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Twilight Remix

Summary:
!!!!!!!!!!!!DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!! WE LOVE TWILIGHT!!! WE THINK IT IS AN AMAZING BOOK!!!! THIS WAS ENTIRELY A WORK OF FUN, CRACK INDUCED HILARITY AND EXHAUSTION. PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED. !!!!END OF DISCLAIMER!!!! *** This is a Twilight Parody...yeah...


Notes:
!!!!!!EXTRA DISCLAIMER!!!!! IF YOU HATED THIS, THIS WAS NOT A TWILIGHT PARODY. THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN BY NIGHTSKYDEITY...AND YOU'VE NEVER READ IT... !!!!!END OF EXTRA DISCLAIMER!!!!


1. Preface

Rating 4.5/5   Word Count 1706   Review this Chapter

Preface:

I had never given much thought to now I would die. Except for that time that I tripped down the stairs and broke my arm in seven unseemly places. Or that time when the clown at Gavin’s party scared me so much I fell into his four year old brothers pool and nearly drowned in the depths of its one foot of water. Or the time my mother cooked monkey brains and the grease surrounding his occipital lobe nearly took out my eye…and yeah….the time involving the tornado, Shetland pony and the Apollo astronauts. Okay, so maybe I thought about death a lot.

I could see the fork glint out of the corner of my eye. The woodsman’s bloodshot eyes lingered on me from across the room. With lightening fast reflexes he pulls a bib out of his lumberjack fanny pack He paused to reach up and tighten the knot behind his neck.

Surely it was noble to sacrifice yourself for your small, fluffy canine friend. I knew that if I had not came to Forks I would not be facing pointed death in the calloused hands of a lumberjack.

The lumberjack sauntered in a hungry way as he lurched forward to kill me.

Chapter One:

My mother drove me to the airport, the bouncy up and down thing jarring me every few seconds. I saw her out of the corner of my eye adjust her bright purple pimp suit. Oh Carlisle, my mother.

I hated Forks, the worlds capital of plastic fork production. My father was the head of security for the Forks, Fork Production Plant. But I had made the decision to go, not even the deadly scorpions and killer snakes that danced about my feet in our run down brothel could deter from my goal. Or the fact that my mother proudly called her girls there the “ugliest girls in Phoenix.”

I spent every Summer of my childhood in Forks. But I always missed my mothers tales of her Kindergarten class and the whores I grew up with. My father always made me look at his ever-expanding fork collection and I knew each one of their names. When I was fourteen I put my foot down. I was not going to go back to Forks. But I hadn’t expected this.

The flight to Forks consisted of seven transfers, a boat ride and near fatal attempt at hang-gliding. But what I was most worried about was the hour drive home in my fathers golf cart. My father had seen every episode of Passions.

However I gagged him quite thoroughly. I could still manage to hear a few of the sordid details of the latest episodes from the too small trunk. Upon arriving home and after removing my father and taking out his gag he presented me with a present. My very own fire truck, I was relieved I was not going to have to drive the golf cart to school. Those things always slow down traffic.

Upon coming to my room that night, it was exactly as I had remembered, crib and all. An onslaught of childhood memories hit me like a brick wall. The giant yellow ducks greeted me from the wall, bringing a tear to my eye. Though I was glad that my mother hated ducks after leaving my father. Her new obsession had recently become armadillos, which I might add is so much cooler.

Upon awaking I was greeted quite painfully by the incline of our A-Frame wall. I was not looking forward to today. In Phoenix I knew most everyone, being that their mothers all lived with me. But here I was an oddity. A strange girl with a fetish for Zoot suits. But that was a moot point.

On the way to school everyone seemed to pull over for me. I just wanted them to drive like normal. I didn’t want to feel so strange.

I arrived early at school, so I went by the front office to see about my schedule. I could tell the woman behind the desk loved living in Forks. The full size fork earrings were my first hint.

“I’m Beelzebub Duck.”

“Oh yes! Your father works over at the plant. Lovely man, we’re really close.” It was clear she wasn’t talking about distance.

“Here’s your schedule. You have Tragic Romance Classics, Conspiracy 101, Numbers, Mexican, Gymnasium and Bio-l-o-gy.” she pronounced every syllable of Biology.

“You’ll be expected to have your teachers sign this and bring it back at the end of the day.” she handed me a dusty scroll. She leaned in close. “We don’t get new students often.” her breath smelled of plastic. I found myself wondering exactly how close was close.

I walked to my first class. Upon arrival I was pleased to see I had watched most of the reading list. A boy named Eric offered to walk me to Conspiracy 101. I could tell he was the school outcast, mostly because of the “I heart Spoons” shirt he wore.

