-Eclipse in Edward's Point if View- ~*~"It's more Inevitable than the sun rising in the East." -Alice Cullen Midnight Sun~*~
3. Unwilling to see
Rating 5/5 Word Count 6741 Review this Chapter
"Unwilling to see"
Bella was silent as we drove down the empty road. I was surprised she hadn't started throwing questions at me yet. I figured as soon as Alice was out of the car she would start. I doubted she had missed what went on during lunch. She had seen Alice having a vision more than once.
I had tried my best to stall the moment when she would ask. I needed time to come up with a cover story, one that was believable anyway. Hell, I had even talked to Newton.
Though that had been rather amusing, the poor kid's mind had gone into overdrive. If it wasn't for the fact that I could read his every desire whenever he looked at Bella I would have almost felt sorry for him...almost.
Bella, however seemed just as shocked about my choice of people to converse with has he had been. Perhaps talking to Mike was overkill, I guess it did seem a little obvious.
If I were dealing with anyone else this wouldn't be a problem, but Bella had an uncanny way of reading even the slightest slip up in my well guarded expressions. There were times when I thought this was endearing, but most of the time it was down right difficult.
Then again maybe I was just being paranoid; maybe she really hadn't noticed anything. I really hoped so because I hated lying to her, but seeing her hurt was worse and that was what the truth would do. Why frightened her for no reason?
The quiet continued until we reached Charlie's. I swiftly pulled into the drive and cut the engine.
"Light homework load tonight" I said, finally breaking the silence.
"Mmm" was my only answer.
"Do you suppose I'm allowed inside again?"
She had no choice but to speak this time. "Charlie didn't throw a fit when you picked me up for school"
That wasn't exactly true. Charlie had thrown a fit; it just wasn't where Bella could hear it.
I followed her inside, and up the stairs. Once in her room I went to lay on the bed while she checked her email, I knew she had one from Renee she hadn't answered yet.
I Watched the bulbs of moisture roll down the window pane and let my mind search for the answer to the question that would come sooner or later.
I knew this was coming; I had been waiting for Alice to see something like this. I was just hoping it wouldn't be so soon.
The vision itself wasn't all that clear. From what I read from Alice's mind all she had seen was Victoria stalking through the woods. Her facial expression and posture made it clear she was expecting someone. Before that someone showed up however, the vision disappeared.
The only thing Alice could come up with was that wherever Victoria was walking it had to be near the reservation's border line and as soon as she stepped over it everything went blank.
A quick and broken tapping reached my ears, breaking up my thoughts. I looked toward the source of the noise and found Bella's hand working furiously against the old wood of her desk.
I smirked. Perhaps that was where I had picked up the seemingly human action.
I tried to read her face, I couldn't be sure if her impatience was aimed at the sluggish computer or me.
Not matter, either way I had my own form of distraction.
Slipping quietly off the bed I leaned down over her, placing my white hand on hers.
The strumming stopped immediately.
"Are we a little impatient today?" I chose my words carefully just so I could see her face go from aggravated to dazed in record time.
She had been ready to snap at me, with some sarcastic remark no doubt. A part of me wanted to hear it, wanted hear what absurd comment my Bella's mysterious mind would come up with this time, but a much stronger part of me wanted something much more enjoyable.
My lips pressing gently to hers quickly ended any chance of speaking, by either of us.
I, like so many times before, began to drift into another world. The only other world I ever wanted. My lips moved lightly over hers and it was only in these brief moments that I graved the same thing she did. Every part of me yearned to kiss her fully...to let my boundaries down and lose myself completely.
But that was not possible, and her soft body shivering in my stone cold arms was confirmation of that miserable fact.
I reluctantly, but willing loosened my hold.
It was clear Bella had realized this, because she immediately pressed herself into me.
I paused in my attempt to break away and enjoyed the astonishing and rare feeling her body gave mine. Every where her warmth touched sent waves of life though my usually cold form. I never wanted to let go, I wanted to keep kissing her beautiful face and hold her even closer, seal off any gaps that still remained open.
Her moist tongue sliding over my bottom lip however, shocked me enough to come back to reality.
Breaking her strong hold effortlessly, I pulled her head away from mine.
Her face was flushed with the excitement of successfully slipping past my guard, her brown eyes full of desire and longing.
