It's the day of Isabella's wedding--and Jacob Black can't stop thinking about her. Every part of him, every fiber of his being longs to be with her...but how will this feeling change knowing that Bella is marrying his enemy? Songfic based on song Hate Me by Blue October.
So, I'm not a big Jacob fan...I'm die hard Team Edward...lol...but this idea came to me and I ran with it and I actually kind of like it. A big thanks goes out to my mugglenet friend TCole for listening to my random rants while coming up with this idea. Hope you all enjoy and reviews are appreciated! :) **Emma
1. Hate Me
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But why? I could’ve given her so much more than him: life, love, a family…yet, she chose him over me--the vampire over the werewolf.
What did I do wrong? Did I not comfort her when she needed it? Did I not piece her back together when she was broken? Obviously, I did something wrong. Maybe I cared too much; she knew I would never do anything to hurt her…that I would always be there for her, no matter what…that she could do something like this to me, and I would still come crawling back to her. I buttoned the last button on my shirt, sighing as I took one last look in the mirror. Dark purple bags sagged under my eyes, showing my lack of sleep to the world. She did this to me; I can’t focus on anything anymore--it’s all her. I sleep, eat, and breathe Isabella. Losing her is like losing every one of my major organs.
My heart--she stole it from the first moment I lay eyes on her. It was always hers…will always be hers. She has no idea how much I longed for her heart to belong to me. Those three simple words spoken, and actually meant, would’ve changed my life forever. Knowing that she loves me, but loves him more breaks my heart. I put her back together when he left her; I taped her heart up, and how does she repay me? She picks him--the one who broke her in the first place. He’s like a drug to her; she can’t see anything but him. What can he give her that’s so wonderful? A body of cold, marble, stone and a dead heart…
My lungs-- Every time I saw her, it was like I’d just had the breath knocked out of me; oxygen had no appeal to me when there was Isabella to breathe. When she’s with him, every smile, every sidelong glance, every kiss steals away another piece of me. It’s like she’s knowingly hurting me; she knows how I feel about her, yet she’s choosing to ignore it. She’s choosing to give up her only chance at human happiness for a life of killing and immortality. How can she live with herself knowing after her transformation, her only way to survive will be to kill? Just thinking about Bella turning cold, hard, and lifeless takes away the little bit of oxygen I have left.
My brain--every thought I’ve had since meeting her has been about her. She has no idea what I would’ve given just to hold her in arms for the rest of our lives. I’ll never be the same after this wedding; every thought I have I will be about what I’ve lost--the human Isabella…the only one that mattered to me will be cold, hard, and dead.
As I pulled up to the house where the wedding was taking place, a lump rose in my throat. The white decorations scattered out front were enough to abolish my strength, and my blindness.
How could she do this to me? How could she make me hate myself for loving her? I gave her everything I had, everything I was, and she threw it back at me. It wasn’t enough to make her love me more than him; would it have been so hard to just love me the way I love her? Would it have been so hard to marry someone who loves you and to start a family with that someone? No; it wouldn’t have been…and now she’s throwing her life away, her very existence for a bloodsucker. All the dreams of weddings and kids--gone, in the blink of an eye, in the final beat of her heart.
I closed my eyes, resting my head against the headrest, sucking in a breath to rid myself of the suffocation I was enduring, but nothing could ever take that away. Nothing could ever replace Isabella…nothing. I can never be the same again. I opened my eyes, watching as Isabella and one of the bloodsuckers stood out front, the doors opening wide before they both took off into the building--the wedding was starting. The suffocating feeling was taking over once more…and I realized I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t be at that wedding. I looked around my car, finding a scrap piece of paper and a dull pencil…and I wrote. I wrote out everything I was feeling, everything I couldn’t say to her. Anxiously looking around to see if I was being watched, I spit my gum into my hand, pressing it against the back of the paper before sticking it on the door of the ‘Just Married’ car. Taking one last look back, I revved up my engine, speeding off away from my nightmare.
With a sad heart I say goodbye to you, Isabella. I would’ve loved you forever, as long as our human lives existed, and after. As much as I wish there was someway I could win you back, I can’t. And I’m done hating myself; I’m done hating myself for the mistakes you’ve made. I’ve waged internal wars with myself over why you couldn’t just love me, and I’m done. I’m done believing that we could’ve had a future together; you never could’ve gotten over your addiction to him, and I see that now. It took seeing you all dressed in white to marry someone else to snap me back into reality. You may hate me for skipping your wedding, but maybe it’s better you hate me; maybe hating me will somehow show you what you missed out on. So, Isabella Marie Swan, hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you, but most of all, hate me for all the things I did do for you. Hate me for all of the sleepless nights I spent worrying about you. Hate me for wishing you would just love me and, most importantly, hate me for loving you. Because I hate myself for loving you so much it hurts.