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No Pruney Fingers Here

Summary:
The Cullens and Bella decide to spend a day at the Forks Public Pool. Huzzah! Warning:THIS IS A CRACKFIC! If you don't like crackfics, don't read it. Post-Twilight, Pre-New Moon


Notes:
My first fanfic... Rated Teen for some mild language and maybe some other stuff later = )


2. Chapter 2: Alice

Rating 5/5   Word Count 888   Review this Chapter

I skipped into my closet and frowned. Sure, I had ten or twenty bathing suits (all of which ranged from bikinis to one pieces), but none of them seemed quite right for today. I looked at my Chanel watch. Not enough time to go out and buy another one before we were supposed to meet Bella at the pool. I closed my eyes and tried to stop frowning. I thought back over all the purchases I had made over the last ten years. Even with my perfect memory and high-speed brain, it would take at least five minutes. Wait. Wasn’t there one…yes, 2006, a dark purple bikini that I had bought while vacationing in the Caribbean with Jasper. Perfect! Now, where did I put it? I searched my closet several times, but I still could not find it.

I closed my eyes and focused on the swimsuit. I hoped for a vision. My eyes popped open involuntarily; I saw myself kneeling in front of the couch in the living room, pulling my swimsuit out of the left cushion. What the bloody fang was it doing there?

I raced downstairs and knelt in front of the couch, just like I had seen in my vision. I pulled out the left cushion and unzipped it. Maybe my swimsuit had been the reason why it was lumpy. Carlisle had been wondering.

As I pulled out my swimsuit, something else fell out with it. I picked it up for inspection. It was a pottery shard. That was beyond bizarre. Who stuffs couches with pottery? I replaced the cushion and threw the shard away.

My mission accomplished, I went back upstairs to change.

I heard someone humming “Maria” as I passed Emmett and Rosalie’s room. Emmett and his Broadway musicals. That boy had an obsession that was not healthy for him. I considered asking Carlisle to check his mental stability. It was definitely questionable. I heard Rosalie yell at him. I grinned at the idea of Emmett in a convent, surrounded by nuns. Of course, that would never happen. Rosalie’s bark was worse than her bite, metaphorically speaking. But then again, she was a vampire, so her bite was deadly enough.

I zoomed back to Jasper’s and my room. He was lying back on our bed, his eyes closed, and his arms behind his head. If I hadn’t known better, I would have said he was asleep. As soon as I walked in, I felt relaxed and vaguely romantic.

“Jasper,” I squealed, as if I hadn’t seen him in eons. “Hi!”

He sat up. I jumped into his lap and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. Then I kissed him on the nose very, very gently. I like contrast almost as much as I love shopping.

He kissed me back on my nose, and then on my right eyebrow. I smoothed it back into place. Untidy eyebrows were a special pet peeve of mine.

Jasper chuckled. Then he messed up his eyebrow hairs. I scowled sweetly and smoothed them back in place. Silly boy, trying to mess with me.

He growled good-naturedly and rolled me over so I was lying on my back underneath him.

“Whoa, Jasper,” I said. “Keep your pants on, please. We’re supposed to meet Bella at the pool in twenty minutes.”

“So what?” he replied, nuzzling my neck. “We’re vampires. We can go faster than most people, you know.”

“Wow, Jasper,” I said, rolling my eyes. “That was so romantic.” He looked disappointed and I felt bad. “Later, ok? I promise.” I kissed him and slid off the bed, grabbing the swimsuit I had dropped on the floor. I could feel Jasper watching me as I went into my closet to change.

I twirled a few times, just for fun. I put on my bathing suit. The dark purple only made me look paler. But pale looked good on me. Of course, I was a vampire, so pretty much everything looked good one me. Except for the ugly combination of bright orange and dull grey. That didn’t look good on anyone, freakishly beautiful vampires included. It certainly made me look like a misshapen traffic cone sitting in the middle of a construction site. I imagined Rosalie in an orange and gray outfit. It didn’t look good, even on her.

I heard some soft thumping noises coming from Jasper’s and my bedroom. What in the name of the Volturi was he doing in there? He sounded almost as clumsy as Bella!

I flew out of the closet. Jasper was standing calmly by the window wearing his swim trunks. I knew he was a little worried about being around the humans at the local pool. For some strange reason, humans always smelled more tempting when they were wet. I smiled in encouragement and held his hand as we walked downstairs to wait for everyone else. We heard a strange noise coming from Emmett and Rosalie’s room. Emmett was probably dancing and breaking things again. Even though vampires have great coordination and rhythm, Emmett was an awful dancer.

We had been waiting by the door for a few minutes when we heard a strange galumphing noise. It was Emmett, walking down the stairs at an almost human pace. He looked stupefied.

“Emmett?” Jasper and I asked in bemused unison.

He giggled.