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More Dream On Crack Fics?!

Well, this is my recent attempt at adding to the series of Dream On Crack-Fics, so enjoy!

These are a series of funny stories, we didn't have time to include in Dream On, or things we found funny/boring/hyper/other... and we added tem altogether into one greta big glomp for you *smiles*


Rating 5/5   Word Count 1147   Review this Chapter

“Edwaaaaard!” Someone was whining from upstairs.

“Yes love?” Edward ran up the stairs of the Cullen house, neatly avoiding the man-eating toaster on the step, and into his room. Looney stood inside, both of her hands hidden behind her back and a pained expression on her face.



“The cookie wouldn’t come out.” She lifted her right hand, stuck in a glass jar.

“Maybe the cookie doesn’t want to come out?” He suggested helpfully.

“Well, if you think so. Mr Cookie, do you want to come out.” The girl poked the glass with her free hand.

“Edwaaaaard. It no wanna talk to me! Read its mind!”

“Ok.” Edward paused and took a deep breath. “Nothing. That must be a really dumb cookie.”

“Or it’s an evil genius!” Exclaimed Looney. “LEXHEN-THE EVIL COOKIE’S BACK!!!” She screamed, now terrified for her life and jumped into Edward’s arms.

“She’s not here roday.” Mumbled Edward.

“Hehe- Edward’s being Scooby-doo!” Looney tried to hug him, but just managed to swing the jar still stuck on her hand at Edward’s head. He dropped, very-un-vampire like to the floor. Unconscious.

“NO, THE EVIL COOKIE KILLED EDWARD!” The mad girl wailed hopelessly.

A second of hopeless blubbering past.

“I wonder if Tolley’s here. Maybe I can go and eat the rest of her fingers.”

The girl sprinted down the hall, past Jack and Jill who were lost, and the Eiffel Tower which they had borrowed yesterday to Jasper’s room. There was a faint murmur of music emitting from the room.

Looney opened the door.

“BURN BABBY BURN!” shrieked Tolley, who was finishing by waving her hand, which was on fire, over the rest of the priceless paintings.

“Oh-hey Looney”

“I was wondering if I could eat you, but this looks like more fun!”

“Jasper’s gone looking for Fork-handles, un-smellable perfume and invisible glasses. I wanted them.” Shrugged Tolley.

“So we can burn down the house! That’s number 15 on the list!”


“Can I sing High-School-Musical too?”

“Noooooooo…” Everything suddenly turned into slow motion. Tolley slowly lunged at Looney. Looney had thankfully, recently watched The Matrix and so bent backwards. She had also seen Kung-Fu Panda!

“Ska-doooosh!” She pounded Tolley with her stomach.

“Ohhh-emmm-jjaayyy! That was fuuunn!” said Tolley, stick stuck in slow motion.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!” screamed Esme who had just entered the room from coming back from visiting Santa. The girls looked up innocently at her, one with a jar on her hand, the other’s head just seen through the ceiling.

“WHAT’VE YOU-THE PAINTINGS-THE CEILING? YOU’VE WRECKED THE HOUSE. HOW ARE YOU! WHAT’RE WE- aww, you little angles. How can I be mad at faces like that?”

Esme looked down at the two pairs of innocent, puppy dog pleading eyes.

“I’ll go and make you some muffins!”

“Can we have those with extra e-numbers and a big bowl full of milk?” Asked Looney helpfully.

“Sure sweeties. It will be ready in 1 minute, 34 seconds.” Esme left the room, still counting down. “33…32…umm, 31…eleventy-twelve.”

“Yay-Muffin’s and milk!”

“Yaaaaayy!” exclaimed Tolley, a few seconds behind. They ran, and slowed down ran from the room.

“It’s a good thing that the squirrel army isn’t after you again.” Smiled Looney, looking at Tolley. She eight through her 495th muffin.

“Mmm-milk!” she squealed, and then dunked her head in her bowl, making slurping noises happily. Once she was finished she picked up the bowl in her hands again, before throwing it out the window.

Who knew that Esme had a cookie-jar-remover-stick?

Looney looked up, her milk-moustache strangely suiting her.

“I think-all-this-sugar-is-making-me-go-fast!” buzzed Tolley. It sounded like there was a high pitched squeal from her, so everyone ignored her.

“Argh-me hearty!” said Looney, now in a pirate uniform from no where.

“THE SQUIRRELS. THERE BACK FOR US!” Emmett suddenly pranced through the smoke bomb which had fallen out of Looney’s pocket, in nothing but a bright neon pink tutu.

The two girls screamed loudly. “ATTACK OF THE SQUIRRELS!”

“We’ll save you!” said two men from the door. Suddenly all the girls’ attention was on the batman and superman costumes that Edward and Jasper we wearing.

“Wow- you look so cute!” squealed Looney. Tolley instead burst into super fast blubbering tears.

“You didn’t tell me it was super-hero-costume-Saturday!” said a sticky Tolley standing up. Dramatically.

“Where’s my lasso/whip thing?” Looney span around, in a desperate search for the object. She then stuck her hand behind her ear, and pulled out the desired whip/lasso thing. “AHA! Now I can be Indiana Looney”

At this point, Tolley burst into sonic-the-hedgehog-speed tears.

“No time for tears, we have to face our fears!” Cried Emmett, his voice turning an octave higher as he leapt into a pirouette.

“Now, we have a house full of vampires. And two human’s. How are we going to get to squirrels?” contemplated Jasper, before realising he could stretch his tights into…interesting shapes.

“GO MY PRETTIES GO!” screamed Looney, pointing to the door, in an obvious attempt to make the vampires do the attacking. In her left hand, she held a Golden Idol.

“Do we have to?” all the vampires moaned.


“But I don’t want to.” Edward, suddenly much like a 5 year old, folded himself to the floor and crossed his arms.

Looney had gotten board of the whole thing fairly quickly. “I’m going upstairs.” She told no-one in particular, and walked up the stairs, humming the James Bond theme.

Suddenly smoke started to fill the room, and background music was fluttering in through the open door.

“When there’s something strange, in the neighbour hood-Who ‘ya gonna call?” Esme strode through the smoke, carrying a giant flamethrower.

Who knew Esme had a giant Flamethrower?

Everyone shrugged.

“EESSSMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” she told them, before starting on her plan. “We first make sure you all have nice clean hands, then we take down the leader with a poisoned sledgehammer and-” Esme was about to carry on, but a blurring tiny, dark haired girl kart wheeled through the door.

Her face went blank.

“OMJ-save the cheerleader, save the world!” she squealed. Her face became less glued off Emmett’s bulgein his shopping bags.

“Okay then.” Esme took this as her call to start screaming war cries, and ran outside to face ‘the wrath of the tiny monkeys’. Tolley sniffed. Loudly and Dramatically.

“Come on Robyn, let’s go and give that Narnia wardrobe a try. I’m pretty sure Rosalie got lost in there, so maybe if we tip it upside down, she’ll turn inside out or something!” commented Jasper, before scooping her up in his arms and running upstairs.

“Poofy!” gasper Alice, distracted from the many bulges in Emmett’s shopping bags to his pink tutu, before running after Emmett, who was trying to win a thumb war against himself.

That left Edward.

“Edward?” a moan echoed from upstairs. Obviously from Looney.


“I got stuck in the cookie Jar again!”