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Of Thoughts and Dreams

Summary:
Edward's musings and thoughts. The story picks up the night before he returns to school. He's trying to put the "Bella buisness" behind him, but wonders if he really wants to.


Notes:
It would belong quite early in the book, around the middle of chapter two of "Twilight".


1. 1: Edward Listens to Clair De Lune

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1532   Review this Chapter

Edward had imagined the way that this could unfold too many times in his head when he was alone with the house so silent, yet none slept. He needed to concentrate on something else. He tried to force himself to think about botany, or cars, or the strange foods that humans found appetizing. There was that word again: appetizing. He cringed, and shook his head furiously. He knew that it was a futile action. This knowledge didn't change the facts. He had to disrupt the battle ground that was being fought over by his worst and best self. He must not think of her. Beauty, thy name is Bella. He let out an involuntary sigh.

He put on the album that he had replaced again and again as each one had become worn out over time, even though he could hear it perfectly well in his mind without the need of digital playback. The song was Clair De Lune. Edward sighed, though he didn't need the air in his lungs. Those tones that never ceased to cloud his mind made the thoughts and voices of others drift far away, and into the darkness of the night that had surrounded his life for so long. Only another person with his gift for hearing people's thoughts could understand his desire for complete silence. For, in reality, there never is complete silence.

Edward's "life" was an endless monotony of patterns and habits. So often, if it weren't for the music that had become his escape all of those lifetimes ago, he was sure that he would have found a way to end it all. Thanks to the music, and his "debt of life" that he owed to his "father", any form of forfeiting his life was an impossibility for him.

In so many ways, it could be argued that he should have been left to die in peace back in those last few moments before his heart ceased to beat. Yet, he was also what some would call too "human", and others would call too "divine" to argue with the fact that Carlisle had acted from a heart that had been filled with love. Carlisle had been forced to lock away his heart and need for companionship for so long a time that the word "loneliness" couldn't begin to describe it. Edward had become the son that Carlisle could never have.

It is true that it had taken Edward quite some time to get beyond the feelings of resentment that his new "life" had brought as one of its many welcoming gifts. There had been times that Edward had hurt his adoptive father, and there had been times that he'd also needed to forgive grievances.

Through all of the afore mentioned times, music had been his constancy. Even after Carlisle had added Esme to their little family, even after Rosalie and Emmet. Even after Alice, who had brought Jasper along with her. Music had always been his escape that he didn't have to share with anyone. It both filled him and emptied him out, yet it never seemed to satisfy the longing of his forever-frozen-in-time seventeen year-old heart.

With every tone, every note, every sharp - and every flat; Edward had felt that if only he could only share this excess of feeling that filled his heart with another that somehow understood, then he would no longer need to hide.

Yet, all of the others of his kind that he had met simply hadn't been "the one"; and Edward had never been one to settle-or to cause others to settle for less than they deserved. In life or even a mere shadow of it (as he saw his own life), didn't everyone feel the need to be understood and to understand another? To him, it all seemed so magical and so forbidden; the thought of having another person share their entire self with him and to accept all that he was in return.

Where do the lovers of such an unconventional love go when they cease to exist? Edward leaned his head back, and he studied the imperfections in the ceiling of his room. He knew that, for himself, he didn't dare to hope for a happily forever after.


Edward knew that he would trade even his most prized possessions for even a few moments of true, and absolute love. To share mutual love with someone would be worth any price, even if it weren't for the entire duration of his existence.

As the song plays on in his mind, Edward sighs. He had begun his midnight roaming through the house, as he often did when he was lost in thought. His fingers swept over the keys of his piano as he saluted the lover that he doubts that he will ever meet. Who can truly love a monster that hates what it is? Even if it's a monster that tries to defy its nature?

He lifts an empty glass, one of many props that his "mother" has left around the house in various places, and clicks it against his teeth as a simple reminder to himself that he can both hear and feel. It's just a habit, something to break the moment when it seems as if it's about to swallow him whole.. Far too many times, he's "awakened" as if from a trance, and felt the familiar and hollow feeling of being "hung over" from his own thoughts. In those moments, existence becomes one of the most painful blows that his "life" affords. Who would ever want to fall in love with a monster?

When there is a world filled with beautiful and fragile living things that live out their purpose, and then die; who would want to love an unnatural monster that had watched so much of the life that surrounded him struggle to just survive and live, and die? At times he's felt as if life mocks his kind, the ones that must accept life as enough truth in and of itself. It is as though they truly aren't allowed to be a real part of the world that they exist within. As if they are trespassers every day that they "live" in a world that wasn't created for his own kind.

Edward looked around his room, half surprised that he'd absentmindedly walked through the all of the empty rooms in his home. He found himself to be lounging in the comfortable leather chair that was was the most inviting thing about his room. The song still played on, and a hint of a smile passed over his face.

Tomorrow, he would go back to her. The time and the place..and the people that surrounded them wouldn't matter. He had tried to do this the way that he had thought to be the safest and best for too long now, and he had failed. Edward shook his head and snorted quietly in disgust. He was not used to failing at anything.

Edward decided that it was time to be reckless again. He cringed slightly as it occurred to him that this time, more lives than just his own or his father's could be put at risk. His jaw set tightly, as if bracing for impact as more powerful still, came the resolve that flooded his entire being. Even though he knew that he may be sealing his own fate and the fate of those that he loved, this was the first time that he simply wouldn't resist satisfying his own heart.

A part of him had been awakened to the point that it had taken over his entire being. In that blessed moment, when he had seen the shocked, yet wistful look in her eyes as he'd tried so hard to avoid the temptation to take the life that he'd just saved. The very thought of his craving had made him disgusted with himself, and he'd had to remember that though he were a monster, he wouldn't have to do what his body longed for. He could be stronger than that. He would have to be. Too much depended on it, not the very least of which was his heart. His heart that, if it were possible, had begun to beat with a new life in the moment that he'd looked into her eyes.

He looked out of the window and nodded as if she were out there somewhere, amongst the stars. "Until tomorrow", his new-found heart whispered. What were a few more hours, until he could truly smell her and feel all of it come flooding over him again? Just a few more hours until that blissful agony would again be his. In the table of lengths of an endless span of time, it was mere milliseconds. So, why then, did it feel as if he couldn't breathe-just at the very thought of being with her again?

Yes, it was true that he was a monster, that he would not deny.. But, even monsters know the difference between shadow and light.