banner by me :) Edward contemplates over the fact that he could lose Bella once more…. Remake to my fic “Doubt”.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The characters and plot are the property of THE LOVELY Stephenie Meyer. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
1. Chapter 1
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1509 Review this Chapter
I decided to get out of the house, everyone’s thoughts were suffocating me; I needed time for my own thoughts. No one objected; they were all into their own thoughts and business to pay attention to me.
I sighed as I got out into cold night air. It stopped raining, for once, so the night was clear and the moon was bright and big in the vast darkness. I could see the twinkling stars up above my head, making the night sky beautiful.
I took in a deep breath and walked along the right side of the house, heading over into the woods. Each step I took was a reminder that Bella could choose Jacob and leave me. Every second my heart crumbled as the thoughts dawned on me; she could choose Jacob over me.
Of course she had the right to choose who she wanted, whatever made her happy, I would be all right with it.
I sighed. No I wouldn’t be all right with it, but I would just have to accept the fact that she would. I could accept it. I had to; I could not beg Bella to choose me over selfishness. I could never do that to her, it would be the worse kind of hurt for her, not being with the person she loved.
If Bella chooses Jacob over me I would have to accept it. He could make her happier in many ways that I could never. He could give her a family, little babies that she could have with him, made by their love. She wouldn’t have to abandon her human life, she could be free exploring the world, the sunny world than be stuck in the shadows forever. Her human life will give her joy and a life, until it was finally over. When her life was over, she would have lived a better life than with me.
I sighed; I had walked far enough into the woods for my family to know I needed privacy. I sunk into the wet earth and began my train of thought once again.
She accepted your wedding proposal, the voice in the back of my head told me, pointing out hope in my doubtful mind.
I scoffed. She could easily retreat and deny marrying me as easily as she had said yes.No she wouldn’t, she would never do that, the voice told me.
I shook my head at the pathetic voice. Of course she could.
What would happen if she did? Would I stop her? Would I beg her?
No. That would upset her.
I will let her.
How could I been so stupid as to leave her? If I hadn’t left she would never had fallen into the arms of Jacob. She would still be mine, only mine. Leaving her was the cause of this. How could I leave my angel?
I wanted a better life for her. But since I came back I had brought misery and pain to her. Why would she want that?
I remembered the first time I saw her; the curiosity and anger one simple human had brought me. But she wasn’t simple, she was more complex than anyone I had ever met, and that along with her beauty and all her acceptance towards me was the reason I fell for her.
I had never fallen in love with anyone in my century of living. Never. And I could lose her at any second.
You won’t lose her, you won’t, Edward, the voice reassured me.
I had to roll my eyes at it. Could it not see all the logic that my thoughts forced through no matter how I didn’t want that to be true?
I heard soft breathing next to me, and I knew that my private time was ruined.
“What, Alice?” I asked, my voice sounding harsher than I intended it to be. I cleared my throat and stared at her apologetically, but she wasn’t looking at me. It didn’t seem to me like she was looking at anything. She was staring blankly at the ground next to me. Her eyes wide and her pupils grew larger than normal. I knew that look.
I waited until she was sucked out of her vision to ask what she wanted. I saw her pupils fix themselves into their normal state and she began to blink rapidly.
“What do you want, Alice?” I asked when I could tell she was back into this world and out of her vision universe.
She looked at me puzzled. Her eyes seemed sad. Instead of asking the question I could tell was forming in her head she asked another to distract herself. “What are you doing on the floor?”
I glared at her, still trying to focus what she was going to ask, but it was all obscured by thoughts of what she would wear tomorrow.
I shrugged. “Thinking.”
“Bella.” I said after a moment of silence.
She nodded. I read in her thoughts the question forming into her head again. She peeked at me through the sides of her eyes.
“What?” She asked annoyed as I raked through her head, and again she covered up the question with another thought.
I rolled my eyes, as her thoughts lingered to how hot Jasper would look in the leather jacket she just bought him.
“Alice ask your question or go away.” I asked, meaning to sound angry this time.
She bit her lip, “Wait. Okay. I’m trying to word it so it won’t sound bad. Get away from my head right now.”
I obeyed her, leaving her thoughts alone as I trailed off into my own.
She sighed. “Okay.”
I waited for her to begin speaking.
She looked at me puzzled again. “Edward why is your future looking bad? What are you planning? You can’t possibly leave Bella again, can you?”
“That’s three questions.” I said expressionless. I knew she would ask this. But I was surprised to find my thoughts having suicidal consequences.
She sighed exasperated awaiting my answer.
“I’m not planning to leave Bella, not again, not ever. Not unless she wants me to leave…” I trailed off looking at the questionable look on Alice’s face. She didn’t answer waiting for me to explain. “What I mean is if she chooses Jacob instead of me.”
Alice raised one of her eyebrows. “That’s stupid Edward, you know Bella love you and only you.” She scoffed rolling her eyes at me.
“That’s not entirely true, Alice.” I said my voice lower than a whisper.
She looked at my sad expression. A more confused look on her face formed at the last words I had spoken. “What to you mean?”
“She loves him, too.” I said unable to speak his name without my jaw clenching and my hands balling into fists, and no doubt my eyes turning black.
Alice laughed. “No she doesn’t. You’re jumping to conclusions, Edward. I think you’re a little cynical.”
I looked at her straight in the eyes and she stopped laughing. “I heard her in his head.” I explained to her. “And she kissed him.” I dropped my head from her gaze at the last sentence.
I stared at the bright shimmering stars above my head, clouds beginning to form once again, obscuring the beauty of the night sky. Mimicking my mood. Dark. Gloomy. Broken.
Alice stared at me, I could feel her gaze boring to the side of my face. “That can’t be.” She murmured.
“It is Alice. And I can loose her.” I stared up at her. I meant to be strong but the next words betrayed me, my voice broke, “I can’t loose her.”
“You won’t.” She took my arm in hers.
“You can’t be sure of that.” I said getting up. “Don’t follow me.” I said and without another word I ran deeper into the forest, hoping for the privacy I desperately needed. With my family clinging on to me whenever they noticed I was gloomy, there was never any moment at peace.
Alice didn’t follow. She left me to my thoughts. As she was stuck in her own.
Alice saw me being ‘suicidal’ again? Was that what I would succumb to once again?
What would I do if I loose Bella?
What will I do once the moonless night returns? When the meteor and fire once again faded into the horizon…forever?