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Goodbye

Summary:
Alternate ending to New Moon. As the months continue Bella continues to slowly heal. But tragedy strikes again, creating a domino affect with everything in her life. With Edward gone, who will save her? New chapters finally added!


Notes:


17. Chapter 17: Time Doesn't Always Heal

Rating 5/5   Word Count 3169   Review this Chapter

It's like your a drug
It's like your a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all power it's like
The only company I seek is misery all around
It's like your a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You're taking over me
It's like I'm not me

Kelly Clarkson - Addicted

* * *

(Bella’s POV)

The plane ride was almost unbearable. Being confide to such a small area with all those innocent sweet smelling people. It took every ounce of my strength not to leap off the chair and kill every last one. It wouldn’t be the easiest thing to do, but we were in the sky, where would they go. If we crashed it wouldn’t matter, I would be able to just walk away, as if nothing had happened.

The women that sat next to was the most delightful thing I have yet to smell. It was almost impossible that she could smell that good. Her blood made my stomach burn from the inside out. I had to stop breathing so I wouldn’t have to continuously take in her aroma. My throat scratched, like I had just run a marathon without letting a single drop of water touch my tongue. I had only drank some hours ago, but that meant nothing amongst those people.

I was thankful to be able to get off that plane. As soon as I was away from anyone’s eyes I sprinted out of there. I needed to get away from the smell of human blood. It was becoming to much to bare. I wouldn’t give into the monster that craved their blood. I needed to be somewhere, where there wouldn’t be any people.

I decided the woods was probably the safest place. There might be some hikers or something, but I would be able to resist them. I didn’t want to steal a car, running was fine with me.

I wasn’t sure where I was going. I wasn’t sure if I even had a place I should go. I knew Jacob would be waiting for me, but I couldn’t see him right away. I wasn’t ready to face him or any of them. I needed time to prepare myself for heartbreak.

Subconsciously I knew where exactly I wanted to go. I wanted to go home, but I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. But before I could make a decision where to go I was already at my house. I instantly caught the smell of Charlie, how I missed him, how I would miss him. But then I also caught the smell of someone else. I wasn’t sure who it was. It was a vampire, and that scared me at first, but she was no threat to Charlie.

I peeked through some bushes and saw a small spiky haired girl sitting in the drivers seat of that familiar black Mercedes.

What was she doing here?

Her scent reminded me of Edward, and I hated that. I knew they weren’t coming back, but then why was she here?

Alice, my best friend. I missed her so much, but was furious with them for leaving. My hands formed into fist. It was their fault I was kidnapped and changed. If they had been here, they would have been able to protect me.

She realized my presence, so I had to go meet her. I walked out from the confines of the forest and walked straight to her car. I was so nervous. I tried to make my face look as angry as I could, but all I really wanted to do was tell her I was so happy to see her. Her face was filled with shock as she looked me over, realizing the drastic changes I had been through. If she only knew all of it.

Alice got out of her car and stood there. She looked like she was trying to choose what to do first. I stopped directly in front of her, my hands crossed over my chest. Neither of us said anything. I didn’t know what to say, but couldn’t wait here all night trying to figure it out. So I decided to say the first thing that came to mind.

“Alice, what are you doing here?” It was a reasonable question.

“Bella. You look…so…different.” She was staring open mouthed at me.

“Yeah well a lots happened since you all left.” I said coldly, hoping she could taste my anger.

“Oh…”

“Alice, what are you doing here? Are you here alone?”

I wanted so badly for her to be alone, but I couldn’t help hoping that she had brought someone in particular. I glanced over her shoulder and into her car, there was no one else. She sensed the underlining of my question.

“No, I’m here alone.”

“Ok. Why?”

“Well I had a vision about you being bit. I came to see if you were ok, but it’s obvious that I’m too late.” Her voice was pained by my appearance. It was completely obvious that she was way to late.

“Obviously.” I said heartlessly. “You‘ve been gone for almost a year and than you show up to see if I’m ok. Why do you care anyway? You’re the ones that left me here to fend for myself in the first place.”

She flinched back at the resentment I held for them all. I knew that my words had stung her deeply.

“Bella…” she stepped forward, but I moved away from her. She realized just how much anger I held for them, so she stopped and stayed where she was. “We never thought that anything like this would happen.”

“Yeah, well you all thought wrong. My entire life is over, and it’s all your fault. So thank you.” I was wrong. Victoria came after me because I was foolish and loved a vampire. It was my fault.