I chuckled softly. Why must she always temp her fate? I doubted she realized how close she had come too actually touching my teeth. I'm not sure what would of happened, if anything, but I wasn't going to take the chance.
I sighed as a soft pout formed on her face. "Ah, Bella"
I too wished we could kiss and do so without restrictions, but it seemed I was the only one who put any effort in to retaining those boundaries.
"I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not" she said once she had regained her breath.
"And I should feel sorry that you're not sorry, but I don't..."
It was true, if I didn't already have the decades of practice in self control; I would gladly to it again and go even further.
"...Maybe I should go sit on the bed"
Her breath hit my face as she exhaled. "If you think that's necessary..."
I smiled at her and pulled away.
"Tell, Reneé I said hello" I said sitting back on to the bed while she sat back at the desk, her computer now wheezing with what little life it had left and ready to go.
"Sure thing" I smiled at her voice, it still sounded breathless. I guess I was better at distraction than I thought.
Bella began to read over her mother's email and I gazed mesmerized at her face. I loved watching how her eyes would light up, her head shake, and how the corner of her mouth would twitch up every now and then at something funny.
So many emotions passed over it her features as she read...shock, humor, love, frustration... longing.
And the plan hit me.
My eyes left her face and looked down; focusing on a certain floorboard I knew was loose.
Did she still have them? It would be a perfect excuse to get her out of harms way for the time being and it would be doing something I knew for a fact she would enjoy.
Bella may good at hiding her true feelings to the outside world, but not to me.
I learned many things in those moments of the night, those times where I can get a small glimpse of what goes on in her head. I knew she missed her mother and at times deeply worried about her.
My eyes scanned the room, then the floor again and I spotted it. Sticking out from beneath the bed was the corner of a book. The scrap book Renee had given her for her last birthday. I grabbed it and quickly flipped it open. The pieces of paper I needed slipped out into my hand.
I heard Bella sigh and I looked up to see a somewhat aggravated expression on her face. Intrigued, I placed the scrapbook back under the bed and got up, silently moving behind her so I could peer over her shoulder.
You've haven't said anything about Jacob in a long time.
What's he up to these days?
The question was innocent enough, though it aggravated me a bit, I didn't understand why it would do the same to her.
I began to read the answer to the question that she was still typing. I couldn't help the smirk that formed on my lips, the response was so Bella. Short, witty, and to the point.
Jacob is fine, I guess. I don't see him much,
he spends most of his time with a pack of his friends down at La Push these days.
Well I gotta go mom, we'll talk later.
Oh yeah, and Edwards says hello.
Bella hit the send button and I was about to speak up about the plane tickets when something caught my eye. She had left her closet door open and I noticed something shoved in the corner, a thin layer of dust coating the top.
I felt Bella's eye on me, but I couldn't look away from the devastation that had once been a top of the line, brand new stereo. Emmet personly picked it out so it matched the faded color of Bella's seats.
The last time I saw it, it had been sitting inside her truck, and even though it stuck out like a sore thumb next to everything else in her ancient vehicle, it was still whole.
"What did you do to this?" and the horror at what I was looking at showed in my voice.
"It didn't want to come out of the dashboard" she said defensively.
"So you felt the need to torture it?" It looked like the poor piece of machinery had been through the deepest layer of hell and back. What did she use to remove it with...a crowbar?
"You know how I am with tools. No pain was inflicted intentionally"
"You killed it"
I finally looked back at her; she was staring at the mess of wires and plastic with an oddly blank look on her face. "Oh, well" she said shrugging her shoulders.
"It would hurt their feelings if they saw this...I guess it's a good thing that you've been on house arrest. I'll have to get another one in place before they notice." Especially Emmet, he had been rather proud of himself, and even dealt with Rose's annoyance when he had suggested it.
"Thanks but I don't need a fancy stereo"
"It's not for your sake that I'm going to replace it"
I heard her sigh, but it wasn't a sigh of aggravation or annoyance as I would expect. It was a sad and somewhat resigned sigh. I looked closely at her face and knew she was remembering things she and I both wished we could forget. I looked down at the packet in my hand and took an unnecessary breath.
Perhaps this was going to be harder than I thought.
Controlling my voice I finally said "You didn't get much good out of your birthday presents last year"
Thanks to me that is, it seemed like all I ever do is take from her. Out of everything that she had gotten on her 18th birthday these plane tickets were the only things left from us...with the exception of yet another scar.
