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If I should die...

Summary:
How would twilight be different if Bella had a disease and was dying before she came to Forks? Would it shake Edwards resolve to change her if he knew that they would only have a short time together.


Notes:


9. Chapter 9

Rating 5/5   Word Count 3389   Review this Chapter

I woke the next morning to someone gently shaking me, I would have know the cool hands anywhere so I moaned rolling over. However, I had been throughly enjoying the dream I had been having of my own personal savior so I glared as I opened my eyes muttering, “Alice don’t you ever sleep?”

“No,” she answered, giggling as I sat up in my bed. The room began to spin so I closed my eyes gripping the bed for stability. Alice rushed to my side in concern asking, “Bella are you alright?”

“Fine.” I whispered slightly breathless but she sat next to me on the bed putting her arm around me comfortingly. I turned to her trying to smile but she still look concerned so I asked taking deep breaths, “Seriously you don’t sleep.”

She smiled brightly at me bounding off my bed as she collected various things around my room.

“Alice you can’t just throw something like that out there and then not answer my question.” I whined pulling off my covers as I scooted carefully to the end of the bed.

“Fine,” she whispered looking over my appearance before adding, “But your not going to get the rest out of me so don’t ask but to answer your question no I don’t sleep.”

“Ever?” I asked in shock but Alice grinned at me shaking her head before I quickly added, “That’s not really a new question though, just clarification on the question I already asked.”

Alice shook her head at me with finality before I mumbled sullenly, “I don’t know why you are waiting for Edward to tell me. Getting anything out of him is like pulling teeth.”

Her tinkling bell like laughter filled my room as she sat down next to me. She looked me over carefully with her wide golden eyes asking, “How are you feeling today?”

“Fine,” I whispered looking away from her clinical gaze but of course she didn’t believe me as she stated, “You still look tired.”

I smiled at her stretching for her benefit, to test the pain in my limbs. In truth I was tired, my body ached and my head throbbed but compared to yesterday I did feel better. Really, it was no more than I was used too. I mean I hurt all the time anyway nothing was really worse.

Alice still watched me closely as I righted my body so I teased, “Well if someone didn’t wake me up at an ungodly hour to get prepared for school. I would probably be better rested.”

“Well you had better get used to that,” she giggled helping me bounce around my room into the chair.

I sat watching in ashtonishment as she started the same routine as yesterday. Only today she pulled my hair into a loose bun curling the stray strands. Then she pulled me up from the the chair, setting me on the bed while she continued to bound around my room in a whirlwind.

Suddenly, she poked her head out of my closet stating almost too rapidly to understand, “Oh and by the way I got you a present. And before you can complain or deny to wear it. Remember I already know you will and it is going to look stunning so there is really no point in arguing.”

I stared at her in amazement before gaining my voice to mumble, “So there is really no point then.”

“No,” she said with an authoritive finality.

“Well can I say thank you.” I whispered stubbornly wishing that I could argue but in my current state she could very easily force it on me.

“Of course,” she said walking out of my closet carrying a deep blue long sleeved v-necked sweater and a silky deep blue long skirt with floral patterns embroidered in it.

“I don’t know how your family lives with you.” I stated as she set the clothes before me. I had to admit they were both exceptionally beautiful but I could tell even with my naieve eyes that they were expensive.

“They love me,” she stated rolling her eyes as she helped me dress in record time before ushering me down the stairs.

I grumbled the whole time about the clothes even though they were really exceptionally comfortable and soft. She laughed merrily the whole time before I muttered in agrivation, “You’re secretly loving the fact that I am an invalid, aren’t you.”

“Yep,” she laughed softly before adding, “When you’re able to get yourself ready I won’t get to have nearly as much fun so I have to enjoy it while I can.”

I laughed out loud as I ate the rest of my poptart before she jumped up grabbing my bag and pushing me towards the door. Just like yesterday, as soon as I was out the door the silver Volvo pulled into my driveway. Alice wheeled me to the car as Edward got out.

