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I hate sitting here, listing to my angel scream in pain. There is nothing I can do for her. All I can do is sit here and hold her hand, and even that does nothing for her. I’ve gone back to writing in this journal, something I had packed away fifty years ago. Her pain rips through my soul as I sit here writing.

These are journal entries from the Cullen family, starting with Bella's transformation. It starts out in short chapter, but it will get longer.

3. Jasper-January 18

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January 18

I am sitting here in the darkness, no need to turn the lights on, writing. I let my Alice go on back with the rest of the family. I hadn’t been able to do it. It would have been too hard, on everybody. I had gotten within a mile of the house and had to stop. Bella’s pain had been so bad. I had almost collapsed when a terrible spasm rocked her body.

"Honey, go back north." Alice had said, standing beside me, one hand rubbing circles on my back.

I had looked into her light topaz eyes, seeing the understanding there. I knew that they would not hold it against me if I could not be in the house as Bella underwent the terrible change. It was something that actually hurt me. Edward wouldn’t want me there, my mind would be going back to the war.

Even as I stood there with Alice in the woods I was thinking about the newborn armies I had helped create. The screams as several went through the change. Feeling their agony. All the confusion that comes along with it. Edward wouldn’t want me there, I was no use at the house.

"Thank you, Alice. I’ll be in Alaska." I had whispered, stroking her short hair.

She leaned in and kissed me, standing on her tip toes.

We went in different directions. I went back north and Alice went to catch up with the rest of the family going south towards Forks. I hate being away from Alice. It makes me feel alone in the world. Her bright personality is not here to lighten my mood, to bring me back from the thoughts that threaten to overtake me.

The family here in Alaska tires to easy my suffering, thinking only of happy things. It doesn’t help though, only Alice can chase away the darkness that forms in my mind. I can not stay here.

I need to go back to Forks. I’ll take my time. I’ll move slowly. Try and get there on the last day of her change. I just can not stay here. I need my Alice. That’s why I’m going back. She’ll bring some light into the darkness that is taking over, even though we have been apart for less than a day, a few hours in fact.

I will go and make my goodbyes to Tanya and her family. I’ll go back to Forks, and hunt again on the way. It would not do well to not be on top of my game. It is like I am going to war, almost the same emotions are building up inside my chest. It is that anticipation of what is going to happen.

I find myself thinking about what Bella will be like as a newborn. Edward has so much faith in her, that she will not do any harm, and yet there is doubt there. Could it be that he will be like Carlisle and never kill a human, something that amazes me. I don’t think so. I think she will struggle with the thirst that controls the newborns.

I am ashamed to admit that I almost want her to struggle. I don’t want to be the weakest in the house. It would be a sick victory if she would kill a few people. If Edward was here right now I would be pinned to a wall with a very angry vampire in my face. He does not approve of the thoughts I have on this subject. The bet I made with Emmett almost set him over the edge one day.

Emmett thinks she might kill one person and be good. I bet against him. I remember the comment Bella made when she found out about the bet, maybe she will thrown in a few extra murders so that I win. I disgust even myself as I think about it. I must find something else to keep my mind busy.

I think I shall go ahead and go back to Forks. It would be easier. I shall think only of hunting as I make my way back to Alice, and of course I will think of her. That should keep my thoughts pure. Such troubles lay before us. A year of suffering laid out before us. What are we to do? How are we to help Bella Cullen?