"Do you realize these are about to expire?" I had to work extra hard to keep my face natural and my voice light. I hated talking about anything that reminded her of those times and reminded me of what I had done.
She took a deep breath and when she talked her voice was as flat and emotionless as her face. "No, I'd forgotten all about them actually"
"Well we still have a little time. You've been liberated, and we have no plans this weekend, as you refuse to go to the prom with me...why not celebrate your freedom this way?"
Her face finally showed something, "By going to Florida?" she said surprised
"You did say something about the continental U.S. being allowable" I said, using her words from earlier that day against her.
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously and I knew she had been reminded of what happened at lunch. It didn't matter though because I had my answer for that question now. It came to me almost like I had it in my head all along.
"Well...Are we going to see Renee or not?" I asked watching her expression.
"Charlie will never allow it"
"Charlie can't keep you from visiting your mother. She still has primary custody."
"Nobody has custody of me. I'm an adult" she said defiantly, her cheeks turning slightly pink.
Gotcha...I grinned triumphantly "Exactly"
She became silent, debating her decision. I could still see the longing in her eyes. I knew she wanted this badly.
Finally she sighed "Not this weekend"
"Why not?" I asked immediately
"I don't want to fight with Charlie. Not so soon after he's forgiven me."
I felt my face fall as my plan began to slip. "I think this weekend is perfect"
"You're not the only one who's been trapped in this house you know" I didn't say it mean or in a hard way, but I instantly wished I could take the words back when I saw the slight flash of fear in her eyes.
Then as quickly as it came it was gone.
"You can go anywhere you want"
"The outside world holds no interest for me without you" I said honestly and I was a little hurt when she rolled her eyes. "I'm serious"
"Let's take the outside world slowly alright? For example we could start with a movie in Port Angeles...."
I groaned a movie? She was turning down a trip to Florida, a chance to see her mother, and be out of this blasted house for a movie.
"Never mind. We'll talk about it later"
"There's nothing left to talk about" she said stubbornly
I shrugged; I'd find a way to get her to go one way or another.
"Okay then, new subject" she said quickly before I could speak "What did Alice see today at lunch?"
There it was, exactly what I had been waiting for.
I had my answer but that didn't make lying straight to her face any easier. Taking control of my facial features I said smoothly "She's been seeing Jasper in a strange place, somewhere in the Southwest, she thinks, near his former...family. But he has no conscious intentions to go back...it's got her worried"
She paused and her eyes became suspicious again "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"I'd didn't realize you'd noticed" ok so I had hoped she didn't notice, but all the same "It's probably nothing important in any case"
She of course believed my every word and immediately dropped the subject. This only made me feel worse, but it was for the best. If she knew the truth she would just be frightened and when Bella was frightened she made rash decisions and did stupid things.
Later on that night, once Charlie was home, I waited in the living room while they ate dinner. I knew what I had to do, but Bella wasn't going to like it.
It would all be worth it all in the end, though. She would be safe for the weekend and she would get to see Renee like I knew she wanted to.
It seemed Charlie had finished eating because a contented sigh reached my ears followed by his voice.
"That was great, Bella"
"I'm glad you liked it." She answered "How was work?"
"Sort of slow. Well, dead slow really. Mark and I played cards for a good part of the afternoon...I won nineteen hands to seven. And then I was on the phone with Billy for a while"
I frowned already knowing where this conversation was going, even without paying attention to his thoughts.
"How is he?"
"Good, good. His joints are bothering him a little"
"Oh, that's too bad"
Here it comes. I didn't care if I had to carry Bella onto the plane; she would not being going to that party.
"Yeah. He invited us down to visit this weekend. He was thinking about having the Clearwaters and the Uleys over too. Sort of a playoff party..."
I waited for Bella's reply, wondering what she would say knowing that I could hear her from where I was.
I smiled slightly, though it could probably be considered a grimace. Hearing Bella stacking the dishes I stood up, deciding to make my presence known again. Preferably before Charlie began pressing the party business and forced an answer out of her.
‘Why the hell can't he stay away...at least fort one night?' Charlie grumbled in his head as I went to stand beside Bella to dry the dishes. ‘I'll talk to her in the morning'
Charlie sighed and got to his feet. I looked over at Bella as she scrubbed the plate in her hands and made up my mind. I needed to get this over with.
