The Ancients Go to Therapy
Well, as we may have noticed, the ancients (Aro, Marcus, and Caius) have some...problems. Issues, if you will. So here's a little series of one-shots (though I'll never know the true definition of that term), beginning with Caius - the pyromaniac. *This originally was just going to be "Caius Goes to Therapy" but then I realized that Aro and Marcus have some issues too. Aro might possibly be gay (even though he has a wife...), and Marcus is just SO excitable.
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“You wanted to see me?” Aro asked, sitting down on the chair carefully, his long robe falling around him.
“Yes,” the man began. At the sound of his voice, Aro frowned – he did not tolerate boredom. This man sounded very bored.
“Good, because I’d like to talk to you about my brother,” Aro started, talking very fast and with a slight lisp. “I’ve always wondered if he had a real power, you know. And his obsession with pyromania scares the living daylights out of me. And-”
“Aro, please,” the man said, holding up a hand. “We’re not here to talk about your brother. We’re here to talk about you.”
“We are? But I never signed up for counseling. You see I don’t have any problems – not pyromania or depression or anger management problems like dear little Jane. And I don’t think-”
“Please, Aro. Allow me to speak.” Aro frowned at once – he did not like being told what to do. But this man was rather nice about it, and he did smell rather good. Maybe if Aro behaved, he might get to kill him.
“Now, Aro, tell me – how long have you liked men?”
“Well, I’ve always liked men. They make nice companions – you know it’s impossible to get a woman to completely sympathize with you. And I’ve always liked my brothers – we share a bond that no one can break. And I have a few friends on the guard that are male, and they’re rather friendly. Always calling me master – although everyone else does – and-”
“Allow me to rephrase,” the man said, cutting Aro off once more. “When did you realize that you didn’t like women?”
Aro’s eyebrows came together in confusion. “But I do like women. I like my wife, and then there’s little Jane – she’s always such a pleasure. And then there are some female members of the guard that I like; like-”
The man held his hand up again. “I don’t think you’re fully understanding me, Aro. What I mean to say is – how long have you been gay?”
Aro smiled and launched into speech. “Well, I think I’ve always been gay. I’m just so gay and happy all the time because there are so many things to be happy about! There are birds that chirp out in the city square, there is beautiful sunlight streaming in the windows, and a perfectly cloudless blue sky. I have wonderful brothers and friends and-”
“No, Aro,” the man said, beginning to get a bit frustrated. “I mean gay, as in homosexual.”
For a moment, Aro sat staring at the man in wide-eyed shock. And then he burst into hysterical laughter, startling the small man and causing him to jump.
“You think-” He broke off laughing. “Homosexual?” More laughter. “Haha…you actually…hahaha…think that…ahaha…I’m gay?” He wrapped his arms around his stomach, laughing. The man just sat in silence, waiting for Aro to calm down. “Aaahhh that’s a riot. Haha…hah…hahaha…haha…hah. Aaaaaaah.” Aro stopped laughing for a moment, but then continued again. “Wait…haha…haha…hah…okay…haha…aaahhh… hah…hah…okay, okay. I’m done now.” He chuckled just once more before falling completely silent.
The man tested the silence, waiting for Aro to begin laughing once more – but he didn’t. “You seem to be surprised that I came under that assumption, Aro. Why is that?”
Aro smiled, attempting to hold back laughter. With a hint of hysteria in his tone, he spoke, “Because it’s so…silly! It’s the most irrational thing I’ve ever heard – I have a wife, and lady friends...and,” he turned his nose up in a show of pride, “my colon has not been punctured.”
“Colon?” The man asked, raising one eyebrow in a puzzled expression. “You mean rectum?”
At the very sound of the word ‘rectum’ Aro began laughing hysterically once more, to the point where the man considered calling in the white coats for some sedation.
“Please be serious, Aro.”
Suddenly, Aro stopped, angered beyond belief. “What? I KNOW you did NOT just tell ME what to do.” He stood and got all up in the man’s “grill”. “Uh-uh girfrieeeennnd.” He snapped his fingers in front of the man’s face.
“Aro, please. I know you want to deny it, but sometimes we just have to come to terms with some things. There’s nothing wrong with being a homosexual – why, some very important people are homosexuals. There’s George Bush, and George Clooney, and George Washington (with the cherry tree fetish) and Michael Jackson, and Bill Gates, and John Stewart. In today’s world, it’s very normal to be gay.”
“But I can’t be gay, man! What about the ladies? THE LADIES! The ladies dig me, man! And if they knew I was into men, they’d be like, “EW NO!” And how do I get some from a man?”
“Aro, I’d prefer if you referred to sexual intercourse in a better term. Like ‘love’ or ‘sex’ or ‘action’. ‘Some’ is a very vague term. And as for your question, there are many ways to fulfill your sexual desires with a man.”
“BUT I DON’T WANT IT UP THE BUTT! MY BUTT IS TOO FRAGILE!”
“Now, now – that’s not the only way,” the man droned on, as if he knew anything about homosexual relationships. “Just think of lesbians – they have noting to ‘go’ into anything, so what do they do? I’ll tell you,” he licked his lips in a disturbing way before continuing, “they –”
“NOOO!!! MY EARS! MY INNOCENT VIRGIN EARS!!!!!!” Aro howled, pressing his palms over his ears in apparent agony.
He looked back up to the therapist, who had a weird glint in his eye as he slowly advanced on Aro. Aro’s eyes widened in fright, and he let out a bloodcurdling scream before bolting out the door.
“MARCUS’S TURN!” He screamed one final time. The therapist sat back down, a little bit disappointed.