Have you ever imagined how it would be like to find your own Edward? Because I have. And THIS came out. R&R No Bella and Cullens here.
The special vampire kind I use in this story was created by Stephenie Meyer. The characters are entirely mine. This story is only Twilight-related. :)
17. 27th November: Tuesday
Rating 5/5 Word Count 4836 Review this Chapter
Lying on my bed in the morning, I marveled at the miracle that allowed me to return here yesterday alive. For one moment of horror, I had been sure it would have been the last second of my life. After all, I had known all along that it would happen sooner or later, that Edward’s control would finally snap. He had wanted to kill me that first day in the demolished building, and the fact that he had claimed to love me some time after that hadn’t changed who he was – a vampire. I had always known the image of those creatures in ‘Twilight’ was too good to be true and for not even a second had I forgotten about what the name of the species really meant. A vampire was supposed to be a deadly monster who fed on human blood without even a slight hint of remorse. In some of the stories about them, they didn’t even have a defined personality; all they were capable of thinking was of relieving their eternal thirst, drowning it in the hot, tasty liquid flowing through our veins. Their world was ruled by their bloodlust. The image was all I needed to justify Edward’s mood swings and his problems with bad temper. No matter how much he tried to be human, he couldn’t become one; just like I couldn’t change into a vampire with only a force of my imagination. Although my life with him had became whole and happy (despite our constant problems), there was no doubt in my mind that I would end up dying by his hand; or teeth, for that matter. I considered it a price I had to pay, because for everything in this world, we had to pay sometime.
So when I had seen the look of pure rage in my boyfriend’s eyes, I had been sure my death hour had come. I could have sworn he had lost himself! But nothing had prepared me for what he had done next.
The darkness faded from his face and he laughed loudly, throwing hi s head back, making me consider him insane. As surprisingly as they started, his fits subsided.
“Someone’s trying to pick you up, I see.” His light tone was forced, it was plain to see. “How can he succeed while I’m here?” He winked at me, attempting to lighten the mood, but failing. I was still looking at him in shock, unable to say anything. Edward’s face fell slightly. “Stupid jokes,” he almost growled, squashing the letter in his hands into a small ball and tucking it in his pocket. His strong arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me to him, forcefully claiming my lips with his. It looked like he found a new outlet for his raging anger, and I had to admit, it was much more pleasurable than smashing cars and other objects that were so unlucky to be around – including me. I could still feel all his emotions through the kiss: disbelief, rage, jealousy… desperation?
He pulled away, too soon for my liking, and touched his forehead to mine. “Should I worry about this?” Again, I felt desperation radiating from him. He always seemed so sure of himself… but he was not. It made him look so… human.
“Absolutely not,” I rasped, out of breath after our heated kiss.
His smile was like the sun after a storm; so beautiful and full of hope. “Then I won’t.” And he dove in for my lips again, this time more gently.
End of flashback
It had appeared then that Edward had had much more self-control than I had been giving him credit for. Could he be more perfect? I thought. The answer came unwelcomed: yes, yes he could. He could be more like those ideal characters from romance novels; always gentle and caring. Though I was not peerless either, so I wasn’t expecting him to be, knowing the world too well to still believe there to be a flawless man out there. Here with him, it would be as close to perfect as I would ever have, and risking my life to have it was a very adequate price.
I stood up to find an excuse note that was justifying my absence in school, written in my mother’s handwriting, lying on my desk. I smirked at the similarity; it was just a mystification made by Edward. We both had agreed that my parents shouldn’t know about my little ‘adventure’ and had decided to make up a very probable tale for my teachers. With a bit of luck, my parents would never know about the humiliating story.
After fulfilling my daily routine as quickly as I could, I jumped out of the apartment and down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. No sooner had I walked outside did I realize that there was nothing I should be in hurry for. The sun was out, the sky clear blue with no trace of clouds in sight. The shine was even able to lighten up the gloomy fall landscape, puddles of mud and half-rotten fallen leaves covering the pavement. It was the first beautiful day in a long time. But for me, it was far from beautiful; the good weather meant that I wouldn’t meet Edward. There was no way he would show up in public with his skin glistening in the sun in a very inhuman, though exquisite, manner.
My mood instantly fell and my pace changed from brisk to snail slow. I dragged myself through the street with a deep disappointed sigh. Suddenly, a sharp noise of a car horn cut through the silence, causing me to jump in surprise. For a moment I thought that some car was going to crash into me, but when I anxiously looked around I saw that there was no such risk. Instead, I spotted with astonishment a familiar white Mercedes in the parking lot. With my eyes almost popping out of their sockets at my vampire’s incredible and stupid bravery, I rushed to the car, closing the door behind me as fast as I could.
