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Personal Sun

Summary:
They all prevail on her, all the people she loves, to make the right choice. Will she? A chaptered fic to explore the options Bella had at the end of Eclipse a little more fully. If she looks both ways... who does she choose?


Notes:
so i was rereading eclipse with my newly j/b shipping eyes (don't kill me!) and i decided bella really chose edward without thinking hard enough about it. also, as my friends at SortOfBeautiful would say, the universe ships Jacob/Bella. so i thought the universe should have a little chat with bells about that. no, i do not know how the story will end yet. it may be e/b or j/b. sort of depends on what my reviewers want.


1. Jacob

Rating 5/5   Word Count 751   Review this Chapter

“He’s like a drug for you, Bella,” he begins gently, and it infuriates me. True, I swore to myself I wouldn’t do this. But how can he… how dare he? It’s love. Real, true, eternal love. I want him to know that. How dare he think I would break his heart for a simple addiction? Because it’s more than that.

“No, he isn’t. When will you accept that I love him? I really love him.”

I am relieved that no pain enters his voice. “No, you don’t. Bells, honey, you don’t, you really don’t. I’ve seen love.”

“Don’t go and compare me, and the person I love, to your stupid freaky wolf thing!” I scream, not caring how much I’m hurting him by now. But I see the look in his eyes and it’s impossible not to care, impossible. I am falling into his black eyes, the look in them like the pull of gravity.

I’m one with him in that moment. “I won’t, Bells. I’m not going to compare the person you love to imprinting. Because imprinting isn’t love. It’s a compulsion. A need. An addiction. What do you call what happened last year?”

I freeze.

“There! Look at the way you’re wincing. Just thinking about it. It made you crazy. Withdrawal, Bells, ever heard of it?”

I try to ignore the fact that he possibly has a point. “This isn’t how… I meant to hurt you as little as possible today. After…”

“Yeah. Well, that requires me giving in with good grace. Not until your heart stops beating. Don’t you see? Why I kissed you that first time, why I threatened to kill myself- and I would have, you know- all of it? It’s not because I want you. Not because I love you. Nothing to do with me. It’s for you, Bells. ‘Cause I can’t bear it if you die. And that’s what you’re doing. You’re suicidal. You want to die so you can go to heaven! And I’m just trying to show you what’s worth living for. Charlie… and Renee… and me. Me. I love you. I love you. I spent… so… I fixed you, when he broke you. Who do you want to choose? And… I shouldn’t play this card, but,” I catch a flash of my Jacob in his grin, “I already threatened to kill myself to make you kiss me, so I can’t exactly get much lower. Bells, you know what it’s like, to loose the one person you’re meant for. I’ve seen what it did to you. Do you want to do that to me?”

My heart shatters in two. The larger part turns into ice. Edward’s half is cold, numb, empty. Just as I want the change to make it, forever. I stop that thought.

Is this why Edward lied to me when he left? Why he said he didn’t love me? I can see it now. The way Jake’s clinging to me. Can’t he tell there’s no hope?

“Jake…”

“I’m sorry. I knew there wasn’t much of a chance. My intervention was never gonna work.”

Again with the drug metaphor. I shake my head. “Oh, Jake.”

“Love. Real love. Right here. For you to touch. Take, have. I love you. Honey, I love you.”

In his eyes, I see the truth of it. It burns. A fire like the touch of his skin, smoldering, his heart aflame. “I love you too,” is all I can whisper.

“It isn’t enough, is it? Leah never stood a chance against Emily. I can’t compete with this. You’ve imprinted. You’re addicted.”

I sigh. The reference to Sam and Leah makes my broken heart ache. The burning side grows to match the look in his eyes, but the ice won’t melt. “I can’t. I can’t leve Edward,” I say finally.

“Why not?”

“Because I love him!” I almost scream.

“Why?”

“I… I…” Finally, I turn the question around. “Why do you love me?”

He grins. “Your cooking.” I start to aim a slap at him, and he continues. “Your smile. When I get to see it. Your selflessness. Your sense of humor. Your love. Your total lack of skill with a motorcycle. All of it. You.”

“Jake…” I try, through the tears that build in my eyes.

He shakes his head. “Go on, Bella. Go home to him. But think about what I said.”

“I will,” I promise. Sadly, I find it’s the truth.

“I love you,” he whispers.

I can’t find the strength to answer.