THIRD ONE IN SERIES. Only SiLlYnEsS. Emmett is being blackmailed but none other than a computer! One thing leads to another and he finds himself running for his life. Literally! Can he escape being mauled or will even more chaos ensue?
If I get 5 stars for this story, I'll consider myself to be a 5-star author. Haha. This has a little more slapstick comedy than my previous ones. Pardon me if my characters act out of the ordinary at times. On that note, enjoy!
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Tree number 65. Tree number 66. This was itchy. I was dressed in a squirrel suit, jumping from tree to tree. And it was furry too! Ugh… stupid computer. Stupid machine. Stupid keyboard. Stupid word document.
Tree number 67. Tree number 68. Almost done. Only 1,932 trees left. I looked down. My squirrel tail whacked me in the face.
I needed to scratch my nose. The claws were too big for me—I tried scratching with my foot. I looked like—like a DOG! The tail whacked me again. Stupid computer.
Fine. I brought my face close to the tree and scratched my nose using the loose wood. Ah… that felt better. A nut fell on me.
I looked up. Another one fell right in between my eyes.
Suddenly, it started raining nuts.
“Cha cha cha!”
Oh god. Not this again. I was being attacked by squirrels. One of them pointed at me.
“Cha cha, cha cha cha!”
I jumped onto another branch. I was still showered with nuts. No matter what tree I got on, the squirrels still attacked.
BONK! BONK! BONK!
For a vampire with fast reflexes, I was pretty slow.
I ran back towards the house with a stampede of squirrels following me. It looked like a wave of mutated brown cotton balls. Oh how I hate the color brown today. Alice opened the door and I ran in time, closing the door quickly behind me.
Bump bump bump bump!
They had all slammed into the door. Oh sweet, sweet barrier. I started walking but was yanked back forcibly towards the door like a magnet.
I turned around. I sighed. Of course this would happen because bad things just end up happening to ME! ME of all people.
My tail was stuck in the door. Great. Either I stand here and wait for the squirrels to disperse or I open the door and risk my existence.
I looked to Alice for help but she just merely shrugged and then walked away.
What was I going to do?
Hey, I have an elephanty.
“It’s epiphany!” Edward yelled from upstairs.
Ok, fine. I have an eliphany. Smartass.
Why am I scared of squirrels? I wrestle BEARS. I’m pretty sure I can handle ax-holding, karate-chopping squirrels. And a computer too? That’s even worse. I’m letting a headless, extremity-missing metal scarp blackmail me. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to fight.
“Alice, get me the duct tape.”
“Edward, hand me your Yoda lightsaber.”
“Jasper, go get the bubblewrap and the packaging peanuts.”
“Rosalie, get me the leaf blower.”
Ten minutes later and I was all suited up.
Bubblewrap and Styrofoam completely covered my body from head to toe. I popped one. Hehe.
“Stop it! You’re going to ruin your padding!” Alice reprimanded.
In my hands was the lightsaber. On my back was the leafblower. I was ready.
“Let’s do this.”
Edward gripped the doorknob. “Okay, Emmett, on a count of three. One, two, three.”
He opened the door and then quickly shut it behind me.
I rushed forward, knocking ten out of the way with my Yoda skills.
“Ah, wise you are but strong you are not!”
I sent another ten flying. Hey look, flying squirrels!
One of them bit my hand. I slightly released my hold but that was enough for fifteen of them to retrieve my green saber.
“Fear not, citizens of Forks, I ALWAYS have a backup plan.”
I turned on the leafblower and pointed it in every direction. Hey look, flying squirrels with FRIZZ! Muahaha.
“We have a maniac for a brother.” I heard Edward say.
Within a few minutes, however, the engine started sputtering.
A bunch of squirrels must’ve realized that because they stopped and pointed at me.
“Cha cha cha cha cha.”
All of a sudden, they JUMPED on me. My screams were muffled by their stinky brown fur.
“Should we help him?” Jasper asked Alice.
But before she could answer, everyone replied, “Nah.”
Nice to know I have such a caring family.
I guess I’ll have to resort to plan Alpha Beta—Airbag.
See, Edward’s never used his airbag and chances are, he never will. So why let it go to waste?
I pounded on my chest. Nothing. I pounded again. Nothing.
I yelled one last time and took a running start before jumping on my stomach. I squished a couple of them within a second. Then, POOF! The hidden airbag on my chest expanded, throwing me up into the air and the other squirrels too.
“Cha cha!” They retreated.
Haha. Run you stupid squirrels. Run!
Now if only I could stop myself from bouncing.
The airbag must’ve been resilient or something because I felt like I was on a never-ending trampoline.
Up and down, up and down.
“He looks like a giant messed-up basketball.” Rosalie declared.
“No, more like a brown snowman with a tail.” Jasper said.
“Actually, he just looks like a steroid-injected, overgrown, retarded squirrel.” Edward stated. The others nodded in response.
They stood there, paralyzed by my temporary handicap. Lucky for me, airbags don’t last long. Apparently, if you bounce on it long enough, it starts deflating. But in this case, “long enough” means a couple hours.
Ok, I’m not being fair. Rosalie did try to help me. She experimented by seeing if the padding really worked A.K.A. she kicked me. A LOT.
When I was finally returned to my feet, I went back up. There was a message waiting for me on the computer.
YOU DIDN’T COMPLETE YOUR TASK, BUT THE SQUIRREL INCIDENT COMPENSATES FOR YOUR INCOMPETENCE.
WELL, I’M GLAD YOU HAD YOUR FUN. BECAUSE YOU WON’T BE GETTING ANYMORE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON’T YOU DARE. EMMETT…
I opened the window and chucked it out. It landed on a nearby tree before crashing to the ground. I hope it crushed some squirrels.
I laughed. Finally, I’m a free man again.
“Emmett!” Rosalie called.