All My Fault
Where are the Cullens just after Bella's birthday in New Moon? Jasper illustrates how they are coping. What will they find when Alice demands to visit Forks?
1. Chapter 1
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All I wanted was to make Alice happy. That was my one greatest wish. She had been so sad lately. I knew she was missing Bella terribly. I also knew she deeply resented Edward’s decision. But we had promised him. We had sworn not to go near her…
* * *
I could feel all of their emotions. Except Edward’s, of course. He was in South America. Rosalie was annoyed, I guessed her hair wasn’t styling the way she wanted it to today. She was the only one who truly could not give a damn about Bella, but recently she had begun to feel the strain the separation was taking on our family. I don’t think she realized the difference Bella made in our lives. Emmett was moping. Esme was sobbing downstairs, that one especially caught my senses. I sent out another wave of calm. Carlisle was at the hospital. And Alice was in the bathroom punching through the remainder of our less-than-intact wall in frustration. I sighed. If this got any worse…
Well, I knew I physically couldn’t hold any more pain. Or deal with my own. I was sick of this. Sick and absolutely exhausted.
I felt terribly guilty. This was my fault, even if no one blamed me. If I hadn’t lost control at that damned birthday party… I shook my head. I could still see the monster reflected in Bella’s eyes as I lunged for her. Damn it. It was my fault.
Poor Bella. She had certainly got the worse end of the stick. When Edward had said good-bye, told her that we were leaving, she had no idea we were all in the trees behind him. Sure, he had said we had already gone to LA. It disgusted him how easily he could lie to her face. It disgusted me, too. The emotion rolling off her was unbearable. And I couldn’t have helped her, she would have known immediately I was there.
I couldn’t stay for the end, for the final good bye. It was too hard, her emotions alone were enough to torture me, but throw in those of Edward, Alice and the others and it was a recipe for disaster. Or complete mental breakdown.
I heard a bang downstairs and realised that Esme had dropped something. I was there almost instantly helping her clean up the glass of the broken platter. She was still sobbing relentlessly. I soothed her with my gift.
I’ve never been really sure until last September whether a vampire could well and truly cry.
We had been in Alaska for the last few months, living near Tanya’s family. They were good company, but nothing lifted the mood these days. I should know.
Emmett was playing video games. He was becoming increasingly infuriated as he lost each round. It was one of those simulated wrestling matches. I watched him a minute before heading back upstairs to Alice.
She wasn’t in the bathroom when I walked in. She was lying on our bed, growling angrily.
"Another one?" I asked worriedly. She had been having some visions these last few days that left her on the floor, moaning in pain. She said that she was feeling Bella’s suffering and that she could only see more heartache for her.
She shook her head. "No. But I’m not waiting around for the next one. I’m going to Forks."
I had the sense not to laugh. "We can’t. Edward will kill us."
"Well, since Edward has denied us his presence, since Edward has ripped this family to pieces, since Edward has done this to Bella, I’m not of the mind that his decision is worth much at the moment." Her voice was filled with rage each time she spat out his name. I had never seen her so angry with her brother, but I certainly felt it now. It tore me up to see Alice so angry. She was supposed to be sunny, happy. She was Alice.
It appeared she was blaming Edward. But I knew it was my fault. If I had had enough control last September… We would still be in Forks, I guessed. I frowned.
All my fault.
"Alice, let’s think this through. If you see Bella and she’s not dealing with this so well, you’re going to want to stay and help her, right?" She nodded. "And then she’ll get attached and when we have to leave again, it’ll just hurt her more. You couldn’t want to hurt Bella any more, could you?"
"I won’t say anything to her, I promise. I just want to check that she’s alright." Alice whispered.
I sighed. "It’s too risky. And you know perfectly well that she won’t be all right. She’s Bella."
"Still a no."
I was leaning in the doorway. She sat up and came over to me. She put her hand on my neck.
"Do you love me, Jasper?""Of course I do!" I spluttered. I wasn’t prepared for this method of convincing. Cheater. “It’s justr13;”
“r13; Yes! Oh thank you, Jasper! Thank you!” she jumped up and kissed me on the cheek.
"I didn’t say yes!"
She was already throwing piles of clothes into a suitcase. "But you’re going to come anyway," she explained happily.
I groaned. I could feel her joy; it would have been infectious, if not for the mournful emotions of the rest of my family. I would do anything to keep her happy. But I knew what she’d find in Forks. Happiness wasn’t an option in this future. She went to put the suitcase in the car while I was left to tell Esme.
She was going to be so upset. Her only wish was to keep this family together. Well that one fell apart.
"You’re leaving?" she asked in disbelief. "YOU’RE LEAVING!"
"Only for a few days," I said meekly. I felt her terror and hurt. I pushed out another surge of serenity.
"Where are you going?" Esme asked angrily. "It had better be important."
"I don’t know yet," I lied. "I just need a break for a while. All I can feel is hate and depression and I can’t deal with it anymore. We’ll be back by next week, I promise."
Her face softened in sympathy and she nodded.
And then we left.
We drove through Alaska, then Canada in Carlisle’s black Mercedes. We ignored the scenery. There was too much on our minds. I didn’t even enjoy the speed of this drive.
Our gas stop in Seattle lasted only minutes before Alice forced me back into the car.
