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If I should die...

Summary:
How would twilight be different if Bella had a disease and was dying before she came to Forks? Would it shake Edwards resolve to change her if he knew that they would only have a short time together.


Notes:


10. Chapter 10

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2602   Review this Chapter

The next morning went by in a blur as I did anything but think. I chatted with Charlie, read, did whatever I could to halt my mind. Because I knew that if I was to really think about it, I would break. Inside I knew what this testing meant, that I was right. The cancer was progressing more rapidly than expected. It meant that 6 months was an overestimate, I had much less time.

Charlie pushed me in the house after the long silent trip home. I knew that he had to go to work for a little while though he tried to persuade me otherwise. I shooed him out the door, slowly making my way carefully to the couch. I curled up on the couch, thankful that I had never changed out my sweats this morning, as all the feelings I had fought to suppress pressed on me.

I knew that I had to leave. Though just the thought of it made my heart ache, my mind was made up. I would not just wait, hurting everyone more, while I became no more useful than an infant. No, I couldn’t put them through that. When there had been just Charlie and Renee it hurt enough but now with the Cullen’s and Edward. Just thinking his name made my heart crack and my resolve waver but I wouldn’t let it. This was the only way that made any sense. Hurting them further was not an option, having to watch their tormented expressions as I lose all my ability to function would be too hard. I would be able to deal with it all and the pain but not with them beside me. That would just be too much. Seeing them hurt, seeing Edward hurt would be more excruciating then cancer ever would.

Hot, wet tears lid down my cheeks, when I pictured him in my mind. His untidy bronze hair perfectly featured pale face, the crooked smile that took my breath away, and his piercing topaz eyes. Eyes, I was sure could see right to my soul. It was stupid really, how much he had come to mean to me in the last few days. Leaving him would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I instinctively knew that leaving would hurt him but not as much as I could.

Finally the exhaustion that I had been fighting over took me as one last thought flitted through my mind. How come what I knew was right, felt like it would kill me before anything else could?

Hot, white pain woke me from my troubled sleep. I sat up slowly trying to gain some advantage over the monster pulling apart my brain. I rubbed my temples, squinting around the room groping for anything that would distract my mind to dull the pain. But the movement of my neck only infuriated the monster inside me as he tried to rip out my spine. I groaned containing the scream that wanted to escape my mouth, knowing scream definitely wouldn’t help. I stood up oblivious to the pain in my ankle as I hobbled my way to the kitchen, my hands in front of me groping.
Finding my pain pills was my only thought, my only mission as fumbled threw the drawers in the kitchen. Somewhere in my mind, I was aware that someone was knocking on the door but I couldn’t concentrate. I was too intent of finding a means to appease the excruciating pain. I breathed a sigh of relief as I finally reached my goal. I twisted the cap with shaking hands as my relentless monster finally succeeded in ripping my brain apart. The pills clattered to the floor as a smooth velvet voice shouted my name. But nothing mattered as a severe pain clenched my stomach overwhelming me as I emptied all the contents in my stomach into the kitchen sink.

Suddenly, cool stone arms were supporting my body soothing the hair away from my face. My stomach convulsed again as I heard Alice’s shocked voice scream, “Edward, that’s blood.”€

"I know." Edward whispered through clenched teeth never relinquishing his hold on me.

“Tell the others to get Carlisle, I’m taking her home. I need you to drive Alice.” Edward whispered in a low tense voice soothing my hair.

Finally my stomach calmed as I collapsed into Edward. Pain and exhaustion overwhelmed me as he scooped me into his arms rushing me out of the house. I was barely conscious as he got into the car holding me whispering soothingly to me.

The next thing I was aware of was Dr. Cullen’s voice as he shined a bright light in front of my eyes, “Bella can you hear me?”€

“Yes.” I answered my voice sounding very far away.

“How is the pain?” he asked as I tried to focus on his concerned pale face so close to mine.

“Better.” I mumbled feeling the darkness creeping around me.