“What are you doing here?!” I hissed at my boyfriend, throwing my bag on the backseat.
“It’s nice to see you, too,” he said bitterly and turned the key in the ignition. I looked at him disapprovingly, not letting his words throw me off the track. He sighed heavily as he took a glimpse of my expression. “I thought you’d be happy to see me…” he muttered.
“I am happy,” I confirmed, though my face and harsh words weren’t very convincing. “But that doesn’t change the fact that this is simply reckless! What if someone sees you glittering?!”
“No one will. I will not go out of the car and into the sun. The windows are tinted so I will not make anyone even a bit suspicious. Don’t worry.” He was looking through the windshield. I could feel that I killed his mood, but I couldn’t help that; someone had to be the responsible one in this relationship. When he continued to stare intently, but unnecessarily at the road in the gloomy silence, I rolled my eyes at him.
“Stop sulking around, Edward. I just don’t want you to get in trouble! You should be happy that I worry so much about you!” I said, putting my hand over his on the steering wheel.
“I know.” He sighed deeply again and turned towards me with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry.”
I smiled at him and pecked his cheek quickly because we were almost to the school parking lot already.
“I won’t be there after your classes today,” my boyfriend said while parking the car. “I have some important matter to attend to. And I wouldn’t want you to worry too much about me getting caught in the sunlight.” The last sentence was only to distract me, I knew that; I didn’t let him brainwash me.
“Important matter?” I raised one eyebrow at him with a smirk. His smile widened but he didn’t go on with the subject. How interesting… “You know you won’t get rid of me easily now after you aroused my interest?”
He chuckled. “I’ll tell you when the time comes,” he said, kissing my forehead. “Have a nice day, love.”
I was pouting when I stepped out of the Mercedes and headed right to the school, not peeking behind me at the car driving off like I’d usually done. Is he going to cause the death of me, using my extreme nosiness?! That evil creature!
I never would have expected the calmness that washed over me when I walked in the school building. Recently, so much had been happening in my life that going back to the surrounding of this institution seemed to calm my nerves with its predictability. Just lessons, teachers, tests, classmates… nothing out of ordinary for a few hours.
As I reached my classroom door, I realized how wrong I’d been. Ordinary, my ass! I thought. My life seemed not to want to fit into that category any more. There, among a group of girls, was standing the person that helped to sow a seed of self-consciousness in Edward’s heart, the suspected victim of my boyfriend’s anger and the cause of my never-ending worry in one tall and tan body. WhiteIsa.
The fact that she was on her feet so soon after the accident surprised me a little, though she probably just hadn’t wanted to miss too much school. She had a cast on her right leg, two crutches were supporting her weight. Quickly, so as not to be spotted by her and cause any more damage to our probably already ended friendship, I walked to the open room and took my usual seat by the first table on the right. If she didn’t want to know me anymore, she would have to sit elsewhere; I had no intention of moving my lazy ass from this comfortable place where no one bothered me. I wasn’t the kind of person to stay angry at my friend very long; I would forgot the whole quarrel if she wanted me to. But I wasn’t going to go to her if she didn’t want me, either. I knew my place and I had my dignity. I wasn’t putting my nose where they obviously weren’t happy to see me, to say the least.
I didn’t have to wait long for Isa to show up. A minute later, she came through the door to the almost empty classroom. She sat next to me, not looking in my direction, and then became almost completely still, only shifting uncomfortably from time to time. I busied myself with rearranging my things on the desk.
“You were right.” I heard her voice and turned abruptly in her direction with shock and disbelief surely visible on my face. It wasn’t only the fact that she had spoken to me that surprised me, but also her words. Has she just admitted that I was right, or am I just hearing things?! “You were right,” she repeated, seeing the question written in my eyes. “He was no good for me.”
I sighed heavily. In moments like that I considered my ability a curse. I knew bad things were bound to happen and I could do nothing about it, even if I tried. Every attempt on acting like a hero always ended up badly, especially for me. “I should probably say ‘I told you so’ but it wouldn’t make any of us happier,” I said with bitterness. “What happened?” Isa stiffened and made an expression like she was about to cry. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,” I assured her. Though if you don’t I’ll be wondering for nights to come and become a gossip zombie, I finished in my mind.
She let out a shaky breath. “He had a child,” came her quiet whisper, “with that girl he cheated on me with that time. He had promised to marry her but now he refuses. And she wasn’t the first…” She sobbed suddenly. “The rest of them chose abortion. He’s been using us!”
