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Red and Black, Brown and Gold

Summary:
Edward, in New Moon, alone in an attic somewhere in South America, lives in a painful daydream and makes an agonizing decision every single instant. The decision to stay away.


Notes:
Right. I was feeling sorta pissed at Edward for leaving Bella in New Moon for some reason, so i decided to write this to calm down. It was originally a piece of artwork i handdrew, and it was really really good... but my scanner's a butt. So i wrote it instead! REVIEW!


1. Bella

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1218   Review this Chapter

Because you are my one…

And

Only…

Without you my love

My

Heart’s…

So lonely

Lonely

Lonely

Lonely

I remember a time that wasn’t like this I used to know something else I’m certain of it

There was a time when my thoughts ran in lines

Not circles

There was a time beyond nonsense and daydreams a time without pain a time as different from this one as

Apples and oranges

Red and blue

Light and darkness

Me and you…

You

You are the only thing I remember my love you

You and no one else are in my thoughts

In my mind

You my love you my heart you my light you my life

I live for and in memories and all of them are of you I can see them now there are two paths before me and their names are

Right

And

Wrong

They are deceptive- evil always is it sugarcoats its lies it seems to be the only option but there is another if only I can be

Strong

Enough

To take it

But it’s hard, my love it’s so so hard I don’t know if I can

I don’t know if I’m strong enough

Forgive me my weakness but I don’t know why without you it’s hard to survive

I was always

Musical

And yet

It all meant nothing until I met you…

Shall I tell you of the deceptions, love? Of the sweet face wickedness wears as it begs for me to betray all that is right? Shall I?

I must, I think. I have no choice, I think

This is what it looks to me, as I crouch in the darkness. As if borrowing the power of the sister I only half remember beyond the vast haze of the agony, I can see the future stretch out before me

But not one road presents itself

There are two, twins

One light and one dark

But which is which, my love?

Which is which? Tell me, love. I don’t know the difference…

Not

Anymore.

See, over here. Tell me, how can this be good? How can this be right? I see it, I see it, yet it brings me no joy

Only

Agony

At the mere contemplation

Pain, my love. So much of it.

The world is

Pain.

Yes, this is what I see.

I see the life I live now.

And nothing more

And nothing less.

All I see is darkness

How can that be right?

My love?

How can it be that I am meant to spend forever in a world with but two colors?

Black

And red.

Black, the night, the eternal nothingness of my soul that is not, of my heart that I left when I left you, of my mind that knows but one thought and that thought is pain

Red, the color of the blood that sings my name but I don’t even notice, blood that is no longer even a distraction from the agony, red, the color of the hair of the enemy I will destroy, red, the color of pain.

How can this be good? How can decency compel me to take this empty path? Where is heaven here, my love? Where is God’s good hand in this hell?

There is another path, a voice calls to me in the darkness

Another path entirely

No, there is no wider range of color here

No rainbow

Yet I do not need it

I see the only thing I’ve ever wanted

A plentitude of images, if not hues

All I need is here

All I want is here

See them spin before my oppressed eyes, faster and faster, till I can scarcely register them all

There you are, my love. So, so beautiful… that’s a wedding dress, my love

I can see your brown hair cascading down it, I can see the thin gold fabric covering your perfect and so beloved face

I can see the golden skirt gather and fall to the ground

I can see the golden ring shining on your hand- it’s my mother’s ring, my human mother’s, and I gave it to you

Not a sacrifice. Nothing I give you is. It’s a joy

An honor

My love.

Another picture now. Your dress changes, shifts into simple clothing. I don’t notice it

Only one thing is important

I drown in the

Perfection

Of your eyes

Endless, endless brown

Warmth, surrounding my cold body

This corpse-man incased in it, brought in, warmed by your gracious mercy

By the sweet and beautiful brown

Switch, disappear, the image zooms down, from your eyes to… ah, love. Is it shameful, to admit this?

No, it isn’t

Not for

Me.

Because this is a man’s desire

And not a monster’s.

I see you now, my love, not in the bride’s finery

Or in the simple dress of our every-day togetherness

Love, your clothing falls away

All of it

I have seen the Denali coven

Those vaunted temptresses

In all their lusty fervor

They

Do not compare

To how beautiful

You are to me, my love, standing like this

I want you.

I want you.

How can this be the images of the devil, if they show me heaven? The other is hell, the world empty of you. That is the Inferno, my dearest.

The world empty of you

Yet…

Another picture

You lie

On your back

Brown hair falling to your waist

Gold ring, twinkling on your hand

Brown eyes, open… but empty

Red blood, one drop

On your neck

The rest is

Gone

I taste it, almost

This is the devil’s doing, this temptation. It is not what is right

It shows me

What I want

Not what I should do…

What I should do is stay here…

In the darkness

Alone

Forever

You are the only thing that gives me the strength to do it

To live in this sad empty lonely world

Where the only colors

Dimmed by pain

But still bright enough to mock me

Are

Black and Red

And Brown and Gold