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No Pruney Fingers Here

The Cullens and Bella decide to spend a day at the Forks Public Pool. Huzzah! Warning:THIS IS A CRACKFIC! If you don't like crackfics, don't read it. Post-Twilight, Pre-New Moon

My first fanfic... Rated Teen for some mild language and maybe some other stuff later = )

6. Chapter 6: Edward

Rating 5/5   Word Count 844   Review this Chapter

A scrambled chorus of thoughts jangled through my head. I normally tried to block out my family’s thoughts, but today they were screaming them out at the top of their lungs. Or brains. Whatever. I used the new Britney Spears CD I had stolen from Rosalie to try and drown out everyone else’s thoughts. It didn’t work.

Where did I put it? Alice was thinking.

I look totally hot in my water wings- thank Dracula they fit now. Emmett, obviously.

Stupid emotional vampires! Jasper screamed to himself.

I can’t believe Emmett told me to go read…maybe I should get out more. Carlisle thought.

Maybe he has ADD. Should we get him tested? Esme was looking out for her children, as always.

I cannot believe how stupid I look, Rosalie thought.

Wait, what? Rosalie thinks she looks stupid? I was totally unconvinced that that would ever happen, till I saw Rosalie’s reflection in my head. I hadn’t seen anything that funny since Emmett’s head got stuck in the toilet when Jasper and I gave him a swirly in the girls’ bathroom.

Rosalie’s image was really funny for a minute. Then she made a face at her reflection. That was hilarious. I cracked up and fell on the floor. Unfortunately, the floor cracked up too. Damn it. Carlisle was sick of repairing the house. I kept laughing anyways.

In my head I heard her gasp, then saw her look away from the mirror.

Edward, she thought. Get out of my head. I’m going to kill you.

I was still rolling on the floor, gasping with laughter when Emmett started humming ‘Maria’. Sure, The Sound of Music is a classic, and Julie Andrews is great, blah, blah, blah, but I hate the music. I stopped laughing suddenly and turned Britney up louder. Now she had some serious talent.

I sang along and danced. Thank Dracula no one could read my thoughts. My family would never let me live this down if they knew.

“It’s Edward, beep!” I screamed as I jumped on my couch. “Wait, wow, that was completely out of character for me. What the bloody fang is going on?”

I turned off Britney and concentrated on my family’s thoughts. Oh. That made sense. Jasper’s rat-induced frenzy must have caused him to give off emotions haphazardly. How bizarre. He was usually so controlled.

I sat back down on the couch and sulked. I hadn’t see Bella for almost an hour, and I was getting my withdrawal symptoms- extreme crankiness, cramps, hair loss, temporary blindness, dizziness, upset stomach, bipolarity, strange cravings, and hairy purple spots.

No, wait. That’s pregnancy. Haha, woops. Vampires don’t actually get any of those symptoms. Except crabbiness. I was in a killer mood, and I wasn’t even pregnant. My crabbiness only escalated when Emmett began to sing that horrible song from High School Musical 2. Unfortunately, it was only in his head, so only he and I could hear it. I growled.

“Emmett, if you don’t stop singing that wretched song, I will personally come over and pop your water wings.”

I heard him gasp in horror, but then he switched to that awful new Madonna song, something about having to save the world in four minutes. As if. Alice could do that with way more than four minutes left. I thought Madonna was bad enough by herself in the eighties. It didn’t help that she was singing with that guy with a sexy back now.

Why don’t you go bother Bella, you water-wing threatening desperado? he thought after he finished singing.

I glanced at my watch and decided to do just that. I would be a little early to pick up Bella, but that would hardly matter to her.

I put on my swimsuit, grabbed my car keys, and zoomed downstairs. Alice and Jasper were staring at Emmett in shock. The sight of Emmett in his water wings would terrify most people, but he was also giggling like Alice in Saks. It was sort of a weird picture. A huge, pale man in water wings giggling like a little girl…definitely creepy.

I checked his mind to see what he was giggling about just as Alice had a vision.

“Holy Volturi!” she squealed as she chortled loudly.

I saw the vision as soon as she did, and was laughing so hard venom shot out my nose. Jasper just stood there, slightly disgusted and very confused.

“That was gross,” he informed me. “You have venom all over your face. And what in the name of sweet Transylvania is going on here?”

I just laughed and slapped him on the shoulder as I went to pick up Bella. Hopefully Alice would explain.

I noticed my reflection in the rearview mirror as I was leaving. My face was sort of shiny. Oh gross. I thought. I look like I got licked by a werewolf. I shuddered and wiped my face on my sleeve, transferring the venom to my shirt. That should be safe enough, I decided. As long as Bella doesn’t try to lick my face.