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What Really Goes On

Summary:
What happens when the cameras stop rolling and the authors stop writing? The Cullens fall apart. When nobody is looking, they all go to pieces as a centuries worth of lost cookies comes back to haunt them all. My little mini-series. First: Bella gets pregnant. What happens to everybody?


Notes:


1. What would happen if it happened.

Rating 3.5/5   Word Count 896   Review this Chapter

Bella's POV :D

Holy shit, what a night I had. Here's some advice girls- Make love with Edward Cullen. It is the best thing you will ever do. Until you start puking all over the place the next day... Here's what happened.

FREAKING AWESOME FLASHBACK OF DOOM!

"WHEEEEE!!!! I'M GOING SO FASTTT!!!" I screamed as I sped down the freeway in my new Mercedes Guardian (which, contrary to popular belief, I loved to show off).

"... Umm, we're still in the driveway, Bella..." mumbled my nervous little Eddie-Cup from the backseat where he had 5 seatbelts on, as well as countless pillows tied to him.

"WHEEEEE!!!!! I'M PUTTING THE CAR INTO REVERSEEE!!!!!! HOLD ON TIGHT!!" I yelled as I put the car into reverse and sped out of the driveway at 1 mile per hour.

"STOP!" hollered nervous Edward "You're going WAY too fast!!!"

After 25 straight hours of fighting about how fast I was going (1 mile per hour), we finally made it to Shoppers Drug Mart... Which just happened to be right next door to our new vacation home.

"YEAH! SHOPPERS DRUG MART!!!!!!!!" I screeched as I lept out of the car, ripping the seatbelt out in the process (as I still had it on).

"I'll wait here so I'll be safe when rabid snails invade the store..." mumbled nervous Eddie-Cup.

I ran into the store, into the washroom, and puked... Again. I knew what I was looking for (sorry, not licorice). After I got the pregnancy tests, I went to check out. And what a surprise! My stalker, Jacob Black, was the cashier.

"HI JACOB! Jacob's girlfriend" I said as I nodded to the psycho bitch in the "Jacob and I would have good puppies together" t-shirt (I know... Lame).

"uhhh.... Hai Belluh." said Jacob in his stupid retard voice. "Awww snap. You ain't pregnunt, is ya?"

"I HOPE NOT! AHAHAHAHA!" I yelled "But Edward and I did have sex. It was fun and-" I continued as I told them every detail of that night and watched Jacob's girlfriend's expression go from horror, to joy, to thoughtfulness, and I'm sure she had an orgasm somewhere along those lines. Jacob's face didn't change, as he was too busy trying to eat his foot to pay attention.

"Well, see ya!" And with that, I skipped out of the store with my tests... And Edward's anxiety medication.

The first thing I did when I got home (after putting a floppy hat on Alice's head) was run upstairs and pee on the tests. I had to let them sit for 10 minutes, so I ran downstairs. There was so much I could do in 10 minutes.

I started with giving Edward bath, because he was afraid that if I wasn't there, a squid would come up from the drain and eat his fourth toe from the right on his left foot.

By the time 10 minutes was up, I had managed to put 12 glow sticks up my nose, place mines under Emmett's mattress, and stare at Rosalie while she played Mah Jong. Oh, and I also helped emo Jasper cut himself. I videotaped it for him.

I ran upstairs and saw that all of the tests said that I was pregnant.

I was really mad, so I started yelling at my stomach. I can't repeat what I said, because what I said has bee nbanned from every province, territory, and state, excluding Nunavut. I had to know how this could be possible. I went over to my night stand to grab my water bottle, and noticed that Edward's condom was unopened. That could explain it...

Since there was no way to reverse time, I decided that I had to tell my family. After Carlisle had everybody gathered, I told them.

"I'm pregnant, because Edward is afraid of condoms and didn't put it on while we were... Playing."

There were mixed reactions throughout the room.

Edward: -runs to panic room-

Jasper: Damn. -starts twirling around- I could kill it, if you'd like...

Emmett hollered down to the panic room "I SEE YOU'VE BEEN WORKING HARD!". Edward reply was a simple whimper.

Rosalie gave me her signature "Tch", and Alice told me she was happy and started staring at a dust bunny while singing songs about elephants and tamborines.

Esme: OOO! I need to knit some baby booties! Bella, chartreuse or argyle?

Carlisle simply giggled (I knew that he was imagining how this happened).

For some reason, that's when I realized that I was pregnant. I ran out of the house, trying to get away from the baby that was inside me, and I never came back. Now I live in the small town of Emo, Ontario, with a girl named Hazel. I did manage to run away from the baby inside me, so I'm not pregnant anymore. Esme gives Edward his baths now, but I do sometimes wonder what happened to the baby...

SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH POLE

"Santa, come here! You gave me a baby, didn't you? You DID read my Christmas list!" said Mrs. Claus.

Santa replied with a "Yes I did. Because I can make random unborn babies fall out of the sky. That's what makes me SANTA CLAUS!!!"

And we all lived happily ever after... I think.