I handed her a pack of tissues. I had to force myself not to nod knowingly, but throughout her story, I’d been thinking Just what I’d thought. I don’t have any idea how I’d known that, I just… had. My ‘fortune-telling’ was as simple as that.
“I’m sorry about all the horrible things I said back then…” Isa started after wiping her nose clean, but I interrupted.
“Don’t apologize. Let’s just… forget it ever happened?” I suggested desperately. I wasn’t fond of tragic crying scenes with running make up and clumsy hugs, like from the stupid soap operas my mother loved to watch; especially not in public.
My newly returned friend smiled at me happily through her tears and, to my utter horror, fell on my neck, crushing me in a ribs-breaking apologetic embrace. Uncomfortably, I put my arms around her and patted her back. The moment of our reunion should have probably looked more like the ones from the movies: two girls crying, hugging and throwing apologies for everything they could. But I couldn’t have even embraced my best friend properly. I felt like some retarded person! I couldn’t even say ‘I’m sorry’ without a mental fight, not to mention showing deeper affection. Love, no matter if it was of the friendly, platonic or passionate kind, was still a taboo for me. You would’ve thought that I was still a child inside, but I really didn’t care about the others’ opinions, and that’s what makes kids so strange when it comes to feelings. There was something wrong with me, with the way I shut myself inside. After being a very caring and emotional child, I turned into an empty shell, shielding myself from everything that might have hurt me. The one thing that had happened had made me incapable of feeling anything deep inside. While on the outside I claimed to be attached to someone – hell, I knew for sure I was attached! – Inside me there was nothing. And endless wasteland, the only thing in sight, was a broken trust. No, it hadn’t been a man that had hurt me, it was far worse than that. The one I had believed with my whole life had made a fool of me, betraying me in the worst way possible. All my childhood had crumbled down to never rise from the ashes again, leaded to the non-existing by Him. I knew exactly what I’d become, but I still couldn’t destroy the walls that separated my heart from my mind’s feelings with after that time. Even if my brain told me I loved somebody, the heart only answered Pff. That’s impossible. There’s no such thing as love. That was how it all went; a circle of distrust and disbelief I couldn’t set free from.
Again, I was battling with myself, trying to regain some sort of human feelings and finally act like someone of my kind and not some soulless monster. If I didn’t strongly believed that I loved Isa – in a best-friend kind of way – I wouldn’t have managed not to run away shouting. Instead, I was holding her, letting her tears stain my shirt while soothingly stroking her back. My rational mind was still working full-force, analyzing her story and trying not to think too much about the uncomfortable position I was in.
“You haven’t slept with him, have you?” I chose not the best moment to ask her.
Her head instantly shot up; she wasn’t happy with me now. “Of course not! Who do you think I am?!”
“You’re Isa?” I shrugged. She opened her mouth with an angry expression, but I didn’t let her say a word. “Look, I just want to know where we are and what we should do to win this situation with a poker face. I intended you no offense.”
“You’re always destroying the mood,” she mumbled.
“I’m just being rational,” I defended myself, though I knew she’d been right. “Now, should I kick his ass?” An evil smirk must have appeared on my face. I couldn’t let some jerk who had hurt my friend walk around unharmed, could I?
Isa snickered. “And what could you do to him?” she mocked. “You’d surely beat the crap out of him!”
“A castration may be a good option, I think.” I contemplated the idea in my head. It would restrain him from making any more damage to the society, that’s for sure. I felt my smirk widen; my dark side was getting the best of me.
White shook her head with a sigh. “Stop your stupid evil plots. I’ve taken care of him already!”
Wow. I wouldn’t have expected that from my good old Isa… “You cut his dick off by yourself?!” I asked a little too loudly, my eyes wide.
This caused her to burst into laughter, though I didn’t see anything funny in what I’d said. “No, silly!” she uttered in between chuckles. “I made him pay for the accident.”
“But that’s no fun!” I whined, which made her laugh louder. “He should suffer for what he’d done!” my voice got strong, fire raging under my skin. The monster that had born after the destruction in my heart purred, feeding on my devilment and anger. He was making the hurt almost bearable…
“He won’t be hurt physically, but he would surely suffer financial consequences.” It was Isa’s turn to smile mischievously. “The other girls he’d used contacted me and we’re going to make him pay for EVERYTHING. This is gonna cost him a lot!”
A ring of the school-bell stopped us from continuing our discussion, as our classmates entered the room, closely followed by the teacher. The lesson started and everyone stuck their noses in their textbooks or listened to the professor, but I wasn’t paying attention.
