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Personal Sun

Summary:
They all prevail on her, all the people she loves, to make the right choice. Will she? A chaptered fic to explore the options Bella had at the end of Eclipse a little more fully. If she looks both ways... who does she choose?


Notes:
so i was rereading eclipse with my newly j/b shipping eyes (don't kill me!) and i decided bella really chose edward without thinking hard enough about it. also, as my friends at SortOfBeautiful would say, the universe ships Jacob/Bella. so i thought the universe should have a little chat with bells about that. no, i do not know how the story will end yet. it may be e/b or j/b. sort of depends on what my reviewers want.


9. Edward II

Rating 5/5   Word Count 559   Review this Chapter

“Edward, can I talk to you?” I’m biting my lip, my eyes closed.

“Yes. What is it, love?”

“I’m… I…” Suddenly I’m clutching my stomach, shaking with tears. Because this is the right thing to do. The right choice. It’s better, healthier, more true to myself and my heart and everything I’ve always thought I am.

But it’s so hard.

He knows, though. He sees, it’s probably not that hard to figure out from the list in my hand with the word “Jacob” circled and tears all over it.

Thing is, I didn’t make the decision based on anything except my heart, in the end. Looking at that piece of paper, I realized something. It’s completely selfish to choose Edward.

I know I’m a selfish person, but it’s the one thing I hate most about myself. I really want to change. I’m not strictly sure I can, but it’s incredibly self-centered to turn my back on every person I’ve ever loved, everyone who’s ever believed in me, and just die…

I shudder and sob again, a fat tear tracking down my face. Edward touches his cool finger to my face, and I shudder again. I love him, I’m going to miss him, I need him, I need him…

The pain’s back, shattering through me, and I don’t know how I can survive it, when I brought it onto myself.

“I can’t do this. I thought I could, and more than anything else I wanted… I want to… but it isn’t fair. I love you. Trust me, Edward, I love you.” I take his hand gently, peeling it off my face. “But it isn’t enough… You’re enough. You’re too good for me, too perfect. And you deserve more than half my heart. I hope you won’t hate me. I hope you won’t hurt. I’m not going to ask you for anything more, no promises, but I’d like to think of you happy. Making someone else happy.” I smile at him, half a smile, and he smiles back.

“Would you prefer if we left town?”

“I… I… I can’t… Edward, I’m not going to make you leave. I’m not going to ask you for anything more than what you’ve already given me. What I’m going to do is leave now, and I’m truly sorry for that. I wish this didn’t have to… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

I grab him suddenly, throw my arms around his neck, press my lips against his. He catches me with gentle iron arms, tries to pry me back, but I ignore the reprimand. I shove my chest against his, lock my hands in place, throw myself at him. With everything in me, I beg him to fight. Fight for me to stay, fight for me to chose him. I’m not that certain. If he’d only prove that he’d need me… maybe Edward’s perfect, beloved heart is worth more than all my good reasons. He, after all, is more important to me than the world. If he’s willing to fight for me, I can’t do this. And so I beg him to try. For me. Just once. If I were worth it…

He turns to stone under my touch. And that’s when I know I’ve made the right decision.

I pull away from him, stand. “Good-bye, Edward.”

And he lets me go.