“How are you feeling?” he asked his cool hand touching my cheek.

“Tired.” I slurred as he chuckled but suddenly I was afraid of the darkness that was taking me. I reaching up to him trying to grab him as I pleaded, “Please don’t leave me, I’m afraid.”€

Then Edwards soothing velvet voice was in my ear as I realized his strong, cool body was the comforting presence holding me, “We’re right here, Bella.”€

Comforted by this, I smiled letting the darkness claim me.

Low musical bells filtered through my head, making me wonder if I were in heaven. The sound was so soothing and comforting but I could still feel a faint pain in my head.

So, I couldn’t be in heaven could I? I asked myself as my surroundings became clearer. I breathed in deeply as an intoxicating scent filled my nostrils. Again I questioned the heaven thing but as I focused on the bells I realized I knew the voice. Edward’s voice was humming
what seemed to be a lullaby to me. Though it was not familiar to me, it comforted me more than anything I had ever known. Then his smooth cool fingers brushed the hair away from my face. I knew that I had not died yet and if I had then I really didn’t care because heaven was blissful indeed.

A smile unconsciously formed on my lips as I asked, “Is that a lullaby?”

Opening my eyes would end the magical bliss that was dancing through my mind so I clamped my eyelids firmly closed. A frown gave my face as he stopped humming to answer, “You’re finally awake.”

Yes, “I answered whistfully, repeating my question so that I could forgo reality for just a while longer.

“Yes,” he answered but I could hear the concern coloring his voice. I knew that he was wondering why I had not opened my eyes yet.

I’ve never heard it before.” I stated clutching the blissful peace that was surrounding me but reality was crashing into me.

“You wouldn’t I wrote it.” He stated simply, his fingers gliding along my face once more.

Shocked my lids flew open but my vision was fuzzy I couldn’t seem to focus. I started to panic as my heart raced in my chest for a few seconds before I remembered the drugs. But then my mind lost all thought as my vision finally focused to reveal Edward’s face mere inches from mine.

My eyes raked over the pure perfection before me as I took an unsteady breath. Like a drowning woman craving air, I needed more. My hand reached towards him, my knuckles lightly grazing the line of his jaw. Overwhelmed by the feelings shooting to the very core of my body, I couldn’t breathe as his golden eyes bore into mine.

I breathed out as Edward breathed in, he winced breaking the spell. I tried to pull my hand away blushing in embarrassment. As soon as my knuckles left him, his hand caught mine soothing out my fingers placing my palm on his face.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled trying to control my breathing as I looked away from his piercing eyes.

“Don’t be.” He stated with authority causing me to look back at him as he added, “You can’t imagine how wonderful that feels.”

I couldn’t speak as I read the sincerity in his eyes. I smiled as his hand let go of mine to rest his palm on my face. I couldn’t say how long we continued lost in the moment however eventually I could bear the intensity anymore. My hand moved, unsteadily at first, as I ran up the side of his face and across his brow. His eyes shut as he sighed, his breath washing across my face. I breathed in his scent, a shutter passed down my spine. He was truly more perfect than I would ever know.

I hadn’t even realized that I was crying until Edward opened his eyes concerned. His thumb moved across my cheek as he wiped the moisture from my eye. A shaky watery smile crossed my lips as I tried to ease his concern. His golden eyes bore into mine as I read the emotions playing there. My breath caught in my chest as the electricity between us reached a new in heights. I couldn’t move or breath as Edward closed the inches between us, his sweet breath washing over me.

“Don’t move,” he whispered his lips next to my cheek. I couldn’t have moved if I wanted to, my body was frozen as my heart pounded wildly between us. My eyelids fluttered closed as his face blurred in my vision. Lighter than a feather his ice cold lips touched mine. The heat that tore through me was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was like all the electricity in the air had suddenly taken up residence in my body. I couldn’t stop my reactions as I threw my arms around his neck running my fingers through his hair. Plastering my body to his, I threw myself into the kiss. My mouth parted slightly breathing in his intoxicating scent.