All the anger and grief that I had shoved away, came spewing out like toxic waste. Alice’s eyes burned from the accusations I spit back at her.

“Bella, please, I’m so sorry. If I had known that this was going to happen I would have never let Edward leave you.”

“Oh please. You couldn’t have stopped him from leaving me. He left because he didn’t want me anymore. There was nothing you could have done to change that.”

I was so shocked by my own words. I loved Alice almost as much as I loved Edward. I hated yelling at her, putting all this anger on her, but they left me. I was no longer sweet fragile Bella, that they once knew. I was a vampire, that was changed for spite. I was alone in this world, and couldn’t afford to be sweet.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Alice please just leave.” I begged her. I knew that she wasn’t staying, the sooner she left the easier it would be. It was already bad enough that she was here now, it would only hurt that much when she was gone.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I told Charlie I would be here for a few days. He’s really broken up about you going missing. I told him if he needed anything to let me know. What if he needs me but I’m gone.”

I hated hearing that she could comfort my father, but I couldn’t. That I was dead to him, but she could visit whenever she felt like it. They were the reason he woke to my cries every night. They were the reason he was so worried about me for so long.

“Whatever.” I didn’t know what else to say to her. I wanted someone to be here for Charlie, and if she could do that for him then I was glad that she would stay. “Do what you want, just stay away from me.”

I almost threw up when I said that. It was the biggest lie I had ever told in my life. I wanted her to stay with me, to help me go through all these changes. But I knew I couldn’t trust her, but how desperately I wanted to.

“Fine, Bella.” She was so hurt by my rage. “If you need me, I’ll be staying at our house.”

“I’ve been ok so far without your help.”

Without another word she got into her car and drove away. I hated myself for being that monster to her. I wanted so badly to just hug her at tell her how badly I missed her. I wanted to give into my weakness, but just couldn’t let down the walls that I had worked so hard to build up.

As soon as she was out of sight, I felt my shoulders hunch over in disappointment. That would probably be the last time I would ever see her again, and that’s how I left things. I would regret this later.

I pushed all of these things aside. It was nothing compared to the things that were coming up. I still had to go see Jacob, but first needed to see Charlie. I wouldn’t be able to speak to him, and he wouldn’t be able to see me, but I would be able to take one last look at my father.

Charlie’s blood wasn’t a problem. My attachment to him went deeper than merely food. He was my father, and I had told myself that so many times that it didn’t matter that his blood was quite intoxicating. Resisting him would be no problem.

I walked up to the house and listened for him. He was dragging his feet upstairs. The house smelt weird, like it hadn’t been cleaned in days. I smelt the scent of old food that had long been stale. Now, being a vampire, the smell of food disgusted me to no extent, but the smell stale food was worse.

I walked up to the front door that I had traveled in and out of for almost three years. A lot has changed since the first day I was here. I opened it, knowing that Charlie would never hear my delicate footsteps on the ground. My movements were to quiet for his human ears. All the lights were off, it was completely dark, but I didn’t need any lights to see where I was going.

I could tell even with the light off that it was a mess. There was trash all over the ground.

Poor Charlie.

I swiftly made my way upstairs. I went to my room first. Charlie was now only just getting into his bed. I would go see him when he was in a deeper sleep. I opened my door and walked into the room. It smelt weird, like no one had lived here in years. I knew it only had been about a week, but dust was already being collected amongst the scattered things.

The memories that this place held were almost to much for my sanity to withstand. I knew that one day I would forget the things in this place, but for now it held to much substance. I didn’t touch anything, for fear that someone would notice. I would let all these things go.

I sat down on the wooden floors and stared at the blue walls. I would miss the comfort of these walls. I looked at the mirror that was in front of me. Alice had bought me this mirror, along with some new clothes, so long ago.

She said that, “Every girl should have a full length mirror, or else how were you suppose to see if your outfit looked good.” Now I wished I could smash this stupid mirror into a million pieces.

I hated the image that it reflected back at me. Yes, that girl was pretty, but she was sad. Her eyes held what her beauty did not, and that’s truth.

Then suddenly my hair started changing into that all too familiar bronzed color. Suddenly my long brown hair was cropped into that beautiful short perfect disarray hair. My hands were suddenly turning into his hard pale fingers.
I started to panic, as I realized what was happening. I was changing into him, and I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t see his face again, but I didn’t know how to stop it from happening.

