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Twilight, a Wizard, and a Few Bottles of Rum

What happens when you combine rum, 4 year old Edward, a wizard, rum, crack, and more rum? Bad things... Our first crack-fic! ;)


1. Drunk...

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1254   Review this Chapter

Once upon a time, there was a four year old named Edward Cullen. He had just eaten 14 ice pops and was reaching for his 15th when a little wizard appeared.

“Stop in the name of the Volturi!” wailed the exuberant midget man boy thingy.

“Eep!” Young, less hot Edward eeped. “A miniature wizard has come to steal my treasure!” Little not hot Eddy started running around screaming like a little girl!

“Do not fear, for I am Wizard Hugh Moungus. I am not here to steal your ice pops, I am here to EAT YOUR CHILDREN! And your flesh!”

“Not the children! Anything but that!” he cried like a mother in a movie.

Suddenly, BELLA appeared out of somewhere (nowhere?) screaming…

“DO NOT EATETH THY CHILDREN! EATETH ME! …ETH!” Then, she stabbed herself in the heart… with a rubber knife.

“DIETH BELLA! DIE!!!!!!!” She shouted with passion, still stabbing nowhere (everywhere?).

“Hahahahahahahahahahahaha funny good smelling lady stab herself with… RUBBA!” Little Eddy Junior boy guy thing VAMPIRE cackled!

Suddenly Emmett appeared out of everywhere (somewhere?) and shouted…

“I NEED A DIAPER CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!! :( ” Emmett burped while farting.

“Betta out than in I always say,” Hugh Moungus prophesized.

“I will maketh thee a droppings holder from the finest worm silk!” Bella mumbled not walking in a strait line. “Right after this bottle of rum!” Bella stumbled into thick air (thin air?) while no one (everyone?) started yelling random crap about politics and sexy werewolves. Right at the nick of time, the sexiest werewolf of all sexy werewolves appeared sitting on Edward.

“IM A PRETTY PONY!” Edward shouted seductively “And Jacob is my Barbie!” Jacob gluged down another bottle of Bella’s homemade lemon flavour rum. Bella skipped back into the fanfic with four more bottles of rum on (in?) one hand and a golden diaper in (on?) the other.

“I HAVE COMETH FOR THY SWEET BABY JESUS! WITH A GOLDEN SATIN DROPPINGS HOLDER AND THE FINEST BOTTLE OF CRACK- I mean, RUM! (filled with crack!)” Bella sang in slurred lingo. She skipped while stumbling tipsy-like onto the Jacob/Edward (now Jacob/Edward/Bella) doggy pile. Jacob made a noise quite like a dieing goat and Bella giggled.

“Bella, babes, come with me and we can have some fun, if you know what I mean.” Jacob said in a New York/Czechoslovakian accent while winking multiple times.

“Ohhhh we are going to Chuck E Cheese!” Bella cried, childlike.

“YOU READ MY MIND!” the sexy boy werewolf hotness screamed. Both lovers drank a whole bottle of rum (with crack) which was their portal to Lala Land, and skipped off to Chuck E Cheese.

The beautiful and ugly Rosalie popped into the spot Bella was last teetering and the whole crowd gasped in horror (Emmett) /amazement (Edward) /passion (Hugh Moungous).

“What? Don’t you like my new... PERM???????” Rosalie question while swinging around the new afro on her head, while ‘I Kissed a Girl’ was playing in her head, while noticeably (unnoticeably?) bugs crawled on her head.

“Dude you got a fro!!!!” Hugh Moungus cooed.

Emmett burped.

Edward giggled while offering Mr. Moungus some crack rum.

Rosalie stared in disbelief while reaching for no one’s (everyone’s?) favourite rum! On sale at Bella’s secret alley today!

“I luv me self sum RUUUUUUUUUUM!” Rosalie squealed.

“Squeeeeeeeee!” Edward squeed.

Then, Carlisle appeared into (out of?) thin air.

“What are you guys- ARE YOU DRUNK?!?!?”

“Yup.” Rosalie said happily.

“It’s Bella’s Rum.” Hugh Moungus informed him.

Carlisle’s eyes lit up. “Oh, I see. Well then, that is acceptable.”

“Would you like a sippy sip?” Emmett gurgled as his snot bubble popped.

“I have some in my mini fridge at the hospital and I drink it while performing operations……. But you don’t know that, do you?”