Alice danced over to her side of the car muttering something that I didn’t hear because my mind was totally consumed by Edward as he looked me over. I flushed, biting my lip but unable to take his intense stare anymore I looked down at my hands mumbling, “She did it. I had no say what so ever.”

Suddenly his silky voice was in my ear as he whispered, “Then I will have to thank her.”

I turned looking up at him shyly only to be met by his mezmerizing face. The look he made my knees go weak, thanking for the first time that I was already sitting. My heart went into overload as he picked me up gently holding me close for a few seconds before placing me into the car. I took much needed deep breaths as I put my seatbelt on.

Emmett’s snickering caught my attention as Edward got into the car. Edward glared at his brother before pulling out of my driveway murmuring, “I wouldn’t do it Emmett.”

I looked toward Edward confused but he just shook his head before Emmett innocently said, “What?”

Alice perked up then as she whispered, “It wouldn’t really be worth it Emmett.”

I watched in the rearview mirror as Emmett turned to her with a devious glint in his eyes asking, “Yeah but would he wresle me tonight.”

“Yes but he would win.” Alice stated confidently as Jasper laughed next to her.

“Damn!” Emmett complained looking like a sullen child as the rest of the car burst into beautiful dancing laughter.

Edward rolled his eyes taking in my perplexed expression at the conversation, whispering, “You do all remember Bella is in the car, right.”

“Like we could forget.” Emmett muttered still sullen before reaching over the seat to muss my hair adding, “Hey there Bella.”

I turned to return his greeting but we pulled into the parking lot of the school. Of course, everyone stared suspiciously as Edward unloaded me pushing me towards the sidewalk. My heart exploded into a new form of sprint that was actually painful as my mind played events of the previous day.

Why wouldn’t they be staring hadn’t Edward announced yesterday that he was my date for the dance. The illusive Edward Cullen was taking me. I am sure that spread like wildfire threw a school this small.

Cringing trying to look anywhere but at the staring students, I caught Jaspers looking worriedly at me. He whispered something to Alice and she bound up to me whispering in my ear, “Calm down Bella, it won’t be as bad as you think.”

I smiled hoping she was right as I said goodbye to everyone and Edward ushered me to my first class. He helped me to get situated before whispering, “I’ll see you after class.”

This statement confused me as I muttered, “Why I’ll be fine?”

But he never answered as he smiled crookedly at me before walking out the door. A smile I didn’t want to control spread over my features as I realized that for the first time in a long time I was utterly happy.

The day went by in a rush as Edward, true to his word, ushered me everywhere I needed to go. I couldn’t contain the amount of happiness that fizzled through me the whole day. The smile never left my face once, even the stares and whispering couldn’t penetrate though my fog of bliss. It wasn’t until I sat alone waiting for school to end, that my mind persisted in reflecting on the change.

I sat resting my head against the side of my chair wanting to let the music carry me away and rest since I was exhausted. But instead my mind took over thinking about all the things that had happened. It was strange how my world changed so much in just those few short days.

In that time, I had gone from a sad person waiting for the end to someone actually enjoying their life. But the strange thing was, the more I thought about it, I realized the strange and wonderful turn of events were completely due to Edward. If he had been polite to me on that first day, I may never have met Alice. Then if he had not left me in the woods would things have turned out differently. Of course, Alice was very persistent, so maybe, but still it all came back to last Monday.

Then someone gently pulled the ear bud from my ear whispering in the voice I wanted to hear, “Penny for your thoughts?”

I looked up startled, staring into Edward’s glorious face as he smirked at me sitting on the bench in front of me. I smiled looking down at my hands muttering, “I was just thinking.”

I looked around expecting to see other students but there was none. So I raised my eyebrows quizzically before asking, “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

He smiled a mischievous smile before answering, “Yes actually but I got done early so Mrs. Goff let me leave. And I gathered that you were thinking but about what specifically?”

“Nothing really.” I muttered flushing deeper at the path my thoughts had taken.

“That is really frustrating.” He whispered, his voice marred by the emotion.

