Goes against EVERYTHING twilight world [aka, vampires having babies, fangs, etc.] Just playing around. So prepare for randomness and a lot of WTF-ing. Inspired by Silly_Bella’s "Thirsty", I know I can’t live up to it, but I’m bored xD
1. Chapter 1
Rating 4.5/5 Word Count 1433 Review this Chapter
Alice flew (like literally flew) into the room. WHOOSH. CRASH.
"Holy crap!" Edward screamed startled.
Alice laid upside down, her body twisted in many ways, a huge dent on the wall behind her.
"Stupid wall had to be there!" She shrieked.
"Two points Alice, you crashed!" Emmett boomed from the top of the stairs. "I win!" He exclaimed smugly.
Alice stuck out her tongue and jumped with a shriek. "OW!" She exclaimed jumping up and down, tears swelling in her eyes.
"What?" Rosalie asked irritated, she couldn’t seem to see herself in the mirror again, which annoyed her.
"I bit my tongue with my fangs." Alice said sticking out her tongue to examine the damage. "Ow."
"Oh cry me a river, will you?" Rosalie said throwing the mirror to the floor.
"I love that song!" Emmett said and began to sing Justin Timberlake’s "Cry me a River" (and not very good.)
"What’s happening?" Carlisle barged in to the living room startled.
Alice immediately began explaining her story that she and Emmett were playing "Flying Dodge" again and she crashed into a wall.
Carlisle looked puzzled, "no not that, it sounded like someone was dying in here. Are you all okay?" Carlisle said.
"I was singing!" Emmett said with a huff and flew up to his room, crashing into the railing on the way up.
Carlisle laughed and left back into his study.
"STUPID MIRRORS!" Rosalie exclaimed flinging, yet, another mirror on the floor.
"Alice my darling." Jasper said waltzing in the room.
"Yes, Jasper my dear?" She asked batting her eyelids.
"Look what I have." He said pulling out from his back what looked like a glass ball.
"Oh Jazzy, you got me a new one!" Alice yelped excited. "Good, my last one wasn’t working for me anymore. sigh", (yeah she actually said "sigh") "Time to try it out!" She placed it on the table and began whirling her hands around like an idiot over it.
Edward gazed in mock amazement.
"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout." She said using the code to unveil what was hidden in the glass ball. "Oh look my favorite store is having a sale tomorrow, and..er...Jasper don’t get up."
"Why?" Jasper said getting up. *RIP* "What was that?"
"Your pants and underwear. Nice boxers by the way." Edward said rolling on the ground with laughter.
Jasper blushed and sat back down.
"Dontsitdown!" Alice yelled but it was too late, Jasper’s butt was on the floor.
A second later Jasper flew up to the ceiling.
"OW!" He yelled and took out from his butt something that looked like a tack. "WHO LEFT THAT THERE?!" He yelled from the ceiling, rubbing his buttox with great care.
"Oh that’s where I left that. I was looking for it!" Edward said flying up there and retrieving his tack from a raging Jasper. "You have wiped right?" Edward said eyeing the tack and Jasper’s butt.
"Yes." Jasper exhaled.
"Let’s see what else the ball tells me." Alice said and began to whirl her hands around some more. "Gasp!" (yeah she said gasp, too) "Daylight’s savings is back, we’re going to have to change our clocks. Which means, less night for us." Alice shrieked.
"No!" Edward said appalled.
"Yes!" Alice said dramatically.
"What shall we do?" Jasper added.
"We’re gonna die." Esme said peering from the kitchen.
*DUN DUN DUN!*
"We just have to be careful." Edward said gasping for air.
"But how?" Alice’s voice echoes in the big room.
*Another dramatic pause*
*DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!*
"We must, my darling." Jasper said like a soap opera character and taking Alice’s hand.
"Our love can conquer anything!" Alice sighed.
"Or can it?" Esme said and poofed out of the room.
A scream was heard from the upstairs pink bedroom. They all gasped and looked up.
Rosalie and Emmett flew down.
"You will never believe what I just saw in our backyard!" Rosalie cried.
"Oh you found your purse." Alice said simply.
"No." Rosalie said, "But what about my purse?"
"Purse? Huh? What? Er...." Alice stopped.
