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Personal Sun

Summary:
They all prevail on her, all the people she loves, to make the right choice. Will she? A chaptered fic to explore the options Bella had at the end of Eclipse a little more fully. If she looks both ways... who does she choose?


Notes:
so i was rereading eclipse with my newly j/b shipping eyes (don't kill me!) and i decided bella really chose edward without thinking hard enough about it. also, as my friends at SortOfBeautiful would say, the universe ships Jacob/Bella. so i thought the universe should have a little chat with bells about that. no, i do not know how the story will end yet. it may be e/b or j/b. sort of depends on what my reviewers want.


8. Bella

Rating 0/5   Word Count 616   Review this Chapter

There’s nothing for me to do but face it. I have a choice to make, and I never wanted to.

I thought I’d chosen. I chose Edward. But, truly, I didn’t pick, did I? I just went with the easiest option. I have to really consider it this time, and I never planned to do that.

I should look at this objectively, maybe make a list.

That’s actually a really good idea.

I stand up, find a piece of notebook paper and an old ballpoint pen. Then I sit back down.

I fold the piece of paper in half longways and then write on one side “Edward,” on the other “Jacob.”

Now I feel slightly stupid. This might be the kind of decision that has to be made from the heart. But… that’s not really true. It affects my whole life. It is my whole life. I shouldn’t just go with my gut, because my gut is unequivocally “Edward.” Besides, I’m not really sure what my heart wants, I’ve never been good at self-examination.

Under Edward’s name, I write, “Live forever.”

“Never get old.”

“True love.”

“Don’t have to worry about the Volturi.”

“Alice.”

“Carlisle and Esme.”

“Emmett.”

“Beauty.”

I underline and circle and then draw a heart by “True love.” That really doesn’t help with the whole feeling-silly thing. It’s the kind of thing a thirteen-year-old would do. Immature, stupid, childish.

When I’m with Jacob, I never have to worry about that.

I turn to his side and write that down. “Fun.”

Then I remember the motorcycles, falling all over the place, and smile.

“No insecurity.” He’s actually the only person in the world who doesn’t make me feel hideously unworthy.

“Friendship.” He’s the only friend I’ve ever really had.

“Charlie and Renee.”

“Kids?” With a question mark, because I don’t even really want them, but I figure Rosalie would be pretty pissed if I didn’t even include it.

“The Pack,” because I’d miss them, I really would. They’re nice guys, and I like spending time with them- more on the fun, the childishness.

I turn back to Edward’s side and write, “Romance.” It’s not Jake’s strong point, doing mushy things.

Then I remember a little box of hearts and an innocent question. “Will you be my Valentine?”

I add it to Jake’s list, too. Under it, I put the words “Jake, Bells, Honey.”

Little things like that make me so happy. I try to find the equivalent for Edward.

I can’t.

“Kindred spirits,” under that.

Then, on Edward’s side, “Imprinting.”

Back to Jake’s, “Laughter,” because, as much as I love Edward, he has no sense of humor. Unless he’s laughing at me.

“We fit together.”

“He didn’t leave me.”

I feel a little guilty for that, since I’ve spent such a long time trying to convince Edward not to blame himself for it, but the truth is that he can live without me, he chose to for quite some time, while Jake lasted maybe an afternoon.

“Don’t have to change.”

It isn’t that I wouldn’t like to live forever. It’s just that I might like to not have to. And it’s pretty much irrevocable.

“Guilt,” because, well, Edward wants me to leave him, and I don’t think I could forgive myself for breaking Jacob’s heart. I don’t think I will…

I fold the list in half. Then in half again.

Then I close my eyes.

Then I unfold the paper and start to count.