"What exactly is she planning right now?"--Bella Swan, Chapter 21 banner by me :) What if Edward never returned when he first left Bella? Bella now has a second chance at love and life, but how exactly would her life be if Edward never returned? How would her life change when Edward comes back?
15. Tormented Thoughts
Rating 4.4/5 Word Count 2102 Review this Chapter
So I know I’ve been gone for a while, but Im back on track with school and stuff. So I will update waaayy sooner now :] Promise. Thank you for being super patient with me! You're awesome!!
On the last exciting chapter we had been visited by two lovable Cullens….and one not so lovable.
Now it's Bella's thoughts and 'subconscious'. A lot of Bella getting confused again by the voice in her head. Oh and some evil Connor Grandmother warning.
Chapter 15: Tormented Thoughts
"Bella, are you going to tell me who those people are, or not?" Connor pressed, on the plane ride back home. "Don't tell me 'no one', because I saw the way you reacted seeing the small woman." He sighed, "I also saw -- through the coffee shop's window-- the way you reacted when you saw that young man."
I looked into Connor's eyes. I tried to tell him, but I was still in udder shock about what had just happened. "I'll tell you," my voice sounded hoarse, "when I'm feeling better." I said honestly.
Connor looked like he wanted to continue to ask. Instead he patted my hand and gave me a small kiss, then went to sit next to Jasmine, who was sitting alone; Jake, too, was acting the way I was.
I looked over my shoulder to where Jake had seated himself, two rows behind me. His fists had no unclenched since we left the vampire scene. His eyes were still intense, his jaw still set, and his muscles flexed.
I wish I could be strong like that. Instead I was cowering like a small child against the monster under his bed.
I heard Connor move to Jake next, "who were those people?" He asked Jacob, not knowing I could hear him.
"Now's not the time to ask," Jacob said, his voice controlled but compelling. Connor cleared his throat and sat alone behind me.
I just wanted to be home and not talk to anyone. I wanted solitude and peace, so I could sulk.
Connor held my head gently as he kissed me, "you can talk to me when you're ready." He said looking in my eyes.
I kissed him a final time and nodded. "Goodnight." I said walking into the house.
It was lonely; I guessed Angela would be gone the whole night, seeing it was almost midnight.
Setting my coat on the couch, I realized there were voice messages on the machine. I went over and pressed the play button. There were two messages. From the same person, someone I would have rather not heard about at that moment.
"Bella," the voice in the speaker said, "it's Grandmother Margaret, I just wanted to continue that little chat we had the other day. When you get this message, please call me back."
I was surprised at how calm and sweet she sounded. The next message made me forget about thinking she sounded sweet in the first one.
"Avoiding my calls, I see. Well no matter, what I wanted to tell you I can say now. Stay away from my grandson you pathetic excuse for a fiancée. You are not fit to be named a ‘Mitchell'. You are not fit to be in my family, just like that low life my son married. I don't want my Connor to follow his father's steps. I'm sure you can understand that, right?" She paused, "the next time I see you near my grandson I hope you are cleaning his and his wife's house."
That was the last I could take that night. I fell to the floor and wept. I wanted to call Connor, but he didn't need as many problems as I had going on in my brain at that moment.
I decided to try and go to sleep.
I laid down on my bed and looked up at the darkened ceiling. My mind was going on an endless chase to find a sane spot to rest and not worry. Where I didn't think about the things that happened today; seeing them nor the unpleasant things Margaret has said over the phone. Unfortunately, today's events were inevitable by my thoughts. I thought more about seeing them again than what Margaret had said in the messages.
"I'm sorry, I just really wanted to see you again." Alice's voice lingered in my thoughts.
Alice's chipper face was interrupted by Edward's emotionless voice, "none of us have visited Forks for a long time,". A question clung to me when he said that. Did that mean that they had returned to Forks, even after they left?
I remembered wishing they would come back to me a year after they had left. Hoping they would somehow remember me and return. I imagined taking Edward back in my heart, feeling completely whole again.
It was obvious Edward had moved on by then. The gorgeous young female vampire named Melanie seemed to be completely head over heels for Edward. Judging by the ring I saw on her left hand, it was obvious they had known each other for a while.
A sharp pain seared my chest. I didn't want to think about the ring I had seen for just a fraction of a second, but made a big impact in me. He had to love her if they both shared identical rings, and for some reason, that pained me.
Which brought up more questions about him. Why would he make such a face when she entered the scene? Because I had found out he found someone new? Because he wanted to break the good news to me himself? Or did he not love her? I scoffed at the last one, my own juvenile self wishing he didn't. But why did I not want him to love her?
I clearly didn't love him anymore. Why, if I did love him, would I feel the rage inside me that I always felt when I thought of him. The impulse to hurt him as much as he did me. The wanting to see him as unhappy as he had made me. That's not love. But why did I wish he didn't love her?
Am I in denial? No. I was not. I unconditionally love Connor, by no means did I want to return to Edward.