“You’re a brave man.” I commented as he walked towards me.

“Hey! You’re Beelzebub Duck aren’t you?!” he exclaimed.

I could feel my voice deepen and the fire appear behind my eyes. “It’s Beelz. With a Z.” I glower. “And two E’s.”

“Two L’s as well?” Eric squeaks, looking frightened.

“No.” I smiled. “Walk me to class?” I lay on the charm, as only a daughter of a Pimp would know how.

Conspiracy 101 flew by in a blur. I knew most of the information already, being I lived so close to Area 51. I even knew a few mutants. In Numbers we began watching the first season of the show. Mexican was also easy…yeah…

One girl, Jessica, sat next to me in both Numbers and Mexican. So we had lunch together. From our table I could see a group of kids sat off to themselves. No one was talking to them. I think it might have been the velvet ropes surrounding their table. But that’s just a guess. What struck me though, was their looks. They were prettier than my mothers prettiest whore, Isabella, though that wasn’t saying much. Most of them looked too old to be in high school. Two of the guys had full beards. The blonde girl looked rather like an aging starlet. And the other girls hair was cropped closely to her head. I wondered if she had been in the Marines.

But it was the youngest boy who caught my eye. He was a god incarnate and he was glowing. The radiance of his heavenly presence created fractured light, reminding of the disco ball I left behind in Phoenix. Only his cape hindered his glory from shining.

“Who are those people?” I turned to ask Jessica.

“Oh them?” she paused momentarily from chewing her gum to answer. “They’re the Colons.”

“The Cullens?” I ask, unsure of what she had said.

“No. The Colons.” she emphasized the word. “Like the body part.”

“No, the punctuation mark!” came a yell from somewhere behind us.

I turned back to look at the boy again.

“That’s Edward Colon.” explained Jessica.

He was looking at me strangely, as though he were the fork and I was the dish of ice-cream.

“They all live together with Carlisle Colon and his wife, Esme. And they’re all together.” she paused to point. “The two blonde ones are twins.”

“I don’t think they look much alike, sure they both had blonde hair, and gold eyes and unnaturally pale skin.” I paused. “Actually it looks kinda gray, like my moms fried monkey brains.”

“Anyway.” she nearly spat. “The other three are also siblings. Not related to the twins.”

“Yeah.” I agreed. “It would be strange to have blonde, black and red hair all in one family.

I spent the rest of lunch glancing over at my reddish brown haired god. I was surprised to find upon entering Biology with my new-found friend Angels that Edward was in my class. Being that the seat beside his was the only one left, I quickly took it. However, upon sitting, I became greatly disturbed, when, with lightening fast reflexes, he took out a fork and put on a bib. He looked at me the entire class with an angry, pained and hungry expression. Mostly hungry.

When class ended he raced from the room, but he left me feeling strangely sad. I both longed to see him again and was terrified.

“Ola.” said a boy behind me. I turned to look at him. “I’m. Mike. Newton. Norris. Are. You. Beelzebub. Duck?”

“No.” I snarled. “I’m Beelz. With a Z.”

“Whoa.” he leaned back dramatically. “Little. Lady. I-” he paused dramatically. “-wouldn’t. Have. Threatened. You. With. Utensils. Unlike. Edward.”

“Um…Thanks.” I answered. Finding this strange boy oddly off-putting. But at the same time feeling relieved I would not have to contribute much to the conversation.

“I-” he paused again. “-Would. Have. Taken. You. To. Dinner. Where. You. Would. Have. Eaten. With. Utensils.” he paused a third time. “Instead.” he concluded slowly.

“Yeah…but I just had lunch…and….I’m in class.”

He paused again pointing. “…True.”

I’d never seen someone’s eyebrows move that much.

I managed to get through Gym without getting tangled up in the net too many times. Of course that could be because Mike kept showing up to ‘untangle’ me.

Finally my long day was over and I headed back to the office. To my great horror and delight, Edward Colon was already there.

“Give me anything. Anything else please! I’ll take home-ec…towel folding, anything!” the front office lady looked skeptical, her forks dangling as she shook her head.

“The only class we have is Drama.”

“Oh Carlisle, no!” he dramatically exclaimed.

I heard the bell ringing as the door was opened behind me. “FIGHT! There’s a fight!” the person yelled and ran. But I paid no mind. I had surely seen much worse in my mothers whore house. However, my heart nearly stopped when Edward turned and glared at me. Rage and hunger on his face. Mostly hunger.

“Fine.” he growled. “I’ll stick with Bio-l-o-gy.”

I whimpered as he rushed past, his cape billowing in the wind.

“Have a good day Beelzebub?” the office lady asked.

“It’s Beelz.” I paused for dramatic affect. “With a Z.”