"Charlie" I said conversationally
He groaned mentally before he answered "What?"
"Did Bella ever tell you that my parents gave her airplane tickets on her last birthday, so that she could visit Renee?"
I heard Bella's sharp intake of breath as her face snapped up to me. The plate she had been holding clattered to the floor, covering all three of us in soapy water. I turned my gaze to her but she was already picking up the plate, her eyes locked on the floor. I could see and smell the blood rising in her face.
"Bella?' Charlie asked stunned
"Yeah they did" she answered still not meeting anyone's gaze.
‘Man that was some gift; I don't even want to know how much it must have cost'
Charlie turned back to me still slightly stunned "No, she never mentioned it."
"Hmm" I murmured
"Was there a reason you brought it up?"
I felt Bella's eyes on me again; they seemed to be boring through my face. I kept my eyes on Charlie as I shrugged. "They're about to expire. I think it might hurt Esme's feelings if Bella doesn't use her gift. Not that she'd say anything"
‘Of course it would hurt anybody's feelings, spending that much money on something for no reason...and Renee is really desperate to see her, why didn't Bella say anything, it's not like I'd say no if she wanted to see her mother, I know how close they are'
"It's probably a good idea for you to visit your mom, Bella. She'd love that"
‘Iknow how it feels to want to spend time with your daughter but can't'
"I'm surprised you didn't say anything about this though"
"You forgot that someone gave you plane tickets?"
"Mmmm" That was all she said as she turned back to the sink. She didn't go back to cleaning the dish she still held in her hands, she just stared at the bubbles like they were reason this was all happening. I knew she was going to be mad at me, though I always thought it was cute when she was angry I didn't like those rare moments when it was aimed at me, not that it ever lasted long.
‘wait tickets as in more than one...how many did they give her...he doesn't actually think I would..."
"I noticed that you said they're about to expire, Edward...how many tickets did your parents giver her?"
The blood once again rushed to Bella's face as her heart picked up speed; she still hadn't moved or torn her eyes away from the soapy water. I mentally apologized before I answered. It was the only way, she couldn't just leave and she would never willingly bring it up herself and I knew she really wanted this.
"Just one for her... and one for me"
The plate slipped from her hands again, landing safely in the sink this time.
‘What as in....them going together...as in alone...together....does he really think I would...that he could...'
"That's out of the question"
"Why?" I asked innocently "You just said it was a good idea that she see her mother"
‘That's before you were going....what the hell does she think she's doing, she's knows better than this...there's no way I'd let her leave with him...regardless of where they are going...Hell no!"
"You're not going with him anywhere young lady" Charlie yelled pointing his finger at Bella who had spun around, her face now flushed with anger.
"I'm not a child dad. And I'm not grounded anymore remember?"
"Oh, yes you are. Starting now"
"For what?!" Bella yelled.
I knew there was going to be an argument but I honestly didn't think it was going to be this bad.
"Because, I said so"
"Do I need to remind you that I'm a legal adult, Charlie?"
"This is my house... you follow my rules"
Bella's face turn hard "If that's how you want it. Do you want me to move out tonight? Or can I have a few days to pack?"
For the first time Charlie was speechless, all he did was stand there his face turning an even darker shade than Bella's.
"I'll do my time without complaining when I've done something wrong, Dad ..." she began more calmly "but I'm not going to put up with your prejudices."
I held in a chuckle, I really couldn't help it. It always surprised me at how grown up Bella really is. Only she could put her full grown father in his place and make him look like the misbehaving teenager.
"Now I know that you know I have every right to see mom for the weekend. You can't honestly tell me you'd object to the plan if I was going with Alice or Angela."
Charlie seemed to compose himself enough to nod
"Would it bother you if I took Jacob?"
My jaw clenched tightly, I hated how his name came so quickly to her lips, almost like she had been thinking of him the whole time. And I hated the feeling that washed over me because I knew who Charlie preferred.
"Yes" Charlie finally answered "That would bother me"
"You're a rotten liar dad."
"It's not like I'm headed of to Vegas to be a showgirl or anything. I'm going to see mom...she's just as much my parental authority as you are."
Charlie's face fell and I knew from his thoughts he knew he was beat. But Bella went on.
