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No Pruney Fingers Here

The Cullens and Bella decide to spend a day at the Forks Public Pool. Huzzah! Warning:THIS IS A CRACKFIC! If you don't like crackfics, don't read it. Post-Twilight, Pre-New Moon

My first fanfic... Rated Teen for some mild language and maybe some other stuff later = )

7. Chapter 7: Esme

Rating 0/5   Word Count 871   Review this Chapter

I leaned back in my office chair and sighed. None of the websites I had visited had given me any insight as to why Emmett had such…eccentric tendencies, and I now had an extensive knowledge of practically every mental disorder known to man- and vampire -kind. Defeated, I decided to check my Myspace page before we went to the pool.

“Holy Volturi!” I shouted. “I have 78 new friend requests! I’m popular!”

I approved them all. Who cares if they were probably all middle-aged creeps? I love people. Plus, I’m an eighty-seven year old vampire who hunts animals instead of people on her own free will. Honestly, who should be afraid of whom in this situation?

I did my happy dance around the room, and then returned to the computer. The advertisement across the top of the page caught my eye. I read the caption out loud.

“Who is Miley Cyrus’s dad?” I read. “Ooh, ooh, I know this one! It’s George W. Bush! Duh! Wait, I get 47 free iPods if I answer?!? Heck yes!”

I clicked on my obviously correct answer. A pop up lit up the screen immediately.

“Congratulations!” it read with flashing red and green letters. “You have been selected to win 47 free iPods! Click here to enter your Social Security number, credit card number, home address, and phone numbers to claim your prize!”

I clicked and entered my personal information. After I hit ‘enter’, a huge, scary face popped up on the screen.

“Oh my Edward!” I shrieked. “It’s Al Gore!”

An evil chuckle escaped Al’s green and environmentally conscious lips.

“You’ve been virused!” he said in an ominous tone. “Your computer will now shut down until you have spent an insane amount of time and money trying to get it fixed. Have a great day!”

I stood still in horror. Al Gore had seemed like such a nice man on TV- why would he want to virus-ify my computer? If I hadn’t been such a loving person, I would have definitely hunted him down and plucked out his nose hairs one by one with a pair of white hot tweezers. Oh. Yeah. You don’t mess with Esme. Boo yah!

I suddenly realized the solemnity of my situation. I stared at my computer in despair. The screen had gone completely blank- dead. My loving heart went out to it. I gave it a big hug.

“It’s ok Schue. Don’t be sad. We’ll have you fixed in no time. Emmett may not look like much, especially if he’s wearing water wings, but he’s a whiz with computers.”

I gave Schue a loving tap on the keyboard. He didn’t respond. I began to viciously stab the ‘start’ button with my index finger. I remembered to be gentle just in time. Unfortunately, even my gentle prodding couldn’t coax my comatose computer to come to life. I sat at the desk, chin cupped in my hands.

“This stinks,” I said. “Now I can’t talk to my new friends on Myspace. I hope they don’t think I’m rude. They don’t know that Al Gore is out to get me. No way am I falling for any more of his environmental crap. Bring on the Hummer, baby! He and his global warming scam can go to Volterra!” I finished passionately. Supernova, my fang.

I dropped to the floor and considered my options. One, I could get a new, virus free computer. But that seemed disloyal to Schue. Two, I could get Emmett to help and hope he didn’t mess anything up. Three, I could call the local chapter of the Geek Squad and hope that they could fix Schue. Four, I could find Al Gore and hang him by his toenails until he fixed it. Yes, option four was definitely the way to go. I climbed to my feet and began to search for my shoes. They weren’t where I had left them.

That’s weird, I thought. Well, it was probably Al Gore. If he goes around terrorizing innocent little computers, then he certainly wouldn’t have any qualms about stealing a vampire’s favorite pair of Manolo Blahniks.

I had just given up my quest when Carlisle walked in.

“Esme,” he said, “I think I’m getting old.”

I chuckled. Carlisle always knew what to say to make me feel better. I told him all about Miley and George and Schue and Al Gore and his evil computer vendetta. Carlisle’s perfect brow furrowed.

“Esme, I doubt that Al Gore is out to get you or…Schue. It was probably just some hacker. Don’t worry about it; we’ll get your computer fixed soon. But from now on, I think it would be best if you didn’t click on anything offering free iPods. They’re all scams, OK?”

“Oh, sure,” I was just relieved that I wouldn’t have to go out and avenge Schue. That would probably be a bad idea. “I should go get ready now.”

As I was pulling on my swimsuit, I heard Rosalie softly call my name. “Esme? Can you come here for a minute?”

I climbed upstairs to see what she needed. I knocked on the door of her bathroom and opened it slowly.

“Oh my,” I whispered. “What is going on?”