I rolled to my side, frustrated I had been down that path of doubt once more. "Why did they have to come back in my life now?!" I nearly shouted.
My subconscious voice returned to deceive me once more. "Oh, you don't mean to say that, Bella." It entered fluidly into my thoughts, "you know you are thankful for seeing them. No matter how frustrated you are, you know you loved seeing them again...especially Edward." It paused, waiting to get a reaction from me, when it didn't it laugh. "See, I'm right.
"Your heart flew and fluttered with pure love and excitement when you saw Edward again, Bella."
I scoffed, it flew and fluttered with rage, maybe.
"Bella." A velvet voice said from behind me. I rolled to my other side. Creeping up from the ledge of the window, I saw tousled bronze hair. Followed by an angelic boyish face. He climbed into my room like the many times he had done so in the past. His face was sad and his eyes were warm and apologetic.
If it had been him crawling up my bedroom window a couple of years ago, I would have been ecstatic to see him. Instead, I felt my eyes sting with tears of anger. My throat seared and throbbed as the blood in my veins pounded. This was nowhere near love and excitement; this was rage.
"What the hell are you doing here?!" I shouted, getting up from my bed. He didn't move. I walked forward ready to shove him out. But when my fingers touched his clothes, he dissolved in my hands like smoke.
I stumbled over my feet and fell to the floor. I looked at the spot I knew I had seen Edward, wide eyed and confused.
Am I imagining it? Just my hallucinations acting up once again? But it felt like much more than a hallucination. I felt his presence, like he was actually here.
I scowled, got up and dusted myself off. How I wanted to let out my rage on him.
"Don't tell me you really don't want him, Bella." My ‘subconscious' returned. "Don't tell me you didn't feel a yearning for him?"
I was confident enough to answer this, "no, I felt nothing towards him. Only pure anger."
"Yes." I answered, getting frustrated with my own thoughts.
"I'm sure you are angry with him, but I also know that deep, deep, deep, down inside of you, somewhere, you want Edward Cullen back in your life. It's just hidden beneath all of that anger and wrath you have built up in the last couple of years." It paused again, "once all of that is out, and you have finally gotten out all your rage on him, you love for him will return." The voice in my head laughed.
I rolled my eyes, not believing any of it.
"What then?" It spoke again, "when your love returns for Edward, what would become of Connor? Will you really chose him over Edward?" It mocked me. "Connor's grandmother hates you, I'm sure you can use that as an excuse to leave him for Edward."
I felt a sharp pang, I was insulted by my own ‘subconscious'. "I would never do that to Connor; I love him too much." I stated.
"Do you..." The voice said in my head, "really believe that?"
"You don't love me anymore, Bella?" That was Connor's voice. He was directly in back of me, I could feel the heat from his breath from the top of my head.
I spun around, shocked. I could see the expression on his face -- heartbroken, tears trailing from his eyes. "Connor, I do love you." I spoke without thinking of the fact that Connor had appeared into my room without me hearing him.
"Don't...do this." He hid his face from me. My heart sank, those where the exact same words I had said to Edward the night he left me.
"Connor," my voice broke, "I'm not leaving you. I'm here, with you." I said my eyes in puddles.
"You...don't... want me?" My heart wrenched at those words, and it pained me more seeing that Connor was speaking them.
"I do want you," I said, trying to wrap my arms around him. However, much like ‘apparition' Edward, Connor, too, disappeared like smoke in my hands.
I sunk onto my bed, bewildered and shattered by the things my mind were creating.
"Tell me that wasn't painful." My subconscious said, as soon as I had managed to calm down. I didn't answer, I just glowered at the floor. "What I'm wondering now is what hurt more..." it trailed off, which got me interested in whatever is was going to say. "Did hearing Connor hurt pain you? Do you really love him as much as you say you do? Or was it the fact that you said those same words to Edward and he still left, that pained you more? Do you really not love him as much as you say you don't?"
I fell back on the bed, exhausted from the accusations given to me by my own thoughts.
"No answer, huh?" My thoughts persisted, "Imagine (since you don't believe you still love him), being accepted by Edward and his family once more? It's obvious Alice is still happy to see you, and Edward didn't run away when he saw you today. They both stuck around meaning they want you. If Edward still wants you, and him being the one who left, then the rest of the family would most likely take you back again. Except, maybe, Rosalie...and Melanie.
"But Melanie will be out of the picture if Edward wanted you back."
I groaned loudly, trying to make my own subconscious to shut up. "Stupid vampires!" I shouted, turned to my side, tears dripping down my face.
I shut my eyes, full of anger. Stupid vampires, returning back to me now. When my life is perfect and wonderful without them. They ruined everything.
Soon I drifted to sleep, if only it was a tranquil sleep.
Thanks for reading!!! What did you think? Do you think Bella's 'subconscious' makes sense? Is Bella that thickheaded? Who should she choose, if it comes to that, Connor or Edward?
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