Text Size Large SizeMedium SizeSmall Size    Color Scheme Black SchemeWhite SchemeGrey SchemePaper Scheme        

No Pruney Fingers Here

The Cullens and Bella decide to spend a day at the Forks Public Pool. Huzzah! Warning:THIS IS A CRACKFIC! If you don't like crackfics, don't read it. Post-Twilight, Pre-New Moon

My first fanfic... Rated Teen for some mild language and maybe some other stuff later = )

1. Chapter 1: Emmett

Rating 4/5   Word Count 814   Review this Chapter

Emmett pulled on his swim trunks and walked over to Rosalie’s full length mirror. He flexed and posed as he studied his reflection.

“Hey, handsome,” he smirked as he wiggled his eyebrows at his reflection. “May I say that you are looking particularly hot today?” Emmett giggled.

He walked over to his armchair to pick up his water wings. It was hard to find some at the Wal-Mart that were big enough to fit over his biceps. Eventually Carlisle had had to cut them apart and tape them back together with duct tape. Emmett didn’t truly understand the entire ‘pay attention to something for more than a few minutes’ thing. He put them on and walked back to the mirror. He frowned. The orange and gray stripes totally clashed with his skin tones. They also noticeably detracted from his manliness. Drat.

You would think that sometime in his infinitely long existence, that Emmett would have learned how to swim, but he hadn’t yet. He was terrified of water. It was so…wet.

It’s ok, he reminded himself. Calm down. Hee-hoo, hee-hoo. That’s it, breathe. It’s ok. Rosalie will be there. If anything scary happens, she’ll save you. There are no sea monsters in public pools. This is not Loch Ness. There may be poopy babies, but there are no krakens. It’s ok. You’re immortal. You can’t drown. You are Emmett Cullen. You have the ability to pwn all with your vampire skills. It’s ok.

Emmett calmed down. He walked over to his and Rosalie’s bed and dropped to the floor. Oh crap. He dented the floorboards. Emmett dropped his dirty clothes over the splintered wood. Maybe Rosalie wouldn’t notice if he never moved them.

Emmett lay back down on the floor, more gently this time. He reached underneath the bed. Eureka! He grabbed his floatie and stood up.

It was flat, he decided as he inspected it thoroughly. He hadn’t used it in awhile. He lifted his lips to the clear little plastic blowhole thingy and blew. And blew again. He remembered the story of The Three Little Pigs and The Big Bad Wolf. He pretended to be the wolf.

Damn it. He just popped his floatie. He was on the verge of tears; or would have been, if he had been able to cry.

Shucky darn, he thought. Now what? Emmett was struck by an idea of sheer brilliance. “Duct tape!” he yodeled.

“Emmett!” yelled Rosalie from the bathroom where she was changing. “I told you to stop yodeling. We are not the Von Trapp family!”

Emmett frowned. The Sound of Music was his third favorite musical, right after Beauty and the Beast and High School Musical 2. Troy was his hero. Emmett started humming ‘Maria’ under his breath. He had forgotten that Rosalie was a vampire with super duper sensitive hearing.

“Emmett!” she howled. “Hum ‘Maria’ one more time and I’m sending you to a convent!”

Emmett grimaced. The wimples most definitely would not complement his facial structure. He stopped humming and went to look for the duct tape. He found it in the couch cushions, right where he left it. Carlisle had been wondering why the couch was so lumpy. No one knew that Emmett stashed all his contraband articles in the couch cushions. Once, Edward’s humongous butt had accidentally crushed Emmett’s favorite Precious Moments figurine. Or maybe it wasn’t an accident. It was always hard to tell with Edward.

Emmett walked back to his room and attempted to tape up his floatie. He didn’t have any scissors, so he just bit a piece of tape off. Oh crap. Venom flowed out his mouth and dripped onto the duct tape. Great. Now he was going to walk into a public swimming pool with a venomous duck floatie. He was a public menace. Or more than he had been, at least. He gave up trying to fix it. He would ask Carlisle for help later.

The words of ‘You Are the Music in Me’ were running through his head as he worked. He didn’t dare sing them out loud. He waltzed around the room with his partially mutilated floatie. He was just beginning to get to the good part when Edward yelled:

“Emmett, if you don’t stop singing that wretched song, I will personally come over and pop your water wings.”

Emmett gasped in horror and switched to ‘4 Minutes’ by Madonna, featuring Justin Timberlake. He popped, locked and dropped it for the next four minutes.

Why don’t you go bother Bella, you water wing-threatening desperado? he thought. Edward got out of Emmett’s head. Finally.

After Emmett finished dancing to ‘Kiss, Kiss’, he realized that Rosalie had been in the bathroom for almost an hour. How long did it take to change into a bathing suit, even if you were Rosalie? He knocked on the door. When Rosalie stepped out, his jaw dropped.