Quickly my arms were no longer mine, but his. My legs no longer belonged to me, but again were his. I no longer hand breast, but a sculpted chest. The only thing left was my face. I closed my eyes, and let my fingers run across my face. I felt my eyebrows first…not mine. My eyes were his, my nose, and then my lips. My lips were gone, and now belonged to him. I knew these lips to well to know that they were his.

I opened my eyes cautiously preparing myself for the sight that I was about to take in. There in the mirror sat Edward. I felt like myself, but the mirror told a different story. I gasped out loud as I fully took in all his magnificent beauty that I had longed for, for almost a year. And now there it was, staring back at me teasingly, because even though it looked like him, it wasn’t, it was me.

His scent finally hit me full force. It was so strong, I was sure that it was him standing next to me, instead of my powers playing games on me.

I hated myself for having this wretched power. It has done no good, but instead has only caused more pain, showing only people that have hurt me.

Even though I would never have a heart back, the hole that was left in it’s place still ached for Edward. Seeing him in the mirror only made it that much harder to exist. I wanted now more than ever to watch that mirror shatter into a million little pieces.

“Bella.” I foolishly let myself slip.

Even though I had just said my own name, it was like it was him whispering it into my ear. I must love torture cause I keep killing myself.

The voice that spoke was in every way his. The smooth, velvet, enchanting way he spoke my name, that always made me weak at the knees.

It had been so long since I had heard his voice or seen his face. Now with it before me I realized how pitiful my renditions of him had been. My dreams never did him any justice. He was too gorgeous for my simple mind to dream up properly.

I stupidly wrapped my arms around my shoulders, as if to embrace myself the way Edward would. But even though my outward appearance looked like him, I could not full my misguided heart. This hug did not belong to him, rather to someone that was now just as dead as her cold empty veins. This embrace was just a reminder of what no longer existed.

I couldn’t believe how pitiful I was even as a vampire. My physical strength could probably out do any man or monster, yet inside I was falling apart. My weakness was obvious and maybe worse than any physical pain. Even as a vampire I couldn’t find a peace. Not that I thought I would, but I hoped.

How had my simple existence become so complicated and tragic.

I brought my legs up to my chest, and stared at Edward in the mirror, for too long.

Charlie’s snores from his room woke me from myself. I suddenly was changing back into boring old me. I was thankful, yet sad. I hated seeing him, but like always didn’t want him to leave me.

I’m such a fool, it wasn’t even really Edward, yet I’m addicted. Strange. I’m addicted to myself…that can’t be right.

Charlie was now in a deep enough sleep to go see him. I got up from the ground and took one last look at the room that I would never see again. I let out a heavy sigh.

This was so much harder than I thought it would be.

I left and went to Charlie’s room. I walked silently through the door. It was a total mess in here. Clothes every where, trash, pizza boxes.

Why does he have so many of damn pizza boxes? He’ll kill himself if he doesn’t eat something else.

I walked to the side of his bed. He was snoring very loudly, deep in an unbreakable slumber. He wasn’t much of heavy sleeper, but tonight it seemed as if I could jump on his bed and he wouldn’t wake.

His face was pained in his sleep. Not the way it should be when you go to rest. He should look peaceful, thankful that he’s able to leave all the worries behind while he sleeps. But it seemed as though his nightmares during the day followed him into his unconsciousness.

It looked like he hadn’t shaven in…well, since the last time I saw him. He also looked and smelt like he desperately needed a shower. That made me almost collapse with guilt.

This is all my fault.

But there was nothing I could do. Charlie would have to heal on his own time. There was nothing I could do to comfort him, to him I was dead. I wanted so badly to ease his aching heart. How can I just walk away from him, and let his heart think I’m dead, when I’m standing right beside him. I needed some way of letting him know that I was ok.

I couldn’t believe that this was once what I wanted. I was such a foolish girl. Now I fully understood all of Edwards apprehensions over changing me. Why he was against it. Now I understood that it was for this very reason.

I stood beside him and lightly took his lifeless hand in mine. It was too quiet of a touch for him to notice. I bent my head down next to his ears.

“I’m okay Dad. Please don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Please don‘t be sad, I‘m safe. ” I whispered so softly I would never be sure if he heard me.

It didn’t stir him, he never even moved. He simply continued snoring. I stood up and headed for the door.

This was the best I could give him. I hoped that some how his subconscious would latch onto those words and believe them. I prayed that he would move on and let his heart be whole. I wished that he would be able forgive me and let me go.