"Are you implying something about mom's ability to look after me?"
I saw Charlie flinch at the hidden threat, and I know Bella saw it too. I half expected her to just leave it at that, but once again she surprised me by actually voicing the threat.
"You'd better hope I don't mention this to her"
"You'd better not...I'm not happy about this Bella"
"There's no reason for you to be upset" She took a breath before she went on "So my homework is done, your dinner is done, the dishes are done, and I'm no longer grounded. I'm going out. I'll be back before ten thirty"
Charlie's anger seemed to flare up again "Where are you going?"
"I'm not sure...I'll keep it within a ten mile radius, though, okay?"
He finally seemed to give up, and without answering he turned and stormed off towards the living room.
"We're going out?" I asked, unable to hold back the eagerness, it had been way too long since we had done anything that wasn't at school or in this house, it would be nice for a change.
Bella turned to me, her face livid. I guess I should have been a little apprehensive but I knew her anger wasn't going to last long. "Yes. I think I'd like to talk to you alone"
"What was that?" she demanded as soon as we were in the car and the door closed.
I settled on half the truth. "I know you want to see your mother Bella...you've been talking about her in your sleep. Worrying actually."
I nodded "But clearly you were too much of a coward to deal with Charlie, so I interceded on your behalf"
"Interceded? You threw me to the sharks"
I rolled my eyes; always over dramatic "I don't think you were in any danger"
"I told you I didn't want to fight with Charlie" she said glowering at me.
"Nobody said that you had to"
"I can't help myself when he gets all bossy like that...my natural teenage instincts over power me"
I laughed, though I wasn't sure if it was because of what she said or the matter of fact way in which she said it.
"Well that's not my fault"
All I did was bring up the subject, her and Charlie were responsible for what followed. I felt bad that Bella had to fight with her father again over something that involved me, but I kept telling myself it would all be worth it. I wasn't going to take any chances; I wanted Bella as far away from Forks as possible while Victoria was taken care of.
"Does this sudden urge to see Florida have anything to do with the party at Billy's place?"
I clenched my jaw again. That subject was totally irrelevant to why I wanted her out of Forks. And either way it did not matter, going to La Push wasn't even part of the argument.
"Nothing at all. It would not matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn't be going"
I could here her teeth grit together as she held her tongue. I didn't want a fight anymore that she did and defiantly not over the damn dogs. I sighed, "So what do you want to do tonight?"
She took a breath before she answered "Can we go to your house? I haven't seen Esme in so long"
I smiled, Esme really did miss Bella. "She'll like that. Especially when she hears what we're doing this weekend"
I saw Bella close her front door, she had no idea what was waiting for her. I was very tempted to stay and listen to this conversation. Charlie giving the talk to any one would be amusing, but Bella being the one to receive it would be down right hilarious.
But I needed to hunt and figured I might as well get it over with because I doubted I would get the chance to do so in Florida.
Halfway home, my phone rang.
I put it to my ear and before I could even speak Alice's anxious voice reached me.
"Edward...Edward where are you?"
"I'm one my way home to meet Emmet, why what's ...."
"Where's Bella..." she asked urgently, my stomach clenched when she said Bella's name and I knew she had seen something
"I dropped her off at home, did you...?"
"Go back!" she yelled, cutting me off.
"What did you see?" I asked loudly unable to keep the shaking out of my voice. What could have happened in such a short amount of time?
"That's the problem Edward" Alice said, her voice high and hysterical "I can't see anything, everything's gone."
The phone fell from my hand as I slammed on the breaks and spun the car around. The tires squealed and slid on the wet pavement.
Once facing the other direction my foot slammed down on the accelerator.
Alice unable to see Bella meant only one thing, her future had disappeared, and the only way that could happen would be if she no longer had one, if she was...
No, no, no, NO!
I couldn't think it...it wasn't possible... she was fine when I had left her; I had waited till she was safely in the house.
Damn it I should have stayed; this was Bella for crying out loud, anything could have happened. Anything...
A strange gasping reached my ears and it took me a minute to realize it was my own unsteady breathing.
"Edward....Edward..." Alice's voice reached me from the phone I had dropped on the floor board. Bending down with a shaking hand I picked it back up.
"What happened...what was she doing before she disappeared." I asked cutting her off in the middle of calling my name again.