A long exchange of looks between them.
Rosalie sighed. "I saw........." She grasped her throat.
"GARLIC!!" Emmett boomed falling to the floor. "There’s garlic growing in our backyard."
They all gasped.
"No!" Edward said. "Impossible!"
Jasper stayed silent, looking guilty.
They all stared at him to confess what he had done. Jasper looked at each of them, they all glared.
"All right!" He flung his hands in the air. "It was ME! I did it. But it was an accident!" He said beginning to defend himself. "I thought they were onions!"
"It’s all right Jazzy, dear." Alice said giving her sobbing husband a hug.
"No." Alice said. "I hate onions anyway, and how in the WORLD are we going to get rid of that stuff!?"
"It will spread everywhere." Edward gasped.
"It’s going to kill us!" Emmett cried.
"We’re all gonna die." Esme said again.
*another lighting struck*
"I’ll go out there." Carlisle said walking down the steps.
"My hero!" Esme said and ran up to give her husband a wet sloppy kiss.
"Be careful Carlisle." Rosalie said, her voice cracking.
"I will." Carlisle said and with that he left out for the backyard.
Esme sobbed, clutching her hands to her chest. "He’s gonna die isn’t he?"
"Yeah, most likely." Emmett said simply and threw himself on the couch prepared to watch the game.
"Ah well, he was a good husband."
The door opened, everyone watched it as it creaked slowly, letting in the cool breeze from the outside.
"Bella!" Edward said getting up and to go give his vampire love a kiss.
Bella jumped to the side avoiding making contact with Edward's lips. She watched him stumble over his own feet.
Bella sighed and helped him off the floor.
"Bella, dear, what’s wrong?" Edward asked confused that his love wouldn’t dare kiss him.
"Edward...I’m...pregnant." She said holding her tummy.
"GASP!" Alice said jumping up from the couch to her feet. "You finally made Edward lose his virginity!" She added gleefully.
"I haven’t," Edward said keeping his eyes on his Bella in shock.
"Then how..." Jasper said trailing off.
"Edward is not the father." Bella said simply.
There was a long pause as everyone in the room just stared at each other in utter shock.
"Bella how could you!" Rosalie asked it disgust.
Bella looked down to the floor when she answered, "I was a little drunk last night." She said peering over at Emmett who just chuckled nervously and coughed to hide his uncomfort.
"Emmett!" Edward said slapping his huge brother on the arm. "Bella has never drunk alcohol in her life!" He scolded.
"Sorry." Emmett said. "She wasn’t having fun at the club so I gave her some beer to liven her up when you guys weren’t looking. She got too drunk, and then, well you remember, she went missing."
"Yeah that’s where it happened." Bella said.
"Who’s the father?" Esme asked.
"WHAA?!?!" That came from everyone in the room.
"Yep." Bella said simply and sat down on the couch with her legs crossed.
*Crickets chirping in the background*
"It’s a werepire!" Alice chimed in.
At that second Bella’s tummy grew immensely, she began to complain that her water broke, everyone panicked.
"One day and the baby is born?" Rosalie asked confused.
"It’s a werepire Emmett, it must be born soon or else the mother --due to the lack of blood-- will kill it." Jasper answered Rose’s question.
Two minutes later and the baby was born. They all stared at the russet skin, chocolate brown haired baby, red eyed baby.
Edward stared silently at the little bundle of joy in Bella’s arms.
Bella reached up for Edward and gave him a kiss. "Edward, do you want to hold him?"
There was a loud scream in the backyard.
"CARLISLE!" Esme shouted.
Emmett and Jasper ran outside to get Carlisle. When they entered with him, Carlisle was trashing in pain, he smelled like garlic so no one could get close to him to save him. The odor was too strong for anyone to handle.
Bella accidentally dropped the baby when trying to cover her nose.
The baby, miraculously, began crawling next to Carlisle. He cooed once and bit Carlisle on the arm with his razor sharp teeth.
Moments later Carlisle became imobile.
"Oh my gawd he killed Carlisle!" Esme shrieked.
But he wasn’t dead, the baby cured him. Carlisle stood up slowly, still dizzy from all the garlic he had inhaled, and picked up the baby.
The baby blinked twice. "Goo."