It was surfacing again. This thing that I’d been keeping locked up to accompany the Hurt was breaking free from its bonds, fed with my anger enough to show up. I didn’t know what it was, but it frightened me. It was making me consider the worst things possible in my head, see terrifying images and actually ENJOY it all! It was all I could do not to take a knife and act on some of those crazy bloody fantasies sometimes. There were moments when I thought I lost control over my body! That’s how strong those desires were. I hated myself for this afterwards. I hated how my mind was not strong enough to restrain this Monster.
It was the only thing left in my heart beside the Hurt – the Hate. The evil part that was making me sadistic, making me want to CAUSE the suffering. Some time had passed since I last had to deal with it. I’d thought that I had overpowered it completely, crushed it to the microscopic worse part of self that everyone has… but it had been growing stronger ever since. Every argument, every bad word, every scar on my mind was like a stir in its sleep. And now it was waking. It was waking…
I almost sobbed helplessly at this fearful thought. I didn’t want to change into some soulless monster walking around and slaughtering everyone in sight, feeding on the blood flowing from their wounds… I keep the vampire inside me, I thought, spotting the analogy that had been with me all along with a sad smile. Maybe that’s why I got so interested in Edward? We were so alike. But I was still worse. It was natural for Edward to act on his instincts. I was merely a human, a supposed-to-be prey; I had no right to claim myself to be higher on the food ladder. I didn’t even want to.
I’m a hypocrite, I thought, hiding my face in my hands and leaning over the desk. I was angry at Edward for killing the History teacher for me, but I want to do such horrible things myself… I could have justified myself that I just wanted a revenge for hurting my best friend… But it would have been a lie. I only wanted to satiate this need deep inside me. Because their suffering soothed my own. The Monster in me growled in agreement.
“Are you okay?” Isa asked with worry written all over her face.
It wasn’t until then did I realize I was crying. My cheeks were moist with the tears that were spilling freely. Quickly, I wiped them away with my sleeve, cursing silently. I was NOT weak. I couldn’t be. I shouldn’t let her see those marks of weakness. I shouldn’t have made them in the first place.
“What’s going on there?!” the professor shouted at us. Just great! Come on! Attract more attention to this broken crap of a girl, why not?!
“Um… Isabel’s not feeling well… May I take her out for a while?” Isa asked shyly.
The teacher’s expression softened when she saw my face. Do I really look that bad? “Of course. Take care of her.”
This is my chance! I stood up quickly, almost knocking my chair off in the process, and rushed out of the classroom, leaving my things on the table. I’d take care of them later, now I had to escape the crowd. White followed close behind me. I used her to separate myself from prying eyes of my classmates and successfully emerged from the room, hopefully not seen by anyone in my poor state. As I was finally out of their sights and hear, Isa stopped me and leaned over me.
“Are you okay?” she repeated her previous question.
“Yeah,” I grumbled, my voice a little husky from my tears. I felt stupid for showing my weakness like that. Never before had I cracked up in front of people! I also felt bad for involving Isa in this situation and almost using her to get my sorry ass out of the humiliating position I’d been in; caught crying in the classroom. She should have been sitting in class now, absorbing the knowledge, not standing here and worrying about me!
She was looking at me as if she didn’t believe me (I hadn’t been very convincing, I had to admit). For a moment, I considered telling her everything that was on my mind, but I dismissed it quickly. She was already too deeply involved by simply being my friend; if I was to finally snap, she might be one of my first victims. A shiver of fear crawled down my spine. Will I really become a savage beast...?
“I’m alright, really. I just have some… problems,” I tried to cease Isa’s worry.
“With Edward?” she instantly concluded.
“No, no.” I shook my head, too wrapped up in my thoughts to answer properly. I hadn’t had any problems with the Hate since primary school… What had changed that now?
“So you get on well together?”
“More or less…” Then it all fell into place. THAT’S what had changed! I hadn’t had Edward then! When he’d come into my life, everything had become different. No wonder my heart started changing, too. But why was it transforming in such a strange way? Was it because he was a vampire, the one that was so akin to the Monster inside me...? One mystery solved, another one up.
I took a deep breath and calmed myself, forcing my expression to return to my normal façade. “We can go back to class now,” I said with determination after checking my face for any trace of dried tears or smudged make-up.
My friend looked at me in disbelief. “You sure?”
She shrugged and leaded the way, but I still felt her unsure glances on me as we walked.
For the rest of the lessons I tried not to think of my ‘little inner problem’. I knew that analyzing it further now would only cause me to break down again. I didn’t want to lose any more of my dignity. So I tried to act as naturally as I could.
