heard his voice again.

I love you, Bella.

“I know,” I told him before I began to drift off to sleep.