"I saw her speaking with Charlie and then she went upstairs to her room, I thought she was going to go to bed but then everything just went blank. I don't understand there was nobody else their, she was alone as far as I could tell"
I came to a screeching halt about a mile from her house and jumped out to run the rest of the way. I didn't want to surprise anybody who might be waiting in the shadows.
And I could think of only one person.
"Edward I don't think it's Victoria" Alice said almost like she had been reading my thoughts. "I've been keeping my eyes open for her, I would have known if she was anywhere near Forks right now"
My nerves steadied a little but not much. I finally came to a stop once I was in Charlie's front yard, then like I had done many nights before I jumped up the tree by Bella's window.
What I saw gave me such relief I nearly chocked out a sob.
There was my Bella; she was fine, safe... alive.
I must have made some kind of noise because Alice began to speak again "What is it, what's wrong"
I let out a shaky breath "Don't worry Alice she's fine, she's in her room it looks like she's planning on going somewhere" For she had just shoved her jacket back on and was quickly throwing her hair into a pony tail.
"Well don't let her leave!" Alice shrieked in my ear.
"I won't, I'll call you back"
I hung up. I now knew what was going on.
I knew why Bella's future had disappeared and why she was now headed out her room. She was going to La Push, and as soon as that decision was made up in her mind Alice had seen, or in this case hadn't seen.
Betrayal washed over me, and it was so strong in drowned out any kind of anger I would be feeling.
Bella was going behind my back; she was actually going to risk her life, put her self in danger when I had practically begged her not to.
Didn't she understand what kind of a danger she was putting herself into? Would she ever possibly understand how much I loved her, how much she was hurting me at this very moment.
Jumping from the tree I dashed to her truck. I quickly lifted the hood and pulled what I needed out before I silently shut the hood again. Rosalie is a pain, but having her as a sister did have its advantages.
This all happened in a matter of seconds and I could now hear Bella rushing down the stairs. I climbed into the passenger seat and sat in the shadows...waiting.
"You care if I see Jake tonight...I won't stay out long?"
Hearing her say his name again was too much. She had confirmed what I already knew. I closed my eyes and took a steadying breath. Then like so many times before I pushed back my emotions and locked them securely away, so when my eyes opened back up I knew my face was its unreadable mask.
I was safe this way, because I was beginning to realize something, and that something I did not want to deal with right now.
It would have to wait I would make it wait.
"Sure, kid. No problem. Stay as long as you like"
I smelled her sent as soon as she stepped outside. She made her way quickly to the truck; I could hear her heart pounding in her chest, smell the adrenaline rush through her veins as she looked over her shoulder in to the shadows.
Didn't she know she would never be able to get away with this? Did she really expect me to not keep and eye on her after I lost her once before?
When she was in the truck I remained silent, slowing twirling the piece of her truck in my hands. I would be seen soon enough.
She turned the key and of course nothing happened. She huffed angrily before turning the key again, the results were the same.
She had finally seen me. I did not look up as I spoke. I couldn't. I would loose it if I looked into her face, I knew it.
"Alice called" I said quietly "She got nervous when your future abruptly disappeared five minutes ago."
I heard her gasp but I went on in the same low mummer.
"Because she can't see the wolves you know. Had you forgotten that? When you decide to mingle your fate with theirs you disappear too. You couldn't know that part I realize that. But can you see why that would make me a little... anxious? Alice saw you disappear and she couldn't even tell if you had come home or not. Your future got lost just like theirs.
"We're not sure why this is. Some natural defense their born with? That doesn't seem entirely likely, since I haven't had any trouble reading their thoughts. The Blacks at least. Carlisle theorizes that it's because their lives are so ruled by their transformations. It's more an involuntary reaction than a decision. Utterly unpredictable and it changes everything about them. In that instant when they shift from one form to another, they don't even really exist. The future can't hold them..."
I paused in my explaining and waited. But she did not speak.
She was angry, furious. I knew it, and for the life of me I couldn't look at her face and see that anger. Because, right now it was not cute, or amusing, it was painful, because for the first time since I had met and fell in love with my Bella she was truly angry at me.
Sure there were moments when I thought she had been mad at me before, but as I look back on those times I realize it was nothing more than aggravation or annoyance. It had never been straight on fury, and it had never been aimed at me.