“What?” I asked more than a little confused by his statement.

“You have all these emotions written all over your face but you never voice them. It’s extremely frustrating I can’t just know what you’re thinking.”

I stared at him curiously before stating, “You don’t want to know everything in my head, Edward”

That would be a scary ride indeed to venture into my head.

He shook his head at me smiling as he said, “But I do. I want to know what you’re thinking. The fact that I don’t know drives me insane.”

My brows drew as I mauled his statement over in my head. Why would the fact that he doesn’t know what I am thinking drive him insane. I looked at him perplexed trying to read his expression but he suddenly found the grass very interesting.

“Why would not knowing what I am thinking drive you crazy?” I asked hoping to put together another piece of the puzzle. He didn’t answer me so I added, “You can trust me.”

“I know,” he whispered finally meeting my eyes, his eyes troubled as if he was making a choice. Then finally he stated, “Like Alice I too have special abilities. I can read the minds of those around me.”

“But not mine?” I asked putting his statements and his actions together.

“No for some reason you are strangely silent. I can’t understand it.”

I smiled at him, his brows drawing together as he frowned, secretly pleased that my mind was silent. It was unbearable to think of the alternative. How utterly embarrassing would that be considering some of my more vivid daydreams involving him.

But as I thought about it something bothered me and without thinking I asked, “Is there something wrong with my brain?”

He looked at me stunned for a minute before bursting out in robust laughter. I knew that I should be upset by his laughter but I couldn’t find the anger in me as I enjoyed the sound.

“Bella I can’t understand you at all. You know that we are different.” He hesitated on the word slightly before continuing, “But I can’t read your mind so you think there is something wrong with you.”

“Well I mean if you can read everyone else’s and not mine, wouldn’t that make me the odd ball?” I asked finding it hard to think logically when his eyes pierced me so.

“No.” he stated with so much conviction that I could not question him further.

I just stared at him trying to fit everything together but my mind wandered to my conversation this morning with Alice. Hoping that maybe he would trust me enough I asked hestitantly, “Are you going to explain the different part?”

He tensed instantly all signs of his previous humor gone. He surprised me though instead of getting angry, his face looked unbearably sad. His sadness tore at my heart. Instantly, I knew that I didn’t care. If I never found out it wouldn’t matter so I uttered, “Never mind Edward, you don’t have to tell me.”

He smiled slightly his head tilting to the left, but the smile never touched his eyes. The sadness was there buried in them. I couldn’t stop myself when I reached out touching his hand softly with mine. His cool hand ever so gently turned up taking mine as he looked down at them.

“No you need to know. But I have to warn you, I don’t know what you think we are but we are not good, Bella. We are monsters among men.” Then he looked deeply into my eyes before admitting, “I’m dangerous to you.”

“Of course you’re not.” I said instantly, confused by the strange intensity that his eyes held. I could see throughout his features he meant every word. But how could he be a danger to me?

“You don’t have to tell me, Edward. It doesn’t matter.” I whispered with conviction hoping to take away the sadness in his eyes.

He pulled his hand away from me as his body vibrated with his anger. I couldn’t look away as he shouted, “You shouldn’t say that. You don’t know what we are. We’re not good, Bella. You must understand that.”

I couldn’t control the anger that welled in me at his statement. How could he not think that he was good? He had saved my life in more ways than he knew. But here he sat thinking that he was a danger to me. Well I was a danger to everyone I came in contact with. No matter what I did, I would hurt them.

At this realization, emotions that I didn’t even know that I possessed burst of me as I yelled, “What you are doesn’t matter. What matters are your actions. You and your family have saved me in ways that you will ever know. I can’t stop the fact that I am dying but I quit living a long time ago, Edward. I was afraid to make friends, to hurt people. I didn’t want them to have to deal with the fact that I was going to die. Then when it was in remission I was still afraid, knowing at anytime it could always come back. Why would I hurt people in that way. But though it’s back and everything is ending suddenly I feel like me again.” Tears I was unable to control stung my eyes as I concluded in a small rough voice, “So no I could care less what you are.”

