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It Doesn't Matter

Summary:
Twilight AU: After almost eighty years, Edward has finally returned to Carlisle and is welcomed into his new family. Edward's hunting habits are hard to break, though. Then he meets Isabella Swan and maybe, just maybe, she can be the one to change him permanently.


Notes:
For the sake of this story, Jacob is the same age as Bella


2. Chapter 2

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1545   Review this Chapter

One day. That was how long it had taken me to screw up. One measly day. I was so weak I couldn’t even survive a single day without having to run away. I might as well have not even returned in the first place.

I had tried to come back home once before. It was only a couple of years after I had first broken away from Carlisle. I remember walking towards his new house, feeling nervous and apprehensive. When I arrived, I discovered Carlisle hadn’t been living alone. There was a female with him, Esme. From his thoughts I gathered he loved her, his whole world revolved around her. She, too, felt the same.

That was enough for me. I wasn’t needed anymore. He had better company now. So I left, without even informing him of my reappearance. Why would he want me now? He had the perfect life. I was just a failure; a monster. Who could want me? I would be an ugly smudge on his shiny, new life.

Seventy-eight years are a long time to spend being alone. I understand that vampires, by rule, usually travel by themselves or in a pair, but that is not who I am. I did have the occasional acquaintance, but never anything more than that. I, for the most part, was alone.

Like I was now, sitting atop of a tree, on one of its highest branches. I had been here for at least three hours, too ashamed to go back home, too sick of wandering to head off on my own again. I didn’t know whether to be surprised, hurt, or relieved that no one had come to find me yet. Surely Alice must have seen where I was by now. I at least half expected Carlisle to come.

Oh well, it was better for me to be by myself. This way I can avoid the shame of having to face Carlisle’s perfect family, and spend my time trying to figure out what to do. I wouldn’t have to do this, though, if it wasn’t for that Swan girl. Just the thought of her name spiked my anger. What right did she have to waltz into my new life and ruin my chance at redeeming myself? She was just some insignificant human who was nothing to me. And to think of how hard I struggled just to keep me alive. I may as well have just killed her.

My eyes tightened. I didn’t want to go back to that. Not ever. I took so many lives.

I clenched my eyes closed and gripped my hair but it was too late. The memories were already shooting behind my eyes nonstop like a movie of my life in fast motion.

I stood over the man, my mouth to his neck. He tasted so delicious. It was like I had traveled a dessert and he was the first sip of water I had had in months. I straightened and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I turned to stare at the girl I had saved from the man. She was still frozen in her place in fright. The monster within me roared with hunger. I couldn’t control myself, I descended upon her too. It shouldn’t matter; she was supposed to be dead anyways.

I sat with my back against a tree, disgusted with myself. My throat was ablaze with fire. I hadn’t fed in weeks. Even my stomach was starting to cramp.

There was a rustle of leaves. A few twigs snapped. A long hiker was roaming the trail.

It was too easy. I was too overcome by my hunger. I couldn’t help myself.

It was over in seconds.

I started at the limp body in my arms. The tears that would never come filled my eyes. Why was I such a monster?

I threw my head back and screamed in agony. I panted a few times, trying to control my anger.

A hand appeared on my shoulder. “It’s okay Edward. We all make out own mistakes.”

“No, it’s not okay. How can you say that?” I asked angrily.

“Because I can remember what it was like when I was like you, hating my very existences, disgusted by everything I did. The only moves I made were the wrong ones. I know what it’s like to be fighting like you are.” I had seen the memories before. They were of Carlisle as a young man in England, trying to accept what he had become.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened,”

“I tried so hard not to kill her,” I said the difficult words. “The only thing that saved her was the fact that she reeked like werewolf. I practically chocked on the stench. All day long I had been doing so well! What made her so different from the others?”

“How was she different,” asked Carlisle.

“I don’t know. Her blood had the most tantalizing scent. I had never smelled anything like that before. It was like she was made just to tempt me. And I think all this even though she stank of wet dog.”

“La tua cantante,” I looked at him questioning. “Well, it appears that this Swan girl is your singer. Her blood sings to you. It isn’t uncommon in the vampire world.”

“Have you ever met your singer?”

“No but Emmett has. Twice, I think. Perhaps you should talk to him about it,”

I nodded. “What should I do?” I asked. I was enjoying our discussion, even if it was shameful on my part. It reminded me of how we used to be—before Esme and the others came along.

“What do you want to do?”

I thought for a moment. “I want to go back to school. I want to graduate. I think I can handle it.” After saying those words out loud, I felt that they were true. What was this human girl, trying to undermine my self-control? the one that I had worked on for months before I was finally deemed ready to be able to interact in society like the others. She had just caught me at a weak moment. Surely, that will never happen again.

“I can handle it,” I repeated, my words more steady.

Carlisle smiled. “Good. I think you should take the rest of the week off, though, just to be safe.” He jumped down from the tree and landed softly on his feet. I followed suit and brushed myself off. We walked home together in silence.

***

I inhaled deeply. There was a doe and her calf three and a half miles north, and a full grown stag two miles west. Neither sounded too appetizing but at least the stag would be better than the mother deer.

I headed west, in the stag’s direction, letting my hunting senses take over, closing my mind and having my eyes haze over leaving only my hearing and smell to guide me. Taking down the deer was nothing; just a quick snap of the neck and it was over. There was no fun at all, no exhilaration in the hunt. I tried not to gag as I attempted to abate my thirst.

The difference between animal and human blood was tremendous. First of all, animal blood never even stops the burning you feel in the back of your mouth, not like human blood does. Animal blood also tastes horrible. Especially deer.

I took slight comfort in the fact that no one else in Carlisle’s family would find anything better out here. The only thing you could find in this pitiful forest was the pitiful hoofed animals.

I disposed of the carcass telling myself that I had to learn to deal, seeing as I would be stuck on this diet for the rest of my existence. I still needed at least one more insignificant animal before I was ready to head back to the house. I took another deep breath.

I opened my eyes. Something actually smelled good. I took off running in that direction. My feet pounded against the ground as I ran faster and faster. The smell got stronger as I got closer. And then it was there, right in front of me, the most delicious smell in the world. There would hardly be a struggle. It would be over in seconds. I crouched.

“No Edward! Don’t!”

Two sets of restraining arms gripped my shoulders. I snarled. They were taking me away from what I wanted. They wanted it!

“Emmett, help!”

I fought harder but to no avail. I thrashed but couldn’t escape.

“Edward, snap out of it!” Alice’s voice screamed and rang through my head.

“Edward,” came Carlisle’s calm, gentle voice.

That did it for me. I sagged and pulled myself out of my hunting faze. As my eyes focused, they found a pair of large, brown eyes staring in horror at me.

Alice, Jasper, and Emmett quickly dragged me away, back into the forest, out of her view but it was too late. Isabella’s face told it all: I was a monster.