Leah Clearwater isn't going to let Sam Uley stop her from things she likes. If she has to edit them a little, that's her problem. And she isn't hitting that fast-forward button every six seconds because of him. Of course not. When she is alone, she turns up the music loud enough that it drowns out everything, her own thoughts and everyone else's. It doesn't always work. One-Shot, unrequited Sam/Leah
Yeah, so i was listening to my iPod on shuffle, and all these songs came up, and they all just SCREAMED leah at me. so she may wax a bit song-ficy, but this actually isn't a song-fic. it just has some lyrics in it. THey belong to Blin-182, Blue October, Imogen Heap, Death Cab for Cutie, Avril Lavigne and the Dresden Dolls. Sam, Emily, Leah, and Jake, and Bella, are Stephenie Meyer's. Set during while Bella and Edward are off on Isle Esme honeymooning: after the wedding and before their return. Adult for Leah's naughty words and drug abuse.
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1795 Review this Chapter
Leah Clearwater walked. Every day, twenty-four miles at the crack of dawn, from her house off La Push Avenue to the Forks Thriftway to buy herself a coffee, and back again.
It was quite a distance, especially for her human form. She could always do it phased. She justified it with a laugh. After all, a wolf would look pretty funny with an iPod. But the real reason was that she wanted to get away, just for a little while, from the thoughts, from the voices in her head.
She wanted a blank mind.
The third day she walked, she’d figured something out. If she turned the volume up on her iPod all the way, so it blasted in her eardrums loud enough that it hurt, she could not think about the lyrics. All she could hear was blasting drumbeats and her aching head.
It was brilliant. Unlike Jacob’s leechlover, she wasn’t one to give up things she liked just because Sam Uley was an ass who broke her heart into a hundred thousand little pieces.
But she needed a catharsis. She had to stop thinking, when it was the only thing that even could be on her mind.
She smoked, her two packs of Marlboros every single day, but it wasn’t like that did her any good. Werewolves don’t exactly get addicted—she’d probably need an IV drip directly into her bloodstream to get drunk, and she only smoked because it got a response out of Sam.
“It’s dangerous, Lee. You’ll get hurt.”
Her answer was a most eloquent, “Fuck you.” She honestly didn’t care what he wanted her to do.
“Lee… if it hurts you, and I know you’re doing it because of me, it’ll be my fault. How am I supposed to live with your blood on my hands when…”
He had extended those hands, like she was supposed to be the same thing he did there. But she understood his mind. He was still seeing Emily’s blood on his paws, from the scars he’d given her.
Leah had no pity for his pain. She had plenty of her own. “I don’t give a damn. Besides, you’ve got plenty of my blood on your hands, if it’s guilt you’re concerned about. You’ve caused me plenty of agony, plenty of pain. More than enough, Sam. And I don’t think a little emphysema here or there will do any harm.”
He’d only sighed and walked away, leaving her alone for once in her life. It was the only time except her hikes that she could be solitary, thinking about her pain, or rather ignoring it.
It was so easy. If she only thought about the last line in the song and the one coming up next, if she didn’t relate every single stinkin’ one to her personal life, she could actually enjoy it. She didn’t always choose music she actually liked, but it was enough to hear the sound, blasting in beats that were nothing more than meaningless.
Together, doesn’t feel right at all, together, we’ve built a wall, together, holding hands we’ll fall… When I’m alone, I feel so much better, and when I’m around you, I don’t feel at all.
Damn it, oblivion would be an improvement. But she did feel better, when she was alone.
My thoughts lie choking, on you my dear…
Damn it all. She hit the fast-forward button, a soft click in her ear.
In the car, I just can’t wait, to pick you up for our very first date…
This should be safe. She turned it up even louder, as high as it would go, and her sensitive ears ached at the pressure. But she didn’t care. It was better than listening to the silence of her heart breaking.
When you smile, I melt inside, I’m not worthy for a minute of your time…
“Emily, I’m so sorry,” was all he ever said. The second he touched her with those angry claws, he forgot all about the other woman he tore in two.
Let’s go, don’t wait, this night’s almost over, honest, let’s make, this night last forever…
Leah would really have much rather her first date with Sam never ended. Or her last, for that matter. If only she could have prolonged her time with him, stretched the last day they didn’t know was such a final ending into eternity, everything would have been much better. Once, they would have been happy simply in one another’s presence, with nothing more for all of time.
If only that day had not ended—but it did, and it brought the end of her pretty little fairytale.
She skipped to the next song. You can only take so much, really.
