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Through Edward's Eyes

Summary:
What was Edward feeling? Thinking? Seeing? When he was in Italy intending to take his own life? Through Edwards eyes. His thoughts and actions on the day of his attempted suicide.


Notes:
Disclaimer: I don’t own twilight, (please dont sue me)


2. Hope

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1533   Review this Chapter

I glared at the sky determining when the sun would offer me its fullest and brightest advantage.

At noon.

I grimaced, it was barely ten. Could I wait that long…? I pulled my eyebrows together. I didn’t want to risk a mistake.

Everything around me was blurred; images distorted in a grainy vision, barely moving as the sun slowly filled the sky.

I didn’t care about anything, except my goal that tainted my tongue, so close that I could taste it. I couldn’t form a functional thought, my head focused only on my end, not deeming to take in the surroundings or heed attention to the random insufferable thoughts dancing in the wind.

The only thing that existed was my last hope and the corpse that lay back in Forks.

I cringed drudging up the thoughts screaming and pulling at me. All the worst moments of my life played at me, repeating and skipping, spinning out of proportion to torture me with the pain it caused. Starting off with the last time I saw her, the day that I left her broken and crying on the forest ground. Tears pooling in her eyes as she tried to reach for me. How I was able to leave still remains a mystery to me. I started to shake, clutching at my head to keep it together, to keep myself from drawing out the inevitable anguish, whirling and ripping, tearing and eating my insides.

I could never be soothed; the pain shot up my throat and conquered my being, forever classifying me as weak and pathetic. Without her, I would always be lifeless, desolate, useless, a disgrace. And she was dead.

I would never see her again. I could never day-dream about our reunion, or her human life, perfect without my presence— that world I could exist in. But not this, anything but this, I felt sick still breathing in and out, tainting the air, when she no longer existed. Nothing in this world could ever compare to the agony that burned and loomed in my eternal hell.

I was hidden in the cloak of darkness a small alley offered me. Opening into the mouth of the alley cut the entrance to the main plaza. I had to get the biggest audience possible to create the most shocking impact. There needed to be many witnesses.

A large clock tower dominated the squares attention and conveniently the center of the square barely loomed before me, hardly ten strides away. Enough to place me in everyone’s line of vision, making a large reaction before I’d be taken down. I smiled allowing the fantasy to play on my closed eyelids.

The sun beat heavily down on the square and a huge crowd already formed, as if in anticipation of my unknown revealing. People chattered and laughed, clothed in frumpy sweaters from the wind that ripped through the square. Necks were sheaved in red scarves, and the trend of the festival had a vampire theme.

Thoughts and prattle echoed at me, passing unnoticeably through my head. They were all meaningless. The guard was biding their time, still keeping a careful eye on me in case I tried anything, but they weren’t worried. My feet twitched, it was closing in on 11:30. Did I really have to wait?

No.

The sun was harsh and the crowd was large, I could step out and end my tortured ecstasy right this minute. But something pulled at my head, barely elusive but growing strong, the tiniest gut reaction telling me to wait.

I backed farther in the shadows biding my time.

My head kept spinning trying to break through the fog that blocked the pain. Seeking and looking, running to find her in my corrupted mind. But all that appeared was the faint unreal memory of her smell. The dreamlike image of her smile, twisted in the slightest shock of edging, threatening pain. Her smell would twist and alter, fading as if a dying flower trying to hold on to its pedals.

I forced the thoughts from my mind, clenching my jaw.

Nothing could ever justify my decision to leave her; I’d never be able to pay back my debt. I left her. I killed her. The guilt and pain mounted. I couldn’t bare it. I felt my legs carry me just to the edge of the arc. The curtain of light shimmered temptingly in front of me. I stretched a hand testing the invisible barrier that contained me, touching past the forbidden line that enabled me to pass. My hand wavered as my mind pulled me out of my delusion, inevitably causing my legs to flow backwards, back into the shadows. I could wait a little longer, just until noon. I reminded myself.

I dropped my head in my hands, waiting. The tiniest hope pulled at my subconscious guiding me and allowing me to live out this agony in silent torment. I prayed for the smallest measurement of pity. That before living out my eternal servitude as the demon I truly was, swimming in the darkest fires of hell where I belonged, that my hope may prevail. That god would show me his notorious mercy and open the gates to heaven the tiniest crack and allow me to peek in. Permitting me one last glimpse of Bella.

The world stopped. Everything around me stood in motionless tranquility and the only thing that echoed in the air was a far away click of a clock.

And then the world began again, everything hitting me in a rush.

The clock struck. I smiled basking as the sound waves hit me. I loosely tugged at my shirt and pulled it over my head dropping it to the ground.

I closed my eyes as the chime of the clock shook the earth. Everything around me disappeared. I was sucked into eternal nothingness, the blackness around me was dreamily comforting and it was as if everything was set right.

My brain finally focused, bringing Bella’s face to me. Her large eyes sparkled and her cheeks were burning in a fresh dose of blood. Her smell was strong and intense and the feeling of her warmth wafted around me as the sun sparkled and played on my skin. The constant pain that held me captivated slowly guided me into unthinkable comfort. There was something beyond comprehension as I allowed the hope and selfish guilt rock me. The tiniest hope burnt inside me, inflaming my senses. I was going to see her again. I could feel it in every burning cell of my body as the clock stroke again. I felt my feet involuntarily take the first step towards the mouth of the alley.

“I love you Bella,” I whispered pressing her closer so that her lips brushed mine. “I love you more,” she said, against my lips. Before I had a chance to correct her she opened her mouth on mine and kissed me. Her fingers crawled up my arms and dove into my hair. She tightened her fists securing me to her, and I reciprocated. Opening my mouth with her insistent lips and allowing her to finally taste me. No boundaries existed anymore. Nothing existed anymore. Nothing but the second step that brought me further to my goal.

I slipped my hands from her waist up to her face and held her. Running my fingers over her burning skin and memorizing her face, for the last time. My fingertips tingled with the feel of her, even though she was as close as possible I held her tighter, trying to meld us into one so we could never be separated.

Something in the distance pulled at my head barely audibly but enough to pull at my thoughts. A signal, slowly hedging my feet to move another step.

I mindlessly identified it as the clock striking again, but something smaller, almost inaudible but still loud and persistent rang with the clock.

It was Bella; I could recognize her voice anywhere. I felt my lips turn up as I followed her perfect lost voice, slowly being drowned out from another ring that flared out around the square. I knew it was just my subconscious but it was enough to cause my feet to move and take the first final steps that would put me in the direct center of the sun, revealing me and our kind to the world.

Bella’s voice died but the memory of her whisper still seared in my head her high and flowing scream shouting my name.

I squeezed my eyes shut and relaxed my muscles. I blocked out the thoughts still hanging desolate in the air, focusing on Bella. Her smile, her touch, her voice, her scent, her eyes. Everything that I was holding on to, kept in the back of my head, trying to hold off before it would slip, breaking past me and blaring through me, rupturing in a fire of bliss and pain, causing me to shake and wither. My life slipped in a last exhale. Her eyes seared behind mine, pain held in the dark chocolate depths. She screamed, pleaded, and begged me desperately to run and leave the light that started creeping up, warming my exposed chest. Where would I run Bella? I asked desperately. Not into the empty eternity of this world, without you? Impossible.

The warm sun kissed my face…