Edward's POV of New Moon. "Time meant nothing to me, for I never slept, never hunted, never left my room. Each second was agony, always bringing up memories, her face in my mind. I was thirsty, painfully thirsty, but the other pain was so much more overwhelming that I hardly noticed."
Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
1. Preface and Chapter One
Rating 5/5 Word Count 1384 Review this Chapter
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason ... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
My life is just flashes of color, sounds, dreams
A roadside artist painting,
washing the canvas in warm liquid brown
She said she loved the color brown
The tinkling sound of the lullaby I wrote
coming from the piano that I hardly sense as I play
Listening to it made tears appear in her eyes
Walking by the side of the road, and suddenly the scenery changes
it is our meadow, I stumble and fall
how she was enchanted when she saw my skin glitter
The scent of freesia, constantly floating in the air
I open my mouth and lick the taste
The actual flower in the garden smells dull and artificial
Curled up in a ball, but don’t notice where I am
I simply see her window beyond the darkness
where she turns and smiles at me, my angel, my heaven
Turn on the radio, and no matter the song
I always hear Claire de Lune, by Debussy
the favorite we had in common
Every passerby, every acquantaince I see
their faces blur before my sight
and her warm chocolate eyes look out at me
Her voice, more and more often
whispering to me, calling my name
saying, “I love you.”
When it happens I cry out, begging for her to stay
I fall to my knees yet cannot pass out
People stare, they think I’m mad
Yes, I’m mad, I scream
I see my face in their minds
sunken, deep black pits that are eyes
And this is my life, my eternity
Yet I will go through with it, suffer for her
Look down on me from heaven and know I do it for you
Do you remember me, as I remember you?
I held her face in my hands, her beautiful face, knowing I would never see it again, never touch it.
Her eyes looked back at me, filled with disbelieving, numb agony. This couldn’t be the right thing, I tried to convince myself. I couldn’t leave here here.
I knew it was a lie. I had to do this.
Slowly, I let go of her, whispering, “Be safe.” Turning, I ran into the forest mechanically, leaving my life behind. My ears pounded as i ran, and I saw or heard nothing, only the sound of her stumbling after me, calling my name, which grey muffled and faded away as I ran, ever so much faster than her.
“Edward!” she screamed, from what sounded like a mile away, and the sound faded like a whisper on the wind. That was the last I heard from her lips.
I have to do this, I repeated to myself. I have to. I’ve messed up her life too much already. I can’t let this go on, just because I’m selfish enough to love her. I have to leave her to be what she could be.
I can’t. She is my life.
No! I forced myself to watch the images I had brooded over the past few days... her body, at an awkward angle, lying, covered in blood, in the ballet studio... I thought I had lost her then, and it was my fault...
Later, attacked by Jasper, lying in the shards of the glass table that I had pushed her into... and so forgiving, making sure Jasper didn’t feel bad for almost killing her...
And so many times, eagerly begging me to turn her into a vampire, wanting to lose her soul for me, wanting to join me in eternal hell. Wanting to become a vampire. At the prom... “Oh, I’m with the vampires, of course.” So ready to give up her humanity, her life, her soul...
This was what I was giving her by staying with her; this was the life I was forcing her to live. Forever.
Eventually, I ran far enough into the forest that there was no way possible for her to follow, and collapsed onto the ground.
I saw her face in my mind as I told her the most blasphemous lie I had ever uttered: that I didn’t want her. I saw the pain split her face, crush her. And knew that it was insignificant compared to mine, this horrible monstrous pain inside of me, threatening to crush me.
It pulled, tore at me, grinding at my mind and chest. No, I couldn’t do this, I wasn’t strong enough. I closed me eyes and clenched my fists, fighting against the desire to return to her house, to explain, to apologize... to see her face light up to see me...
Yet I would always be a vampire, and it was wrong. It was the wrong decision. If I existed during living hell through all eternity, I deserved it, for I deserved worse torture than this for entering her life in the first place.
I was a vampire. And so I would always be. We could never be together.
I forced myself to stand up. I needed to return to her house and make good on my promise, I needed to remove the remnants of my existence from her life.
I stood up, and met the absurdly cheerful light that sparkled on my face. It hurt my eyes, and I closed them.
I don’t know how long it took me to get back to her house. Her scent wasn’t fresh, which meant she hadn’t returned yet. No, no, she was fine, I couldn’t think that way, she was okay. She was on her way home.
I banished images from my mind, images of her wandering the woods, calling, finally tripping on something, falling, and staying down. To make my imagination worse, it started to drizzle, and my imagination Bella’s hair began to get drenched, but she didn’t move.
She was fine. I knew how long it took her to walk home. I’d leave a note for Charlie, so he’d know where to find her if she was out to late.
As I scrawled it, I took care to use her handwriting. I probably imitated her handwriting better than she would herself. My hand refused to write her name at the end, so I signed it “B”. Then I went upstairs to her room, feet not making the slightest sound.
Walking into the bedroom, smelling her freesia scent, noticing her innocent and appealing taste evident in everything, it threatened to crush me. I tried to deaden my hyperactive senses, holding my breath, as I quickly stole back the gifts, photos, anything that would remind her of me.
I couldn’t steal back her memories, I couldn’t take back the day she saw me.
As I picked up the CD of my music, I remembered her enchanted eyes as she first heard it, loving it- loving me.
I had never deserved the short time I had had with her- I was thankful for that, at least. At least I had known the angel, at least I knew such perfection existed. And she was proof there was a heaven, for where else would she go?
I couldn’t take back this things. I had to leave something. I hid them under the floorboards, laying the CD on top, looking one last time around her room. I was too weak. I couldn’t completely leave. She wouldn’t forget anyway...
But she had to. She would. She was a human, anyway. She could forget, and move on. She could marry, have a life without me, a life endlessly better than it would be with me.
Somehow, I stumbled back out of the house, found my car, and began to drive. At first I drove slowly, at about 90 mph, but then slowly began to accelerate. Eventually, I had gotten to nearly 180 mph, and could not see at all. My hands were shaking like a junkie without a fix in weeks, and my teeth were clenched so hard my gums would be bleeding if it were possible.
When I next looked up I was at the airport.
Another memory swam up, sitting on the plane, not knowing whether I’d be fast enough... And when I got close enough, hearing Jasper’s thoughts... She’s gone, she disappeared, Alice sees her, dying...
I boarded the plane, leaving Forks, leaving my old life... leaving her. Forever.