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Personal Sun

Summary:
They all prevail on her, all the people she loves, to make the right choice. Will she? A chaptered fic to explore the options Bella had at the end of Eclipse a little more fully. If she looks both ways... who does she choose?


Notes:
so i was rereading eclipse with my newly j/b shipping eyes (don't kill me!) and i decided bella really chose edward without thinking hard enough about it. also, as my friends at SortOfBeautiful would say, the universe ships Jacob/Bella. so i thought the universe should have a little chat with bells about that. no, i do not know how the story will end yet. it may be e/b or j/b. sort of depends on what my reviewers want.


7. Chapter 7

Rating 0/5   Word Count 651   Review this Chapter

I rush to the door. The tall, shirtless man is staring at me, dark eyes unfriendly. It reminds me of all those dreams from the worst part in my life. After Jake and I started hanging out, when he would be there…

I squelch that thought. “Hey, Sam.”

In a voice remarkably similar to the last visitor at this door, he says, “Bella.”

“Come on in.”

He follows me into the house, arms still crossed.

“You here to talk about the treaty? Because we’ll move if we have to, Sam, but…”

“This has nothing to do with that betrayal. I will discuss that with one of them at a later date. I came to speak to you.”

“About Edward.” I roll my eyes. “You too? Honestly.”

“What are you referencing, Bella?”

I extend both hands and all my fingers. “Let’s see. So far, there’s Jake, Charlie, Rosalie, Leah, Edward, and my mom.”

“Leah?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a look in his eyes when he says her name that I can’t quite define. Somewhere between a distant kind of love and anguish. It strikes a chord deep within. It’s come to follow me everywhere, since everyone has been bringing up the one subject that makes me look like that.

Maybe the name for it is regret, the same regret that I can’t split in two, can’t be both of what I need to be.

“What did she say to you? I heard her thinking about it, but told her not to come.”

“How could she, then? Isn’t it supposed to be impossible?”

“I don’t do that whole abuse-of-authority thing. I’d like to not control and force people whose hearts I’ve broken, thanks.”

“Sorry.” It seems like the only appropriate response to that level of fury. Thing is, he doesn’t even seem mad at me. More like himself.

In a year, in two years, will I be doing this to myself? Will I be this unhappy, this regretful, this guilty?

It’s making him miserable.

And… as much as I try to deny it… I have a choice. He doesn’t, didn’t, and I do, I have to pick.

“She told me to pick Jake.”

“I bet she wasn’t that nice about it.”

“No. She wasn’t. But… she seemed… more… she didn’t blame you.”

“Really?” His brow furrows. “She hates me.”

I shake my head and smile, sadly. “No, she doesn’t. She loves you.”

He whirls away, furiously. “Why?”

“I don’t know…”

“She shouldn’t.”

“But she does. She doesn’t blame you, she blames herself. She hates herself for not being enough.”

“Do you want to turn Jacob into that?”

The question hangs in the air. “Huh?”

“Look, when Jake phased, it was hard. It’s always hard, your first time, for all of us. But he had to leave you behind and it was killing him. It hurt him so much to see you drowning in the pain. It shattered him, and he kept smiling. Kept smiling. He always smiles. Just like Lee-Lee used to.”

I don’t think he even noticed the nickname slip out.

“I don’t want my friend to turn into that because of you. And honestly, I care about you to an extent, too. I don’t want you to have this to deal with. The guilt’s killing me, Bella. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever felt and I would not want it for a single other person.”

I can’t listen to this. It’s too hard. “Sam, can… can you go? I’m having a hard time… I need to think.”

He stands silently, disappears. He goes quickly and silently.

I’m left in a deep quiet, and I find myself forced to think about it.