“Know what?” Rosalie asked as she dozed off, whacking her head on Carlisle’s shoulder.

“My Carlisle. My Carlisle.” She muttered.

“I’m calling the fuzz on you!” Emmett shouted. “They lock up drunkies like you. You will never hospitalize in this town again! THE FUZZ’S ANTI-DRUNKIES ORGANIZATION WILL PREVAIL! ANTI-DRUNKIES, UNITE!” he waddled away soberly (drunkly?).

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Carlisle cried dramatically. “I’m allergic to fuzz!”

“Oh, well then that would bad. I’ll call the dust bunnies instead.” Emmett compromised.

“Okay. That’s fine… but I’ll have to erase your memory so you don’t remember anything!!!… one…two… three…ZAP!!” Carlisle wonked (the best word ever!). Emmett looked around while looking around looking looks at that look of looks with a confused look on his looking face…. LOOK!

“WHAT THE WEREWOLF JUST HAPPENED! I feel like I just drank a lot of rum! How silly of me!” Emmett moaned in a monotone voice. Hugh Moungus laughed with his big fatso belly, (like a bowl full of jelly!) his jolly red nose, and his bright green pantyhose!

“Silly boy! Silly Boy!” He said with a grin. “Mr. Carlisle here thought he could win! He erased your memory, with a quick flash! He almost tried to take a dash!”

Rosalie slowly (suddenly?) woke up.

“Wait why does this story rhyme?” Rosalie mumbled, drinking more rum. “I like rum! RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!”

The whole crowd of them starts singing songs about how wonderful rum is. While this sing-happy singy singly sing, sing, sing (ring ting tingling too!) were singing their rum song, our favourite (most despised?) characters poofed back into the scene, appalled.

“OFMG YOU GUYSES ARE SINGING WITHOUT ME! I HATE THE WORLD!!” Bella shouted in rage, anger, and… happiness? She took out the deadly (rubbery? bent up? gorgeous?) rubber knife and started slashing around willy nilly silly!

“Bella, honey, babe, sweetness, SEXY… omg did I really say that out loud?” Jacob stuttered loudly so everyone couldn’t (could?) see (hear?).

“Vhat Jacob vas trying to say vas… PUT DA KNFIE DOWN SCHNITZEL!” Edward said in an oddly strong German accent.

“YAHHH TRICK YAHHH!” Bella rapped. “GET OUTTA MA FACE!” All the drunkards scream and tried to run away from the knife wielding monster but their drunkness held them back, laughing at them. Wait that can’t happen can it? Oh well…

Realization finally hit Emmett smack dab in the gut.

“Owwwwwwwwwwww that was mean! Stupid Realization!” Emmett muttered while he remembered. “Carlisle thy erasedeth me memoryeth so me could remembereth that you drinketh at work! ETH! Im calling DA FUZZ! Which thou art allergic to! ETH!”

“Damn…. Wait before you do that, lets have some RUM!” Carlisle suggested.

“RUMMMM!!” Afro-girl agreed.

“Wait,” Hugh Moungus said, “I must summon THE WIZARD!!! WIZAAAAAAAD!!!!”

Suddenly, a huge version of Hugh Moungus appeared.

“I’m the Alltel wizard. My name is Teenie Weenie. I like to- OFMG! Is that RUM?!?!?”

“Hell yea!” Bella confirmed. “I made it… at least I think I did…”

“Let’s Drink!” Carlisle cried. “To Bella, the maker of all this-”

At that moment, Alice poofed out of everywhere (nowhere?).

“Why wasn’t I invited to this fanfiction?” she pouted. “THE WRITERS FORGOT ME!!! You guys forgot me too! You are having a RUM PARTAYYY behind my back. I WANT RUM! GIMME THE RUM FOR ME IS THE RUM ROBBER…ER…”

Then, everyone watched Carlisle and Alice chug 4 bottles of run…each, they all started singing ‘What is this Feeling’ and doing the worm.

“OMG JASPER JUST CAME THROUGH NOWHERE (the door?)!!!” Bella cried in shock.

“Hey, guys/dudes/people/freaks/afros.” Jasper said coolly.

“Hey.” They all said lamely in response.

“My Barbie Dolls are putting on Spamalot. Wanna come?”

After various forms of saying yes, including Carlisle having bad gas and Bella stabbing herself with the rubber knife, they all disappeared into thick (thin?) air.