Misery At Best
She always had a choice. He however did not. The nonsensical journey of Edward after Bella chooses life and ultimately Jacob over him. There was never a doubt in his mind of where he would be, waiting in the shadows.
1. Chapter 1
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You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I would give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
-Miserable at Best Mayday Parade
There was always that piece of me. That irrepressible, nagging bit that knew it was the right thing. The only real way to have her be exactly what I wanted her to be, human. And yet I was able to force that piece so far down within me that I could hardly hear it’s cries of protest, it’s obnoxious truth screaming to be heard.
I let myself be fooled. Let myself believe that I was enough. That a monster was an even exchange for the lifetime that I was going to take from her. Even when my mouth moved to argue for her humanity, for her life, I wasn’t listening to the words as they fell from my mouth. I was only watching her reaction. Waiting would be a more appropriate word, because every other time it had been sudden and vehement and solid. She wanted me.
The last time I let that piece voice its concern it was merely a formality. The final step in a long drawn out process that would make her mine for eternity. And I couldn’t just push through it. I had to let that last shred of nobility tear through.
I waited for my own mouth to cease movement so I could hear her protests once again, but instead she lowered her eyes, her face from mine. It was almost enough to make the words themselves halt, but they were already marching forward like the annoying army of truth they seemed to think they were. She inched every so slowly away from me and I missed her warmth immediately.
The words halted and silence crept in. Covering the walls and the floors with its uncomfortable blanket. I tried to shove it off, willing my mouth to move again, but it was dry. Devoid of words for this situation. I listened to her ragged breaths as they broke through to me, each one wounding my emotional armor.
This was not supposed to be happening. Not to her. Not to my Bella. She was always so sure about this. She was the one who convinced me, endlessly pleaded with me for this ending. When she finally looked up, I knew her words before the pierced the air. There had been no break in my efforts to read her thoughts, but her eyes spoke to me. They reached through to mine and asked for my forgiveness, for my understanding.
“I wish I could be sure. I wish I could tell you that I wouldn’t miss anything, but I…” her voice was weak and confused. I steeled my jaw to resist reaching out to her. Her heat would surely be the end of me now.
“I could never love anyone the way I love you, but…”
I hated that word, that pause. It held infinitely possibilities for my demise. Slowly I felt that dreaded piece expanding through my body rapidly. Relishing in its moral victory as it snaked it’s way into every corner of my body. It made me hard, giving the appearance of strength while masking my emotional collapse.
The rest of her words were etched into my skin as she sobbed, cried and whispered her reasoning. I try not to look at them often and I like to think that they will never fade just as she never will.
Our last moments together are hazy. My mind had locked itself down to feebly protect itself from anymore damage that I can hardly bring that moment to the surface even thought I try often. All there is is her shadow over me as she cast her eyes and her lips down to me one last time and then darkness. Immovable, solid darkness.