There was just one other time she had almost been truly angry with me, and that was when I had told her we were leaving, but it was so quickly replaced with grief and pain it was gone before it truly surfaced.
But it was surfaced now, and I had no idea what the out come would be. Especially if that something I refused to think about or even to acknowledge was true.
"I'll put your car back together in time for school, incase you'd like to drive yourself."
I heard her grab the keys from the ignition and fling the door open, after she had climbed out of the truck I whispered "Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I'll understand"
The door slammed shut and she was gone, stomping off towards the house. Another door slammed and I heard Charlie call out to ask what was wrong, but whatever else was said I did not hear. My ears were zoned in for one sound, and one sound only.
I climbed out of the truck and walked back to the house. Stopping just under her window I leaned against the side of the house and waited.
Waited for the one thing, that had always been open to me, to close. It was more than just a window. It was a representation of all she had given to me, all I knew I didn't deserve, but took anyway.
She had reached her room, I heard her feet stomp across the floor, and even though I knew it would happen there was still a part of me that hoped it wouldn't. And it was that part that broke, when the window to the only heaven I would ever be granted slammed shut.
I flinched as the echoing crash filled the darkness around me.
Letting out a breath, I hadn't known I'd been holding, I pushed myself up and I walked back a few paces to stare up at the still trembling window pane.
I didn't know what to think... what to do.
I wanted to climb up, open the window, and apologize... to beg for forgiveness.
The only problem was I wasn't sorry for what I had done. I was sorry it I had upset her, but I wasn't sorry for keeping her safe.
It didn't matter if she never talked to me again; I would do everything in my power to stop her from going to the reservation. Because even though this hurt, even though the noise of her window crashing closed still echoed painfully through my head, it was a pain I could live with.
I had felt a pain that was unbearable, an agony that still haunted me, that left me bare and bleeding in those long hours when she wasn't in my sight.
I couldn't go through that again, I couldn't loose her again.
It made me selfish I know, but I'd rather her hate me, and still be alive, than love me and be gone forever.
I turned and slowly began to walk away. I didn't know what I would do for the rest of the night. Just the thought of spending it in my own room alone made me feel miserable.
Then just when I began to wonder how long this would last, how many nights I would have to spend without her warm body next to mine and that soft heartbeat humming in my ears, I heard it.
The soft creak of wood sliding against wood, I froze.
Slowly I turned my head and peered over my shoulder. I felt a soft smile tug the corners of my lips when I saw Bella's window.
It was now opened as far as it would go, once again welcoming in the night.
But even that small smile hurt.
I waited till I had explained things to Alice and went hunting before I returned. I wanted to give her some time, and a part of me was hoping she would be asleep when I got there.
I climbed silently through her window, like I had done so many times before. And it did seem like she was asleep. I sighed quietly and laid down next to her, careful not to move the bed.
She was facing the wall with her back to me, but as I softly wrapped my arm around her waist, like I did every night, I heard her heart pick up speed and I knew she was awake.
Afraid she was still angry with me I began to move my arm, but her soft hands closing around my fingers made me stop.
"Don't go" she whispered.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded and pulled my hand towards her face, snuggling it closer to her body. I relaxed and laid my head on her pillow, her soft hair brushing my face.
Just when I thought she had fallen asleep, I heard her whisper again, and this time it was so soft that even with my enhanced hearing I had to strain to hear it.
"I didn't know if you were going to come back"
My arm tightened around her automatically. I guess leaving her alone and giving her some time wasn't a good idea, I should have known better.
"I told you once before" I murmured as I kissed her hair. "I'm here till you order me away"
Her answer was the same as last time.
It wasn't long till she fell asleep, and it was in those silent hours of the night that that knowing something I had been trying to ignore, made itself known again.
And try as I might I could not stop the seed of doubt from growing, and Bella's actions tonight only watered my fears.
I pushed them away once more, those uncertainties had no place here in this room, here where I was holding my angel.
She was in my arms tonight and they had no reason to make themselves known now.
For I was still unwilling to see them
- Seed of Doubt
- Unwilling to see
- The Right to Know
- Strike One
- Worth It
- Getting Heathcliff
- Curious Uncertainties
- Strike Two
- Not Today
- Getting Heathcliff Part 2
- Self Preservation
- A Change of Plans
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- 06 Jul 08
- 12 Mar 10
- In Progress