We reached Forks that afternoon. We went to our house first to stash the car and all our gear. Before we set off for Bella’s house, Alice pulled herself to me and kissed me fiercely. I, naturally, kissed her back with vigorous enthusiasm. Too soon, she pulled away.
"What was that for?" I asked curiously.
"Just in case we die tonight," she grinned wickedly.
"Why would we die tonight? Do you know something I don’t?" Perhaps her visions included more than she let on.
"Well, if Edward shows up… he’ll roast us alive. That sort of thing. He’s really into torture, actually."
"Well in that case," I pulled her mouth up to mine once more.
* * *
Bella’s house looked exactly the same. Her old red truck was parked in the driveway. Charlie’s cruiser wasn’t there yet. We crept around the back and found a point where we could see her window.
"How is she?" Alice whispered.
I opened myself to her emotions and was struck dumb by the mere force of them. I was overcome by her grief, mourning and terrible sadness.
Oh my God. How did she survive this?
I knelt down on the ground, afraid that if I didn’t, the overwhelming force of her feelings would crush me to the dirt like some extreme gravitational device.
Alice helped me. She sat down. "It’s bad isn’t it? It’s really bad."
All I could do was nod my head. I desperately wanted to help her, but I didn’t, or she would surely know. And that made me feel even more useless, knowing that I was probably one of the only ones who could relieve that pain.
"Charlie’s home," she murmured. She darted back into the shadows, I was too dazed to move, so she came back and dragged me. How degrading.
We heard them eating dinner. I could tell Charlie was trying to get Bella to talk, but she wasn’t responding. This was getting worse and worse.
"How was your day?" I heard him ask.
"Fine," it shocked me how sullen and dull her voice was. I remembered Bella being full of life and joy. This was an extreme change. I felt her emotions and I was astounded she was even able to answer through all that agony.
"Anything interesting happen at school?" Charlie was trying really hard.
"What have you got planned for the weekend?"
"Want to come fishing with me on Saturday morning?"
"Maybe. I don’t know." She was giving no information at all. I felt sorry for Charlie. I sensed his sadness and his regret.
"I’m going to sleep. Goodnight." There was a clatter as she washed her plate and I heard her begin to walk slowly up the stairs.
Alice stirred beside me. She was panicked. "That’s horrible. It’s not Bella at all! We have to call Edward. This is very bad."
I shook my head. I still could not speak. The intensity of her sorrow was growing by the minute. In the space of about an hour, it had relaxed somewhat and I was released. I supposed this was because she had succumbed to slumber. It was already dark. I guessed it was about ten o’clock
"That was worse than Mexico," I said quietly. "That was so much more focused. It was like I was a part of her pain. I’m going to kill Edward for this." She knew I wasn’t serious.
"Come on," said Alice. At first I thought that meant we were leaving, but then she climbed swiftly up to Bella’s window.
"Alice!" I hissed, but she was already inside. I groaned and followed her.
Bella’s room hadn’t changed. But there was a strange new smell. Like wet dog. I wondered if she had got a dog. She couldn’t of, we would have noticed.
Bella was asleep. She lay there in the moonlight. I gasped. She looked horrible. Her face was gaunt and sunken. There were deep bruises under her eyes. Alice pulled the cover back a bit. She had lost so much weight. This was revolting.
And it was all my fault.
Alice replaced her blanket, shaking her head. "That was worse than my visions. We have to find Edward. If he sees that, he’ll come back for sure."
We froze as Bella started muttering. She rolled over and I saw in plain view her agonized expression.
"Jacob." She muttered. "Give it back now!"
I didn’t know who Jacob was. I quickly wondered if he was her boyfriend. Somehow, I thought not.
She tossed and turned a little more.
"No! Don’t!" she whispered and I could feel the agony enveloping me again. I sank into her rocking chair. "Don’t leave me, Edward! No…"
She rolled and pressed her face into her pillow. I wasn’t prepared for the screams that followed. She moaned and cried out for him. It was sickening. I felt like my gut had tied at least several knots in itself. Suddenly, Alice grabbed me and pulled me into Bella’s closet.
I realised why as Charlie came in. Through a small crack, I could see him kneeling at her side, trying to coax her to drink some water from the glass he was holding. He looked bad too; his face was blotchy and haggard. He sighed and put the water beside her bed. He left the room.
Alice and I emerged from her closet. I was half expecting Alice to make a comment about Bella’s lack of fashionable clothes. But she didn’t. She was still supporting me. Bella’s nightmare was getting worse. Alice sat me back in the rocking chair and she knelt beside Bella, like Charlie had before.
Before I could stop her, she reached out and stroked Bella’s hair. Bella shivered, but her nightmare immediately calmed. Her eyes fluttered open. I held my breath. She wasn’t to know we were here.
"Alice?" she whispered. "No. It’s just a dream. She won’t come for me. He said he didn’t love me…" I felt a fresh wave of sadness as she thought about Edward. But her eyes were still staring at Alice. I sent a powerful current of lethargy at Bella, throwing her into a deep, dreamless sleep. It was the least I could do for her. When I found Edward… He was going to be a new man when he saw my memory of Bella. He’d better be.
Alice stood up. She strode to the window after murmuring good bye to Bella, and left. I glanced at Bella’s now peaceful face.
"I’m so sorry, Bella. It’s all my fault." I said quietly. I followed Alice.
All my fault