My anger faded as quickly as it had come but the emotions that I had kept locked up for so long refused to fade. I couldn’t stop the tears as they flowed relentlessly from my eyes. Edward’s face was torn as he hesitantly reached towards me, his cool fingers wiping away my tears.

“Please don’t cry.” He whispered agony coloring his voice.

I tried for his sake to will the tears away but they wouldn’t stop. The flood gates just continued to flow as he moved to rest his hand on the side of my face, comfortingly. My face of its own accord snuggled deeper into his touch. My eyes fluttered closed while I cried, enjoying the fact that Edward was there to comfort me.

We sat there in silence as the minutes passed until finally the tears ceased. I opened my eyes only to meet Edward’s as he asked, “Better?”

“Yes.” I choked out my throat thick from the tears.

Embarrassed by my rant and my tears, my cheeks grew warm under his cool hand and he pulled it away. Instantly my cheek felt too warm and I missed the feel of him.

I tried to smile as I whispered, “Sorry about that.”

“I am sorry I upset you but you have to know.” He spoke softly trying to hide the emotions in his voice.

I frowned at him, glaring vehemently as I stated once again, “It doesn’t matter.”

“But it will.” He said his eyes again showing a sadness that pulled at my heart.

“No it won’t.” I stated with all the stubborness the could conjure up.

“Bella, I will tell you what we are because you need to know but not now. Because when I do, you will run from us and I crave your company too much to let you go at this moment.” He stated smiling crookedly at me but his eyes still retained a sense of unease.

I smiled at him as my heart beat out an unsteady rhythm at his words.

“Well then you had better wait at least a week or so because as of right now I’m not running anywhere.” I teased looking pointedly down at my bum ankle before up at him.

My words had the desired effect and he laughed the tense atmosphere around us evaporating.

“Well then it would be best to wait at least a week.” He whispered as the bell rang and students began to file out of the classrooms.

Edward stood up as he pushed my chair towards his Volvo. The rest of the family soon joined us for a delightful ride home.

That night Edward and Alice stayed with me again. Though we didn’t speak of our conversation, instead we simply enjoyed one anothers company. Still I couldn’t help but notice that something was different between us now. Not wanting to dwell on the difference I watched how tightly Alice had my father wrapped around her finger. It was funny in a way watch them banter back and forth. When it occurred to me that Alice would be a huge comfort to my father when I died, instead of the overwhelming sadness that I had expected, I felt relieved by the fact that at least he would have someone.

That night as I lay in my bed waiting for sleep to claim me, I heard a soft knock on the door.

“Come in.” I yelled sitting up a little in my bed trying to fight off my exhaustion. But I was sure that my drooping eyelids would give my away.

Charlie padded into my room stopping at the edge of my bed.

“I wanted to tell you goodnight Bells.” Charlie muttered gruffly, embarrassed.

“Oh goodnight, Dad.” I whispered expecting him to leave but he just stood there.

“Is there anything else?” I asked hoping he would get to the point soon since I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to keep my eyes open.

“Well a few things, um Dr. Cullen called today and he wants you to go for a more invasive test. Something about inconclusive results. And well since the Cullen’s seem to have no problem giving you a ride to school, well I told Jacob not to worry about the truck.” Charlie whispered his eyes telling me he knew all about why I had stayed overnight in the hospital.

“Dad I didn’t want to worry you.” I stated trying to sooth him but having a hard time containing my panic as I asked, “Did Dr. Cullen say when I had to go for the test?”

“I need to know about these things, Bells. Whether it worries me or not, my only concern is you.” He said quietly, his love for me vibrating from every word before adding, “And he wants the test as soon as possible so he scheduled it for tomorow at 8am in Seattle.”

“Would you take me?” I questioned tears welling up at his heartfelt words.

“Of course, Bells. I would take you anywhere.” He whispered choking up too as he knelt next to my bed hugging me as if he would never be able to hug me again.