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Tearing Me Apart

Emily/Sam/Leah multi-chaptered fic. Set post-BD, Sam decides to find some of those acquaintances of Carlisle's and take them down. He has a new lead on the human killers, and goes on a three-week trip to get to them. Who does he elect to bring with him? The one pack member who has nothing to loose. Anymore. Leah Clearwater runs with him in dead silence, until one day she breaks down and reveals the truth. He finds he has a choice to make... again.

So... my first multi-chaptered Sam/Leah. all the others have been one-shots. and this one may actually have a happy ending. Spoilers for BD. Adult for Leah's naughty words and possibly some innuendo in later chapters.

5. Chapter 5

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I sit alone in the forest, resting on my slim legs. I like this body. It’s uncomplicated.

I have a pretty enough human form. I know I’m attractive, not gorgeous but at least sexy. Guys notice me.

Sam doesn’t, and I don’t give a fuck about the rest of the gender. I stopped the day he stopped caring that I was beautiful and started wishing we had never been.

He can’t hide that from me, either. That he regrets ever having said he loved me, every moment we spent together, every day I’d wake up with my head on his shoulder, every time he smiled at me, for me… I can go on forever. All the things I had and lost, he wishes he’d never given me.

Tis better to have loved and lost… then never to have loved at all.

But Sam doesn’t see it that way. He says it’s because he regrets hurting me so much. He wishes he could have found the inevitable first, and never broken me in half.

Ridiculous. At least I had those few years of perfect happiness, when I thought Sam and I were going to go to college, get the hell out of La Push, visit Dad and Mom and Seth on Christmas, have a couple of little rugrats when we were in our early thirties, get good stable jobs, die side by side from old age.

I had hope then. At least my life wasn’t always this dismal, this empty.

Leah, he says, softly, breaking my reverie.

Get the hell away from me.

I am careful to keep my voice bland. Usually, I’d say it furious, but I know that would only make him sad. I don’t want to. I just want him away from me. I just need him to leave me alone, because I can’t bear to think I ever had a chance.

No, he whispers. No.

Sam phases back. I watch the enormous, hulking black beast that touches the sky shimmer, shrink, turn to the familiar face of the man I love. I’m glad he can’t hear my thoughts.

I stay in this form, though. So I can run if it gets to be too much of me. So I’m safe from having to speak. So I’m not buck naked in the middle of the woods.

I avert my eyes carefully. My werewolf vision lets me see every detail of his body, even though it’s nighttime, and he doesn’t bother to put his clothes on. Instead of letting myself stare at him, instead of phasing back and throwing myself into his arms and begging for just this once, just this moment, thirty minutes of make-believe where he’s not breaking me anymore; I refuse all those instincts, commanding like an Alpha’s order to make him mine for however long I can manage it.

I look out into the forest.

“Leah, please listen to me. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry and there isn’t anything I can do to make it better, not now, not ever, and God I wish there was, I wish I’d told you the day I’d phased, fuck the orders, fuck everything but you, everyone but you! I wish I’d never met Emily. I wish I’d grabbed you and run the moment my eyes met hers, never gone back, never looked back, gone miles and then sat down in some little run-down diner and explained everything and heard you forgive me. I wish she’d never made herself love me, because I can’t break her heart. I can’t, not anymore than you can disobey an Alpha’s order.”

Not any more than I could leave you, even when I saw this coming, even when I knew I couldn’t trust you.

“I can’t. But I want to,” he says, so quietly I doubt I can hear it. The world spins underneath me.

What is he saying? Am I asleep? Because I have had dreams like this. Perfect, beautiful ones, the rare exceptions to those nightmares where Seth and Mom follow in the footsteps of everyone else I’ve ever loved and break my heart.

He looks into my eyes, seemingly not caring that I’m not even human right now, and says, “When the imprint isn’t there, consuming me, when I can be myself… look. Right now, I can feel the tug. The pull, ordering me to go back to her. But I can feel my heart, too. My own mine, my human mind. Before all this nonsense. And it’s telling me one thing. That I love you, and I always have, and I always will.”