Somewhere, far away from here, are soft stars, stars that I could reach…
The place where she’d touched stars, where she’d been one with a beautiful world existing now only in dreams, was so very far away. Miles and miles gone, true, but still there. Still tangible, still real… but only she cherished it now.
And the song continued. Such a beautiful love. Heartbreakingly intense and obviously internal, described with words and phrases she remembered from what had turned out to be simply lies.
I swear on everything I have and more, you make the sound of pulling heaven down, you brought the rain’s romantic core, you make the sound, you make the sound, of pulling heaven down… Going further than I ever have, before, leaving all who broke your heart upon the sho-
She angrily interrupted the music. It got in one last punch before the cut-off. Further than he ever had before, indeed. Much, much further, because she was little more than a game. How could normal love like Leah ever compare to something as perfect and magical and wonderful as Emily?
She stamped her foot against the ground and paused the music for a second, taking a deep breath before continuing, her feet speeding up with every step on the ground beneath her.
Is that seat taken, Congratulations…
Leah remembered Jacob whining about this song when she’d hummed it during the last pack meeting. It was too perfect for them, he’d said. Bella all over, his tears at her wedding, shaking with fury—but Leah really didn’t think so. After all, Jacob never had Bella, and there was definitely a time when Sam was hers—and she still had to look at him every day, read his mind and see the delirious, hysterical, nonsensical happiness.
Something I’ve been wanting to give to you for years, my heart: my heart my pain won’t cover up, you left me, ah ha ha ha.
Leah winced. Yes, he did, and somehow hearing it just like that was far too much to tolerate. That one simple phrase. He left her. And there was nothing more to it than that. All the supernatural was an excuse, a complication, another pain. In the end, it was simple. He left her.
I came to see the light in my best friend, you seem as happy as you’d ever been…
She was going to go to the damn wedding. She had the ugly pink dress and everything picked out already, something more complex than the outfit she wore in and out of wolf form.
She wasn’t doing it for Sam. In the end, after everything, Emily was still her very best friend in the whole world, and she wanted to see her happy. Even if it was with the man Leah loved.
My chance of being open was broken, and now you’re Mrs. Him.
No comment. Just… just… no comment, okay?
She was absolutely determined to make it through this song. How pitiful is that, not being able to listen to a whole song on her own iPod because her heart’s too broken? She can do this.
My words they don’t come out right, but I’ll try to say I’m happy for you…
She tried to be, honestly. As hard as she could, she wanted to share in their bliss, to channel Sam’s happiness and that glowing smile Emily always wore on half her face nowadays, to hide the misery underneath it.
It didn’t work.
I can’t change your mind, you left me…
She swore, loudly enough that a little old lady coming home from doing her shopping turned to glare, and then skipped that song.
The next song started with an excessively long introduction. She bounced gratefully in time to the strumming of a guitar. Excellent.
You gotta spend some time, love, you gotta spend some time, with me, and I know that you’ll find, love…
“Look, Em, just give me a chance. Please. I know… you’ll find out. This can’t only be true for me. You have to love me.”
Another oath. Five minutes of intro weren’t enough, apparently. The first verse brought back a flood of memories, conversations she’d shamelessly spied on. Well, Emily had said it was all right. And who cared what Sam thought?
You know what they say about eavesdroppers. Well, she hadn’t wanted to hear that.
I will possess your heart… I won’t let you let me down, so easily…
“I’m not giving up, Em.”
Damn it all. Damn it all to hell. Holy fucking hell. She winced her way through twenty seconds more, and closed her eyes. Could there be one nice, safe tune on here? Maybe she needed to raid Paul’s rap or Quil’s screamo or something. Something that she couldn’t understand.
French? Japanese? Anything.
The sound of a bell interrupted her thoughts.
So you don’t want to hear about my good day…
“Oh, Leah. You’ll never guess what Sam and I did on the date!”
“I really don’t give a fuck, Emily.”
The sun is in the sky and I am by my lonesome…
Too right she was. No matter how bright it was outside, and it did seem unusually sunny for Forks, there was a proverbial raincloud dripping Emo bits of gloom on her head.
She was alone.
But even though you knew it from the start, you’d rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart…
Leah paused dead in her tracks. For a moment, she simply stared. And then she broke into a laugh so hearty and loud she could hear it beyond the blaze of words. She laughed, and laughed, and laughed. She hadn’t laughed so hard since Sam had done that impression of their Chemistry teacher in Senior year. She laughed until her stomach hurt, and then it turned into sobs, and she collapsed on the side of the road.
That wolf must have looked mighty funny, sprinting home with an iPod in her teeth.