Only a few of my friends had really noticed something wrong had happened, but I diminished their concerns with laughter and a couple of well-chosen words. I didn’t like to be in the center of attention, especially not from being accused of failing. Throughout my whole life, I’d taken care of my personal matters just fine alone, thanks.
When the final bell rang I sighed with gratitude. I had enough of those probing looks, checking if I was about to faint or have a breakdown any minute. My only hope was that they would forget the whole thing tomorrow.
I grabbed my coat, threw a reassuring smile at Isa and got out of the school building as quickly as I could. The sun was still shining bright and made me feel a little better, despite Edward’s absence. Although someone other than my vampire boyfriend was waiting for me today…
As I was walking across the schoolyard, someone made his way through the crowd of youth to me. Said someone was a quite tall, well-built, blonde man, probably my age. He wasn’t a student of my school; I was sure I hadn’t seen him there before. The boy stood in may way and put his palms on my shoulders.
“Wha-” I started to say angrily, but was cut short when he pulled me to him into an almost bear hug.
What the heck?! My mind screamed. I put my hands on his jacket-clad chest and tried to push him away, only managing to get an almost-arm-long distance between us.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” I yelled at him, drawing some much unneeded attention to us.
“Finally…” he breathed a sigh and tried to hug me again, my blocked arm successfully keeping him in place.
“Who are you and what do you want?” I demanded firmly. He didn’t look like some crazy pervert, and if he was one, he shouldn’t have assaulted me so shamelessly in the school area; it would be stupid, to say the least.
His face visibly fell and he stopped struggling to reach me, taking a step back. “You don’t remember me?” he asked sadly.
I shook my head hesitantly. I should have remembered if I’d met him before… I looked more carefully at his face, cocking my head to the side: blue eyes, straight brows, slightly too big lips and a mark on a left cheek. Wait, a mark on the cheek?!
“Thomas...?” I asked with uncertainty and disbelief.
He smiled at me, happy with my right answer. A huge grin appeared on my face. It was Thomas, my childhood friend and my first love. We had always been together, inseparable all through kindergarten, but afterwards I’d never seen him again.
“What are you doing here?” I started to walk, motioning for him to follow me; we were getting too much attention, a few people were even whispering to each other while staring unashamedly at us.
“I was looking for you!” Thomas told me. “After kindergarten I moved with my parents to another city, quite far away. Then they died, leaving me no clue about my past here. When I started searching for you, it took some time to get on the right track. I was looking on the Internet, but you’re so hard to find!”
I snickered. “Yeah, I try not to put much information about me on display. There’s always a risk of someone finding me in real life, just like you did… Damn, I will have to reduce the amount of details on there again…” I looked at him accusingly and he grinned smugly in return. “Besides, I prefer people not knowing about my real personality. It’s enough for me that they know that I’m related to Margaret in this town.” I made a face at the thought of my mother.
“Don’t exaggerate; your mom’s not that bad. I remember her a little.”
“You only know what she’s like among others. I assure you that at home she’s more than bad.”
We were walking slowly towards my home, talking about our childhood and what had happened since that time. I was constantly laughing at his funny stories and I didn’t even notice when we reached the building. He wouldn’t let me go, all the time telling stories and asking me for my own ones. He was so excited that I had to put my hand on his mouth to stop his cheerful rambling.
“Hey, you’ll wear your tongue off if you don’t stop talking!”
“But I have so much to tell you,” he whined.
I couldn’t stop laughing at his childish enthusiasm. “We can continue this tomorrow, if you want. Now, I have a lot of homework to do.”
His face instantly lit up. “So how about pizza? I’ll pick you up from school. What time do your classes end?” he was throwing words with the speed of a machine-gun; I couldn’t help but laugh more.
“Pizza is okay and I finish at two.”
“I’ll be waiting in the schoolyard then.” He peeked at his watch. “Oh, shit! I’m gonna miss my train!” He pecked my cheek quickly in a friendly manner and ran in the direction of the railway station, accompanied with the sound of my laughter.
It’s so good to have my friends back, I thought, still chuckling, as I climbed up the stairs to my apartment.
- 16th October: Tuesday
- 17th October: Wednesday
- 18th October: Thursday
- 19th October: Friday
- 2nd November: Friday
- 15th November: Thursday
- 16th November: Friday
- 17th November: Saturday
- 19th November: Monday
- 20th November: Tuesday
- 21st November: Wednesday
- 22nd November: Thursday
- 23rd November: Friday
- 24th November: Saturday
- 25th November: Sunday
- 26th November: Monday
- 27th November: Tuesday
- 28th November: Wednesday
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