In the next moment, my wrist snapped painfully as Edward wrenched himself from my body. I gasped in pain as my eyes snapped open searching for him. Within an instant, my searching eyes found him leaning against the far wall. His eyes were wild as he watched me, rubbing the cast on my broken wrist. I knew he could see the question in my eyes as he slid down the wall placing his head in his hands.

“I am so sorry, Bella. Are you alright?” He asked not looking up from his hands. I could feel the remorse radiating off him in waves. I dropped my sore wrist immediately as I stood up from the bed to limp towards him. He held his hand out to me as a warning before whispering, “Please Bella, I’m very dangerous to you right now.”

I stared at him with confusion written all over my face. As I stood there trying to understand his behavior, all the feelings from earlier today washed over me filling me with an irrational rage. I stomped towards him, ignoring the protests in my ankle, to stand in front of him with my hands fisted tightly at my side.

Edward looked up at me cringing back into the wall as angry tears spilled down my cheeks. I just stood there unable to think rationally. I knew that I was not mad at him; really I wasn’t angry with anyone but myself.

I was the danger here. I would hurt them. I would leave them all.

The pain of it fueled my anger as I shouted, “You’re not the danger here, Edward. I am.”

He was in front me before I could blink whispering soothingly, “Bella you don’t understand.”

I lunged at him beating my fists off the brick wall that was his chest screaming, “Then maybe you should explain it to me because I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all, Edward. I’m the one dying. I’m the one hurting everyone I touch. I’m leaving you all and it hurts. It hurts so much that I can barely stand it but I know that if you have to watch me die it will hurt me so much more.”

He grabbed my wrists, encasing them in his stone hands before I could hurt myself further. I could see the pain in his eyes but I couldn’t stop myself as I taunted, “So what? What danger are you putting me in? Are you going to kill me because if so I have you beat there don’t I. So go ahead do your worst, I don’t care anymore.”

My body crumbled as my rage ended. Edwards’s arms encircled me as he sat on the floor with me in his lap soothing my back. But I would not let the pain of it all take me anymore; I fruitlessly fought against him to escape from his stone arms.

I looked up at him glaring but he just smiled crookedly at me dissolving what was left of my anger. He gingerly resituated me on his lap so that he could use a free hand to examine my wrist before whispering angrily, “I think you broke your cast.”

“It doesn’t really matter.” I replied in a low voice that sounded lifeless even to my own ears but I refused to look into his face as he looked back to me.

“Bella, look at me please?” He pleaded making no move to force me to look at him. But his pleading was enough, instantly I met his steady gaze. The intensity of it made the heat creep into my cheeks as my overworked heart picked up speed. But I held his eyes unable to look away as they flashed with so many emotions but what struck me the most was that he looked afraid.

I couldn’t fathom what he was afraid of until his velvety voice reached my ears with the same fear, “Bella, what if I could save you?”

I smiled at the irony as I wished that he could do just that but I shook my head answering, “You can’t save me. No one can.”

“But I could,” he persisted no hint of deception in his eyes as he continued his voice tightening, “But you wouldn’t be same as you are. You would have to become the monster that I am.”

I opened my mouth to speak but he gently placed his finger on my lips, whispering, “I need you to understand that, Bella. I know that it is not fair of me to ask you this. It’s not right. But, I could save you.”

I stared into his eyes seeing a deep sadness that pained me more than he could ever know. That sadness stabbed at my heart which was in some strange way linked to his. Then I realized that there was no way that I could have left him. I wasn’t strong enough because just that act alone would have killed me.

There was so much that I wanted to say but I couldn’t force the words to leave my mouth. I cleared my throat trying again because I knew what he was didn’t matter. What I would become didn’t matter because I loved him. The love I felt for him was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. It pulsed through every fiber of my body, my soul. If there was a slim chance that I could be with him, whether he felt the same or not, I would take it because if he was willing to save me then it was enough just to be around him. I wanted to tell him all this but the question that escaped my lips was simply, “What are you?”