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Cruel Computer

Summary:
THIRD ONE IN SERIES. Only SiLlYnEsS. Emmett is being blackmailed but none other than a computer! One thing leads to another and he finds himself running for his life. Literally! Can he escape being mauled or will even more chaos ensue?


Notes:
If I get 5 stars for this story, I'll consider myself to be a 5-star author. Haha. This has a little more slapstick comedy than my previous ones. Pardon me if my characters act out of the ordinary at times. On that note, enjoy!


1. Sticks and stones

Rating 5/5   Word Count 975   Review this Chapter

Sticks and Stones

WHOOSH! WHEE! AAAH! CRASH!

Aha… he’s dead. Again, again!

He’s got it; he’s up in the air and SPLAT! He’s dead.

Ah, the pleasure of Line Rider. Killing without the violence. I am NOT addicted. Pssh… of course not.

I started again. Ah, ah! He’s going faster! But wait, WHERE’S the rest of the track? Muahaha… And he dies. Cool, this guy has crashed 499 times already. Oh yeah. Get ready for the final 500th.

And he’s going around the loop. He sees the end. But—

What?

The application just closed. No! Gosh darn. Alright. Ok. Calm down. I have to start over. Ok. Calm is good. Not calm and Carlisle is bad. I DO NOT NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT. Wait… calm. Just relax. It’s not like I’m going to die soon anyways.

2 hours later…

Yes! Finally. After a long delay, I am back to 499. Only one more. ONLY one more!

I started drawing the course. Then, the application closed yet AGAIN. What the hell is going on?

NO! NO! NO! Son of a pup! I pounded my fists on the table. The computer bounced up and down each time.

I took a random item off the table and threw it.

CRACK!

I looked down. Oh no, oh god! Rosalie’s going to burn me! Where’s the rest of her porcelain teddy bear? It won’t matter if there’s a missing part right? I mean, she won’t notice that it’s got a black hole for an ass, right?

Ok, maybe it’ll be wise if I wait until tomorrow to start over.

I’ll begin on my poem for creative writing instead.

Ok, breathe, Emmett, breathe. Argh, this frustration has got me talking to myself.

I started typing.

My Beautiful Jeep by Emmett Cullen

Nothing can amount to the beauty of my jeep
Not even a strawberry scented bubble bath.
It will make a shepherd abandon his sheep.
It’s the reason why I don’t do my math.

They all say it’s ugly—
That’s why they have a wedgie.
I stand back and look on smugly.
It is the jeep the makes them edgy.

If a shooting star came,
I would wish
Just one wish that I could get—

All of a sudden, words started appearing. And I wasn’t the one typing them.

—a kilt.For I would like to be Irish.

I want air between my legs—I want a kilt.

What? Where is this coming from?

I lifted the keyboard. Nope, nothing there. I looked behind the computer. Nope, nothing.

Then, pictures started popping everywhere. No! If anyone walks in, I’ll be doomed to an eternal life (as if I haven’t already) of shame and embarrassment.

There was a picture of me singing in my Jigglypuff costume. There was this other one of my flexing with my inflatable arms (yes, they actually do sell those). But there was my most embarrassing picture—it was of me trying to catch this wild vampire goose. I was really hungry, okay? I bit it, but it escaped before I could finish.

Maybe I should restart the computer.

As if it had read my mind, it turned off. Freaky.

Turn on. It did. It even typed in the password for me. I LOVE BITCHY ROSALIE. Hey, that’s pretty tight.

Go to Line Rider. It did as it was told.

Then, a word document popped up. I did NOT tell it do that.

It read:

OK. PUP BRAIN. LISTEN UP. FROM NOW ON, YOU’LL ONLY BE ANSWERING TO ME. GOT THAT?

I typed:

WHAT? HELL NO. AND WHO ARE YOU?

Computer:

I’M THE PC PIXIE. FINE. HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

From outside, I heard Rosalie scream.

“Emmett! THIS is your password?!!”

I flinched.

OK, FINE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

It answered back promptly:

THE KEYS TO YOUR JEEP.

NO WAY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU NEED A JEEP FOR ANYWAYS?

I NEED IT TO MAKE YOU MISERABLE. OH…. I SEE. IT’S UNDERNEATH YOUR GOOSE DARTBOARD.

I panicked. I ran out into the hallway and lifted the dartboard. It was gone!

TSK, TSK, TSK. TOO LATE. NOW DO AS I SAY. LET’S JUST SAY THAT IF YOU DON’T OBEY, YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF IN VICTORIA’S SPOT.

I gulped.

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME.

Now I know that’s a load of BS, but hey, this was cyber bullying.

OH, REALLY?

“Emmett,” Jasper yelled. “You think I look like who? Ellen DeGeneres looks nothing like me. And I do NOT sound like a rubber ducky that’s drowning.”

YOUR FUNERAL.

“I’m NOT ugly,” Edward yelled next. “Just because that goose tried to kiss me and not you does not mean only birds are attracted to me.”

Hello? Bella Swan. God, Edward can be so slow sometimes.

OOH. EDWARD SOUNDS JEALOUS AND INCREDIBLY ANGRY. AND APPARENTLY JASPER’S HAPPY SIDE WON’T BE ACTIVE TODAY.

YOU KNOW, FOR A PC, YOU ARE ONE VERY CONDESCENDING AND MANIPULATIVE MACHINE.

ALL IN A DAY’S WORK.

WHAT’S YOUR MOTIVE?

LIKE I SAID, TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL. REVENGE FOR ALL YOUR BAD DEEDS. I SURVIVE ONLY ON YOUR PAIN.

SADISTIC, MUCH?

JUST THINK OF IT AS FRIENDSHIP. A PARASITIC FRIENDSHIP. NOW DO AS I SAY. GO OUTSIDE AND DOUSE YOURSELF WITH THE HOSE!

What choice did I have? I was being outsmarted by a damn PC.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey. I turned the knob and sprayed my whole body.

What the? This isn’t water!

Oh god! It’s sticky and BROWN! I breathed, expecting it to smell like manure. But what I smelled was… CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM!

It tasted horrible!

I growled, stomping back inside to the computer.

THERE. YOU HAPPY? I’M COVERED IN BROWN GOO.

ACTUALLY, THERE’S A FEW MORE ITEMS ON THIS LIST.

LIST?!!

YUP. YOU’VE ONLY DONE ITEM NUMBER ONE. I WAS HOPING TO REACH AT LEAST THIRTY.

I groaned. Nothing could be worse than chocolate ice-cream. Boy, was I wrong.