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No Pruney Fingers Here

The Cullens and Bella decide to spend a day at the Forks Public Pool. Huzzah! Warning:THIS IS A CRACKFIC! If you don't like crackfics, don't read it. Post-Twilight, Pre-New Moon

My first fanfic... Rated Teen for some mild language and maybe some other stuff later = )

3. Chapter 3: Jasper

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 835   Review this Chapter

I sat on the lumpy living room couch in front of the television. It was hard to concentrate on the poker game I was watching when everyone else in the house was so emotional. Rosalie was nervous, Emmett was…conflicted. Alice was frustrated, Edward was tense (as per usual), Carlisle was drained, and Esme was happy. I wanted nothing more than to calm everyone down, but my vampire power only works one room at a time. Hey, that could be my motto:

Jasper Hale, changing attitudes one room at a time.

Yes, that certainly had an appealing ring to it. Much more attractive than Emmett’s slogan:

It’s a bear…it’s a moose…it’s Emmett!

I smirked, and then glanced at my watch. We were supposed to meet Bella at the pool in 45 minutes. That gave me plenty of time. I went into the ‘kitchen’ and sat down in the ‘breakfast nook.’ I pulled out paper and a pencil and commenced cogitating.

Now, as we all know, vampires are practically superheroes. And everyone knows that all superheroes have special sayings. Therefore, I figured all of us could use a motto.

I thought long and hard. Emmett and I already had catchphrases. Unfortunately, Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Alice, and Rosalie didn’t. I considered even giving Bella a motto. I figured she deserved it. Any human who could spend that much time alone with Edward and not blow their brains out was virtually a superhero. I chuckled to myself.


I decided to do Carlisle first. Carlisle, Carlisle… then it hit me like a ton of werewolves.

What can Blondie do for you?

Yes. That was very fitting. Now Edward.


Save the human, save the sanity of the entire vampiric world.

Ugh. I was glad I wasn’t in a relationship as complicated as Edward and Bella’s. It would drive me bananas. And I hate bananas. They're like, smooshy lumps of offensively potassiamic crap. Heinous.

Ok, Bella next. Hers was the easiest so far.

My boyfriend is a vampire. Yeah. That pretty much summed up Bella’s entire existence. Now Ali…wait, what was that noise? It sounded like the pitter patter of little feet, and I’m not talking babies here. Tiny little grimy rodent feet. I yelped. I hated rodents. Partially because they tasted disgusting, and partially because they had those creepy, cold yellow eyes. Kind of like a vampire, actually.

I ran upstairs looking for the creepy offender. I stopped in the hall and listened for it again. The noise was coming from Alice’s and my bedroom. I burst into the room.

“What the bloody fang is going on in here?”

I heard a squeak. I yelped. The nasty little varmit had my swim trunks in his mouth! Gross!

The scruffy rat skittered under the dresser. I growled menacingly and pounced. I swept my arm under it, feeling for the rat. I didn’t find it, but I managed to knock a leg off of the dresser. Drat.

I heard Alice’s steps coming up the stairs. I scrambled for the bed, trying to look as casual as possible. As soon as she walked in, I changed her mood. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice the dresser before I could fix it.

“Jasper!” she chirped. “Hi!”

I sat up and she threw herself at me, like she hadn’t seen me in years. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and kissed me gently on the nose. I kissed her nose back, and then her eyebrow. She smoothed it back in place. It was adorable how she was so obsessed with eyebrows. I messed up one of mine. She smoothed it back in place. Silly girl.

I growled happily and flipped her on her back.

“Whoa, Jasper,” she breathed. “Keep your pants on, please. We’re supposed to meet Bella at the pool in twenty minutes.”

“So what?” I replied, nuzzling her neck. “We’re vampires. We can go faster than most people, you know.”

“Wow, Jasper,” she said, rolling her eyes. “That was so romantic.” I must have looked disappointed, because her expression softened. “Later, ok?” she whispered. “I promise.”

She kissed me very, very, softly on the lips and slid off the bed to change. I watched her leave. She was so perfect. I was so lucky.

And then I heard my arch nemesis, the rat.

I growled and pounced. I missed him by a hair’s breadth. I pounced again. This time, I had him. I pried my pants out of his iron jaws. And then…well, no more creepy rat.

I had changed pants and was staring out the window when Alice came back in. She knew I was worried about being around a bunch of wet humans. But she had checked, and we both knew there was nothing to worry about. She smiled at me, then grabbed my hand and began to tow me down the hall.

We went downstairs and waited for everyone else to finish getting ready. Emmett came downstairs first, making a weirdly large amount of noise.

Then he giggled.